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I'm not "allowed" to go to bed early - but he can >:-(

(57 Posts)
ChoccySocks Wed 17-Jul-13 23:57:07

I have to get up for work at 5.30am and then work a 13 hour shift. DP hates the suggestion of me going to bed early in order to cope with this and by "early" I mean anything before 11.30pm.

So I was due to work Tuesday - Monday night it gets to 11pm and I say "I'm off to bed as I'm up early for work" - he whinges and says "oh don't go yet! it's so early! at least let's watch the end of this with me " so we end up going to bed at midnight. Knackered in the morning. Same thing Tuesday night - whinged about me going to bed and I ended up staying up until gone midnight.

Tonight was the first night this week that I can stay up late and not have to get up so early in morning. So I'm all set for a late night - but HE suddenly decides he's going to bed at 11.15pm.

I feel like he's doing it on purpose/out of spite like some fucked up control game!!!

Morloth Thu 18-Jul-13 01:22:48

What? Why are you doing what he says?

Go to bed when you need to go to bed.

He isn't actually your owner you know.

Bloody hell.

I think I need a break from MN this stuff is starting to make me batty.

trinity0097 Thu 18-Jul-13 01:26:10

Go to bed when you want! I am in bed between 9 and 9.30pm everyday as I get up at about 5.20am to swim before work. Means I get my 8 hours.

StuntGirl Thu 18-Jul-13 02:25:23

Same Morloth. MN is like a parallel universe sometimes.

Go to bed whenever the devil you like OP. What's he going to do?

Strokethefurrywall Thu 18-Jul-13 02:34:21

For the love of Christ, grow some balls and go to bed when you damn well feel like!

Morloth Thu 18-Jul-13 05:36:48

I think it is the acceptance of male 'authority' that is doing my head in.

What right does someone have to dictate to another adult when they go to bed?

How can this be thought of as anything other than a power play/abuse?

icklemssunshine1 Thu 18-Jul-13 05:50:44

I'm a lark, DH is an owl. I'm regularly asleep by 10 - this week 9.30 (end of term tiredness!), he's still awake at 12. Needless to say that's why I'm awake now & he's snoring. We'd never tell the other what to do & when to sleep. Your DP says its too spend time together but what quality time do you have with a knackered partner?

Go to bed in future!

Longdistance Thu 18-Jul-13 06:00:39


Christ on a bike, why are you listening to the whiny child your dp?

I'd be bed at 9 if I was doing those sort of shifts. I used to do odd hours in my last job, and sometimes would have to wake at 3.30am, to start at 5am, as had a commute on the Mway. No way would I still be awake sitting watching shit tv just to keep my dh happy. I was in bed by 9 the latest.

exoticfruits Thu 18-Jul-13 06:25:27

Don't even say 'I'm off to bed'- just say 'goodnight' and go. If he makes a fuss don't stay around to argue, justify, explain- just say 'sorry, can't do, I need the sleep' and go. There is no need to feel guilty.

mikkii Thu 18-Jul-13 06:34:34

DH owns a bar, I work office hours and do he school run. I'm often in bed before DH gets home.

The only times we ever go to bed at the same time are: Thursdays when he gets up at 8 to have DD2 for the day (and then only if he hasn't had a siesta in the daytime) or if he wants to get lucky grin

If I want to stay up later to spend time with him, I do, if not, I just say I'm going up.

Last night he got home at about 11.45 as I was putting out the rubbish, I said hello, then goodnight.

mikkii Thu 18-Jul-13 06:35:36

Oh, I forgot to say, my normal bedtime is 12-1, I'm not an 8 hours a night girl.

bettycocker Thu 18-Jul-13 06:55:40

He's being a knob. 5:30 is early, I would be FUBARd if I was up till 11:30.

I start work at about 4:30, but that's out of choice as I'm self employed. If DP tried to dictate when I went to bed he wouldn't try that shit again!

I like my sleep, ideally 8 hours+ per night and god help anyone who gets in the way of that.

