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To want to die

(101 Posts)
Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:01:29

I don't want to kill myself, but I want to die.

Never in my life have I felt so fucking low in my life. I will cars on the other side of the road to hit me, so then someone will see me. Me, and that I'm still here.

No one wants to care, no-one cares and no-one ever will. I'm 28 years old, I don't deserve to live because I've wasted my life feeling like this.

Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:19:36

I've lost the bestest friend I ever had. We had a huge falling out, she done something so utterly stupid and I judged her for it.

She needed me and I wasn't there. Now, she won't respond to emails or texts and that's it. It's hurting me so much, 14 years down the pan. It's finished, I can't do anymore and I don't even know if I can forgive her, but I just want a hug from her.

monicalewinski Wed 17-Jul-13 21:20:36

It takes time for anti-depressants to work, but they do in the end. Please be honest with your husband about how you are really feeling, and get in touch with your doctor ASAP. Phone the Samaritans too if it gets too much at any point, this is why they're there. You are not worthless, you do matter and you would be missed. x

Is your husband with you just now?

LEMisdisappointed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:21:15

The samaritans You can call these if you need to talk to somoene now

You are not alone

This sounds like a panic attack - just concentrate on your breathing, slowly, from your, 1 2 3 4 out.......... Imagine a calming image as you do this.

OliviaIsOffTheGinMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 17-Jul-13 21:23:02

Hello there OP
Sorry to hear you're feeling like this
We would prefer to move your thread to
our mental health topic
We also have a list of real life professional organisations who can help

Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:23:12

He's just watering the garden, he has been all evening though.

newestbridearound Wed 17-Jul-13 21:23:45

This will pass. Keep telling yourself that, write it down and stare at it if need be. Because eventually it will. You won't believe it now but it will.

I've been where you are, it is the darkest most awful place. Like you I didn't want to die, I just wanted everything to end, for things to stop hurting and there to just be nothingness. I read somewhere once that the impulse for suicide happens when pain exceeds our coping mechanisms for coping with pain. Trying to get back in control is the first step to finding life easier again.

Definitely ring the gp and ask to see them as soon as possible. If you are feeling like this then you need some extra help and support. Like someone else has said the samaritans are also brilliant just for having someone to listen. They really, really helped me on one of the worst days imaginable.

Remember that tomorrow is a new day- and you said prior to this you had 4 good days, so maybe tomorrow will be better xxx

LEMisdisappointed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:24:03

Give her, and yourself time, has this just happened recently? Don't text anymore tonight. Look after yourself tonight

EmmaBemma Wed 17-Jul-13 21:24:04

I have little useful advice, but couldn't read and not post - just wanted to say I'm so sorry life is so hard for you at the moment. I've been in similar places to you and have had treatment. I hope it's not too trite to pass on a quote from a friend that has often sustained me (think it's from Winston Churchill originally - who suffered from depression too): "when you're going through hell, keep going".

Lots of people you've never met are reading this and are thinking of you. Hang in there. x

greeneyed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:24:13

How long have you been feeling so low and wanting to die? Does your doctor know about these thoughts, have you suddenly got worse? Please believe me when I say the chemicals in your brain are not working properly but it can be fixed. You do not have to live like this for ever. If you think you are unsafe get medical help immediately.

peachypips Wed 17-Jul-13 21:24:14

Hey love. How long have you been on your Fluoxetine? I've been bad and I am we'll and fine now. You WILL get better and not feel like this once you have the right treatment. Keep posting

Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:25:48

It happened at the beginning of June. DH has gone up for a shower and I've never been more tempted to get in the car and piss off.

My eyes are stinging and my heart hurts.

casawasa Wed 17-Jul-13 21:26:21

You have 2 young children who need you. My h killed himself and i see how it is affecting my lovely ds and how he will have to deal with it for the rest of his life. It will define his life.
There is lots of help available but you and your dh need to ask for it. As other posters have said your doctor is the first step.
You can and you must ask for help - please.

plim Wed 17-Jul-13 21:27:08

Try not to worry about your friend and I really think you should try and talk to a professional like your gp or the Samaritans. They are great and you will get through this.

KittensoftPuppydog Wed 17-Jul-13 21:28:05

So sorry you feel like that. Talk to the samaritans and your doctor. A change of medication may work. All the best. Things do change.

londonrach Wed 17-Jul-13 21:29:24

Do you have a close friend you can talk to now. You have two children who love you. Xxx

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I think you should knock trying to contact her on the head for now while you get yourself feeling better and stronger, I know its hard, but you have to come first.

Your DH is very keen, gardening at this hour of the night, I can barely get mine to put the kettle on, you will have to share your secret.

Do you have boys or girls? Does the eldest go to nursery?

MissStrawberry Wed 17-Jul-13 21:31:25

Go back to your doctor and talk how you are feeling through. Sometimes it can take a few attempts to get you on the right tablets and the right dose. It may also be worth looking at other forms of therapy - talking, counselling, exercise and doing things for yourself.

I understand you don't want to die but you do want this feeling to stop. Ask for the help you need to get where you need to be.

Meh84 Wed 17-Jul-13 21:31:41

I have no-one, no-one at all.

I'm sorry but I have to go, I need to gather my thoughts. Sorry for the dramatic post x

greeneyed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:31:59

Have you told DH how bad you feel tonight. Can he take you to the GP in the morning.

When I hit my worst DH had to come with me to the GP as I couldn't function on my own and thought I'd lost my mind forever. The GP took me really seriously because my husband was there too. I was so much better in a few weeks then lifechangingly better within a few months after CBT as well. It's all a distant memory and this will be for you one day though I know right now it is absolutely terrifying. Please go and tell your DH you are scared for your safety and what you might do. x

mittensthekitten Wed 17-Jul-13 21:32:49

Your children need you to be alive. Regardless of anything else, I promise you 100% they need you, they see you, they love you. You are the centre of their world and they need you.

LEMisdisappointed Wed 17-Jul-13 21:38:47

Don't be sorry Meh, if you have been able to gather some thoughts from this thread then that is brilliant and we are only too pleased. Its not dramatic, its how you were feeling, just be aware that you wont feel like this forever. You are 28 and have a good life ahead of you xx

ChimeForChange Wed 17-Jul-13 21:39:18

Stay here Meh84 and chat if it helps you. There's lots of us online x x

newestbridearound Wed 17-Jul-13 21:41:54

Please take care if you are going. There's plenty of support here if you do feel you want to come back later xx

passmetheprozac Wed 17-Jul-13 21:43:16

Oh my days this was me a year ago. My doctor said that because I cried, because I asked for help, It meant that I wanted to get better, It meant that I wanted to live.

My doctor said if I was cold and not showing emotion to how I was feeling then he would be really, really worried.

I was prescribed Citalopram, and Diazipam, the Diazipam was prescribed to ease me in to the Citalopram as it takes a while to kick in.

I am now a year later still on Citalopram, I am doing so much better. I want to live, the pounding, hopeless, hurt is not there.

Please keep posting, through the hammering heart, through the feelings of fuck this.

And please go back to your GP, please make an emergency appointment first thing.

Let me know that you have done this OK?

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