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Do I say I mind DH Going and look/feel like a cunt!?

(112 Posts)
dontgowadingin Wed 17-Jul-13 23:01:52

Open to views, don't know if I'm bring selfish or he is...

We have a 9 week old baby and when I had her things went a bit tits up and ended up having emergency section and losing a lot of blood and had blood transfusion.

DH was promised two weeks of work so when I came home tried to rest. Was very tearful as there might have been issues with dc health (thankfully all is well ) and was really struggling breast feeding .

2 days in DH boss was on phone 'asking' him to come back, really important time ect... DH went back and I really struggled.

DH puts in long hours at work and his boss promises the earth but never really comes through with anything.

Now his boss wants to take him and two colleagues to Dubai as a thank u for his hard work.

I've seen my arse, but feel a bit cunty over it.

No trust issues what so ever, he is going away with friends and so am I next year.

I'm I just jelous or does he need to remember he has small angel here that needs him at the moment and me too!

If I'm not happy about it , he won't go.

MortifiedAdams Wed 17-Jul-13 23:36:32

Im.curious as to whether it was his boss asking him to go back early or he asking to go back early....and now he could go away on a jolly too....

How hands on is he day to day?

thenightsky Wed 17-Jul-13 23:39:36

I'm normally of the chilled 'yeah go' school.

However, in this case, I say take the leave off work, but be here, at home, doing the father thing. Dubai can fuck off.

I had a similar thing when DD was born and I've never forgiven the arse of a boss who wanted me DH at a business meeting four hours drive away after he'd been sitting in the Mat Wing with me through 22 hours of labour!

pictish Wed 17-Jul-13 23:46:34

How long is the trip for?
It's quite important. If it's for two nights, then it's not ideal but you can live with it. Make sure he makes it up to you real nice.

If it's a week, then I can understand you not being happy. Personally, I would've said yes with the promise of later payback - I'm a tough old boot. I could cope.

You certainly don't have to feel as I do though. If it feels wrong and you need him on board, then a week is too long.

mittensthekitten Wed 17-Jul-13 23:48:01

I agree that how long it is for is really important. A long weekend is ok. It is inconsiderate of the boss but I would say yes to that and expect a lot of payback. If it's for a week then I would ask him to please consider the implications of this (ie say no subtly!)

Lj8893 Wed 17-Jul-13 23:54:09

I've just read your post to my dp to gage his reaction.

Before I even got to the Dubai trip, he had already said he would have told his boss where to go when asked to come back to work during paternity leave.

I agree with him. Sorry OP.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 17-Jul-13 23:58:06

His boss is stupid. He should offer a financial reward not a holiday to a man with a new baby!

Nanny0gg Thu 18-Jul-13 00:01:36

It all sounds very bizarre to me.
I am agog that his boss asked him to cut his (statutory) paternity leave short.
I am staggered that he agreed.
I find it incredible that his boss wants to reward him with a boys' jolly
I am horrified that he wants to go.

And there's no way that I would agree.

Beyond selfish.

TalkativeJim Thu 18-Jul-13 00:04:57

Fucking awful.

I'd have NO problem in saying that I would be unimpressed with him wanting to go.

If his boss wants to reward him, why doesn't your DH ask for the time off with his baby that he was denied? That's something irreplaceable IMO.

And, seeing as you were the one to suffer for his boss going back on his word, why don't you point out to your DH that having that time would also 'reward' you for what you had to put up with, by giving you a bit of a break.

If your DH looks anything other than really pleased with that suggestion, I'd seriously lose my rag.

ExcuseTypos Thu 18-Jul-13 00:05:56

He shouldn't go. He should spend the time he would have been in Dubai with you and your baby.

pictish Thu 18-Jul-13 00:25:00

My dh (just asked him what he thought, as he asked what I was reading) thinks a holiday to "fucking Dubai" is a "shit reward for giving up paternity leave" and his boss is a "fucking cheapskate".

So um...there's another pov for you. I guess.

ImperialBlether Thu 18-Jul-13 00:41:43

He should say he'll take the time off and have the money that would have been spent.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Thu 18-Jul-13 00:49:00

Hi OP. DH's boss isn't an arse. No.

He is in fact a fucking facegrinding cunt. He's making sure that DH doesn't put you and DC first. I worked very briefly for an absolute bastard who when he found out we were expecting at peak business, actually suggested DW terminate. While I was making plans to kill his entire family digesting this, some people he owed money to came to the office and asked him to choose the hand he liked least.

