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Do I say I mind DH Going and look/feel like a cunt!?

(112 Posts)
dontgowadingin Wed 17-Jul-13 23:01:52

Open to views, don't know if I'm bring selfish or he is...

We have a 9 week old baby and when I had her things went a bit tits up and ended up having emergency section and losing a lot of blood and had blood transfusion.

DH was promised two weeks of work so when I came home tried to rest. Was very tearful as there might have been issues with dc health (thankfully all is well ) and was really struggling breast feeding .

2 days in DH boss was on phone 'asking' him to come back, really important time ect... DH went back and I really struggled.

DH puts in long hours at work and his boss promises the earth but never really comes through with anything.

Now his boss wants to take him and two colleagues to Dubai as a thank u for his hard work.

I've seen my arse, but feel a bit cunty over it.

No trust issues what so ever, he is going away with friends and so am I next year.

I'm I just jelous or does he need to remember he has small angel here that needs him at the moment and me too!

If I'm not happy about it , he won't go.

babyhmummy01 Thu 18-Jul-13 16:10:36

dontgo thanks! I am excited and scared at the same time lol. IMO if ur dh's job gives u chance to stay home or cut ur hours then he needs to grease the wheels so to speak. Timing could be better but if its now or never, go for it. Skype is a fab tool

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 15:57:59

baby good luck with pregnancy and c section. Make sure you get plenty off rest afterwards !

babyhmummy01 Thu 18-Jul-13 15:29:51

dontgowadingin you dh's boss is being an arse but I agree with you that if there is a risk to.his.future and promotion then as much as it sucks he should go to Dubai. In a less dramatic way I have a similar issue with dp. There is a huge project going on where dp and I work that he is heavily involved in and involves installation of a new machine almost bang on my due date. Dp will need to be at work so his paternity may be delayed and I am facing a c section too so am terrified but considering his involvement could make or break his career at the company then I have encouraged him to do it. This is my first baby and luckily I have friends and family who will help out but like u I am thinking of not going back so dp needs to keep his job and hopefully progress.

Def ask for his paternity to be rescheduled though!

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 15:27:36

thebody grin sweaty fingers?!

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 15:25:27

jaime on the power balance I agree and that is one of the reasons I'm struggling with not going back. Tbh my mind changes day by day. I love my job but my little LO is an IVF baby and don't want to miss anything .

thebody my 18 year old is mum no.2 with this child. She is one spoilt little lady grin

thebody Thu 18-Jul-13 15:20:42

bloody hell!!! must be the heat.

anyway don't think op sounds like that sort of person though.

thebody Thu 18-Jul-13 15:19:43

bugger!!! she never worked. can't drive and dad really held the purse strings. she basically couldn't manage without him and he's made himself indispensable as she has no idea of bills or l

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 15:18:44

mrs I've just passed a promotion up because I don't know if I can be that flexible when I return. The reason I gave was just that. They was greatfull I was realistic and honest.

There is no point in making DH take a cut on hours so I can stay in work when we would be fanatically effected.. Massively .

I'm a sports coach so being trapped in meetings isn't gonna happen, yes I could be taking a class, but I might not even go back so it's not an issue.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Jul-13 15:18:28

I will back off now, though. smile

thebody Thu 18-Jul-13 15:18:12

Jamie, I hear you on the power imbalance. my m

thebody Thu 18-Jul-13 15:15:45

good call op, you sound like you have got it together.

did u say you had an 18 year old dd?

fantastic can she help?? 😃

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Jul-13 15:14:53


I was a SAHM for 10 years, my DH is the higher earner. I want to just warn you about the power imbalance that you might be allowing to arise, and the fact that the resentment you have now could be multiplied if this goes on. You are allowed to assert yourself.

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 15:04:57

* Jamie* as I said before DH earns a lot more than me and works a hell of a lot longer days it wouldn't make sense for DH to do the child care, plus I would want to nurse her. The thought of her going to child care upsets me so I might not go back. Things will be tight as we're not entitled to anything but it will be DH wages that get us through.

I don't see an all expensive paid trip to Dubai being taken for advantage tbh, just shit inconsiderate timing and a blatant disregard that he has a baby.