OP, you need to be firm and tell him to stop being so controlling.

teacher123 Thu 18-Jul-13 07:44:21

He's being a controlling arse. That's a form of abuse. Go to bed when you're tired.

sleeplessbunny Thu 18-Jul-13 08:33:37

just go to bed when you want. WHy do you need his approval before you can go to bed? DH sometimes wants me to stay up later watching something crap on TV. If I want to stay up, I do, and if i want to go to bed I say "no, I'm going to bed". And I go to bed.

Your DH's expectations seem rather unreasonable, but it is up to you to tell him no and look after yourself.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Thu 18-Jul-13 08:39:11

You are an adult you do not need permission to go to bed. Just go. Do not allow this man to control you

TheRealFellatio Thu 18-Jul-13 08:42:49

Blimey - he sounds like a demanding child! You are not there for constant entertainment for him. Tell him to grow up, or if he wants to be with you that much then to come to bed himself.

worldgonecrazy Thu 18-Jul-13 08:52:05

Why do you feel the need to have his permission to go to bed? I get up just after 5 and I need to go to bed at 9 so I get my 8 hours sleep in. I couldn't survive very long on 6 hours sleep and there is plenty of research to show that constantly missing sleep can lead to health problems in later life, such as increased risk of heart disease.

Is this problem really about sleep/spending time together, or is it a symptom of other problems in the relationship? I think solidgoldbrass has made excellent suggestions and comments in her post.

froggies Thu 18-Jul-13 09:17:56

My ex used to do this. Among other sly controlling and confidence undermining behaviours.

He cannot tell you what to do, and guilt tripping you into doing things you don't want to, or not doing thngs you do want to is still controlling.

Go to bed at a time that you like, and just be aware of how he behaves when you do.

Since my ex left he has shown his true colours and it's scary. Just be aware (and I hope I am being a drama queen).

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Thu 18-Jul-13 09:22:53

Oh my goodness, there's got to be more to this than meets the eye. Or some sort of back story....?

Just go to bed when you want.

You're the boss of you. Not him.

shewhowines Thu 18-Jul-13 09:28:51

Sleep is not an optional extra. It is a need. Just go to bed when you need to.

If he wont come to bed later quietly and without disturbing you, then you have problems. If a serious conversation doesn't do the trick you could resort to waking him up at 5 every morning but that is just playing games. Communicate, but just from what you've written, there does seem a lack of respect for you. Is this evident elsewhere in your relationship? Big red flags if there is a respect issue.

I would never tell dh when to go to bed and whatnot but sometimes he comes home from the office, spends more time working, then goes to bed quite early. It can be lonely in the evenings. I have asked him to spend just a little bit of time with me in the evenings but he rarely does. When he does I can see him twitching and I'll tell him to go back to his laptop as it does my head in. I'm not controlling but if I wasn't insistent occasionally we'd never see each other in the evenings except in passing.

KellyElly Thu 18-Jul-13 09:54:08

You are allowing this. You are an adult so just go to bed when you want to. When he says 'oh just watch the end of this' simply say 'no, I'm tired, I'm off to bed'. Simple.

Bowlersarm Thu 18-Jul-13 09:59:41

This is the one thing I couldn't tolerate.

I need my sleep. DH is an 'owl' and was a bit moany about me going to bed so early (10.30, unless we are out and then I'm fine, is my personal cut off point-I start feeling physically ill after about this time). I tried to stay up later for a few weeks but just can't manage it. He conceded that i just can't do it, although he doesn't really understand why I can't!

It's a shame we generally have different bedtimes, but that's the way it has to be, mostly.

Squitten Thu 18-Jul-13 10:00:41

Eh? Why on earth are you doing what he says? If you're tired, go to bed! You're an adult FFS.

What do you think will happen if you don't do as you're told?

NicknameTaken Thu 18-Jul-13 10:08:10

Red flag, red flag.

He's putting his wants over your needs.

DON'T go along with it. If he makes life unbearable as a result, then get the hell out of there.

minouminou Thu 18-Jul-13 10:09:50

My guess is that he'll start banging about and finding rubbish excuses to barge into the bedroom if OP goes to bed early.

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