I'll tell you something else: if he goes, his boss will probably get him steaming drunk and send him a hooker. It's about loyalty. While DH is in your trust, boss is threatened.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Thu 18-Jul-13 00:50:39

Sorry: last line should read "while DH is in your trust and knows he is worthy of it".

McGeeDiNozzo Thu 18-Jul-13 03:50:39

I would tend to agree with pictish.

McGeeDiNozzo Thu 18-Jul-13 03:51:05

Or, rather, her husband.

birdmomma Thu 18-Jul-13 04:08:43

I think your DH should explain to his boss that he has a young baby and would prefer his reward to be time off to be with you and the baby. The boss clearly needs educating. Bastard.

MammaTJ Thu 18-Jul-13 04:38:39

I think your DH should explain to his boss that he has a young baby and would prefer his reward to be time off to be with you and the baby. The boss clearly needs educating. Bastard.

^ This!

TobyLerone Thu 18-Jul-13 05:26:36

I'll tell you something else: if he goes, his boss will probably get him steaming drunk and send him a hooker.


primallass Thu 18-Jul-13 06:12:29

It sounds odd tbh. Like his boss is jealous and is trying to wriggle in between you.

Jaynebxl Thu 18-Jul-13 06:23:04

Whatever he does about Dubai, he is still owed the rest of his statutory paternity leave so as a separate issue I would be insisting he gets the rest of that now.

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 18-Jul-13 06:59:35

"yep he wanted to go I could tell"

Have you actually asked him?

ZenGardener Thu 18-Jul-13 07:01:18

I was thinking what primallass said. It sounds like the boss is trying to make your husband choose work over his baby. It's a really strange reward for a man with a new baby, I think the boss is being a manipulative prick.

Lweji Thu 18-Jul-13 07:10:50

Im.curious as to whether it was his boss asking him to go back early or he asking to go back early....and now he could go away on a jolly too....

I was thinking this too.
Are you sure it's the boss?

froubylou Thu 18-Jul-13 07:12:53

Hmmmmmm, its a tough one.

On the one hand I can understand exactly how you feel. On the other I also understand how your DH will feel if he doesn't go on the trip.

IMO as much 'work' goes on, on these 'free/reward' holidays as what happens at home. Bonding with the gaffer/showing he's 'one of the boys'/adventures they talk about (constantly) when they come home. I've done them in the past and never really looked forwards to them, but knew they were an essential part of my career.

I agree the boss is being an arse with regards to timing. BUT 9 weeks to a mum and dad is no time, to his boss the 'new' baby has arrived, all is well and its time now to crack on with work. The fact he asked your DH to sacrifice his paternity leave shows how little regard he has to you and the baby. He's a thoughtless prick.

I had similar when DD was about a month old. Was expected to go on a jaunt for a weekend with work as a sort of 'welcome back' thing. The Alton Towers. 29 days after a C section. I told them to feck off, I was b/fing and although I was unofficially back in the office every day for a few hours it was with baby in tow.

But I do remember the pressure I felt to go on the trip and I imagine your DP feels the same. We all know how the economy is right now and how good jobs are in demand. I'm not saying he will loose his job if he doesn't go, or that it will be a black mark against him BUT it won't help keep his profile up if he doesn't go.

How long is the trip for? A long weekend, even 5 days is manageable. Ask for his owed paternity leave in the weeks leading up to the trip if possible, maybe a row of long weekends would be nice.

It's difficult for women to strike that life/work balance and the first time (in some industries) children are the reason for saying 'no' it can be held against a woman, let alone a dad. Its not right and its not fair but unfortunatly its how it is in some companies. It all does need to change, and is doing slowly BUT I wouldn't want to risk my DP's prospects over it. Selfish I know but I have to put my family first. And sometimes that means food on the table and money in the bank before we can spend time together.

I'm currently almost 18 weeks PG. EDD 20/12. I'm hoping and praying baby comes on time or slightly early as DP will be off over christmas for 2 weeks anyway. If the LO is late it will eat into the time we can spend together as DP will have to go back to work early january. He's a S/E builder and work is tight over jan/feb/mar anyways and taking time off will reduce his chances of being mid way through a contract when it does get really tight as jan progress's.

I don't like it. I'd love to be able to know that DP will be at home for at least 2 weeks with me and the baby whilst I recover and B/F. But I will have bills to pay and another mouth to feed. So that has to take priority and family and friends will help out if necessary.

TimeofChange Thu 18-Jul-13 07:18:07

Boss is a knob.

Would the time in Dubai be over a weekend?

A pay bonus would be the normal reward.


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