MrsOakenshield Thu 18-Jul-13 14:54:09

well, as long as your employer is fine with the whole 'DH's job is more important than mine', that's fine. Of course, it's highly unlikely that they would be, given that they'll be paying you a salary etc. Think on this - a day when both you and DH are at work. You have an important meeting (or similar). Nursery ring to say DC is sick. Who leaves work to go and pick DC up? You, because that's what's expected? But you have an important meeting that you've spent a long time preparing for, and your boss isn't going to be best pleased - but your boss just has to suck it up, right? Because 'DH's job is more important'?


Lj8893 Thu 18-Jul-13 14:11:31

Whoops just realised you meant LJ for lazy Jane!

Lj8893 Thu 18-Jul-13 14:09:44

sequins you say you don't agree with me but reading your post I don't see how you disagree with me? Or my partner rather as it was his thoughts on what he would do in that situation.

And my partner doesn't work 9-5, works very hard, always does extra overtime and has a very good and prospective career. Him taking the correct paternity leave wouldn't be detrimental in the slightest to his career.

Belchica Thu 18-Jul-13 14:08:45

Hi OP, sounds like you have made your mind up. FWIW When I was 3 mths pregnant we were invited to a wedding in SA taking place 6 weeks after DS's due date. I declined but DP asked me if he could go. I said a combination of yes/I'll leave it up to you... not wanting to be the bad guy. As soon as DS was born, 1 wk late, I regretted it. DS's fourth and fifth week were dominated by me in tears dreading DP leaving us. We have no family close and our closest friends/nearest support were going to the wedding. It was midweek so couldn't ask people to take time out of work to help. The event was not as bad as the build up, but DP got some highly emotional emails from me in the middle of night!! I think DS picked up on my emotional state because as soon as DP left his sleeping got a lot worse....What I'm saying is, prepare yourself emotionally and try and stay calm...the upshot is that you can store up the points to be used for a veeeery long time. I am still getting mileage from 'yeah but you went to SA for 5 days when DS was 5 wks' a treat when I really want something.

diddl Thu 18-Jul-13 13:40:11

Hope it all goes OK OP, & that he also gets his paternity leave-and no heatstroke in Dubai!!

Helspopje Thu 18-Jul-13 13:30:26


my husband is hanging out to have half an hour at team drinks tomorrow but has decided that he will decide whether to go at the last minute after checking in with me that me and my 10/52 and just 3-yr-old haven't all melted in head (nursery was 30 degrees yday!)

he has been remarkably duff on the pat leave though - basically took the time to catch up with work and do impt documents. A trip to dubai for all of us in a few months would only barely make up for having been left on my tod with a todddler and a newborn.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Jul-13 13:25:37

And great point about when the OP returns to work, MrsOakenshield.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Jul-13 13:19:44

I underestand why you've decide to let him go.

I think you've also given permission for more advantage-taking from his boss.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 18-Jul-13 13:17:51

I don't think it is career limiting to refuse to be used in this way,. They just want you to think it is.

I have to admit I'm not all that objective about this. My DH chose, of his own free will to forgo all that corporate bollocks until mine got older. His family comes first.

dontgowadingin Thu 18-Jul-13 12:43:14

MrsOakenshiel DH job is more important than mine and it pays for the majority of the bills. Dh regularly works 10-11 hours a day, where I would do no where near that. It would make no sense for us to share the child care is LO was ill, until he was home.

Looking after LO by my self is not an issue, she is angel and were very lucky to have such a pleasant baby, I think want stung the most was that he wanted to go as I could never leave her so soon, but it doesn't mean he is a shit father he is what every dad should be. Attentive and idolises her.

I've told him to go for it and I'm gonna have a chat with him about the owing paternity leave tonight. See if he can have it back,finish a lot earlier or have long weekends, would be nice as its over summer any way.

Thanks your support! flowers

44 degrees and Ramadan not exactly the best time to be going.

Its a tricky one and I think you are right not to make too much of this as I think it may harm your DH's career.

Owllady Thu 18-Jul-13 11:28:57

I think it can be very difficult to say no when you work for a smaller firm btdtgtt
I am sure it is not a reflection on what is he is like overall as a partner and a father

that said, i don't think it hurts for him to step up to his responsibilities at home and learn to say no more too

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