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To be upset by this.

(69 Posts)
mootime Wed 17-Jul-13 10:17:13

Ok, so I know I probably am, but its a raw subject so please be gentle on me.

We lost our first son 4 years ago, due a birth accident at a home birth. It was as you can imagine the most horrendous experience of my entire life. However I had no idea how the pain could be magnified as the years went by, largely due to unexpected encounters or thoughtlessness by other people.

Just under a year later I gave birth to my second son and in a lot of peoples eyes I should then have been "better". Obviously he gave us joy and hope that we never thought we would feel again, but no matter what happens, our first son is and will always be a huge part of our lives.

Slightly later that month, in the week between ds1 birthday and anniversary of death, my Brother in law's (Hubby's sisters husband), brother and wife had a baby at home and they called him the same, fairly unusual name, as our DS. We were not told this until about 6 months later as everyone knew that it would cause upset. Its not that I feel like I own the name, but more that my neice and nephew has a cousin called that and they now have another one, who is alive and will therefore be far more dominant in their conciousness as the person with that name.

I made it very clear as did my DH that we found this not only extraordinarily cruel but that we really didn't want to be around them. Apparently they said that they didnt think that they would ever see us anyway so couldn't see the problem.

Fast forward 3 years and we have largely avoided any mention of the. However it is our nephews birthday soon and we have just been told that they are going to come.

My first reaction is that with every part of my body that I do not want to go, that I have nothing to say to them that isn't unpleasant, and tbh I dont want to cause a scene (and I'm not sure i will be able to control myself). However DS2 is really looking forward to the party and it seems really unfair to stop him from going because of this.

I would send my dh with ds2 and dd but frankly, I don't want them to go without me.

Please be gentle. Am I being totally unreasonable? WWYD?

springytoto Thu 18-Jul-13 08:44:54

I'm so sorry for your loss, little

Some people don't mind it but some people really do mind it and that's ok too imo.

You don't mind it, are blessed by it - but it was a friend who chose your baby's name and it looks like it was done in the 'right' spirit? In OP's case, it wasn't a friend and it wasn't done in the right spirit.

I think that if these people are ignorant on the day - which is highly likely imo - it has the potential to ruin more than just your 'day' OP.

tiggytape Thu 18-Jul-13 08:58:52

I agree - I don't think you have to be rational when it comes to grief and the things that trigger it. If the situation hurts you, and since they are not really close family, then don't go.

Would it be possible maybe for you and DH to have the day together and your MIL or member of DH's family to take DS for you?

tiggytape Thu 18-Jul-13 09:02:03

Not saying you are irrational BTW - just that you don't have to justify your feelings to other people. If something hurts you, it hurts you whether other people think it should or not. And when you've been through such a terrible loss, why should you have to do anything that adds to that?

QOD Thu 18-Jul-13 09:02:56

I am so sorry, it must hurt an awful lot, but Yabu a bit, but still have my sympathies

My dds second middle name is the name of my cousin who died, I didn't ask permission but I did tell my gran to to her sister that it was so, and that it actually was after her as her death aged 2 (when I was 11) had upset me so much, and I'd always wanted to name a child after her. I genuinely hope I didn't upset them like these people have upset you. Ugh. Awful feeling.

mootime Thu 18-Jul-13 09:14:20

I can see that it might sound odd to have such an attachment to the name, but it was such a sentimental choice. It's also that the timing of it was so bad.

My Neice who was born just before DS1 would have been so close to him, it also just feels odd for her to have another cousin with such an unusual nickname.

I've decided that if my friend is about for a coffee, I will go briefly and then visit her. If not I'll let DH take ds and dd and I will put my feet up in the sun with a book. Something I never get a chance to do!

Thanks for all the advice. It's nice to see that not everyone thinks I'm being totally unreasonable.

I'm also sorry or the others who have lot children (sorry, on phone and can't scroll to get names). I know through various people I've met that we all deal differently with loss and different things trigger grief at different times.

mootime Thu 18-Jul-13 09:14:55

Name not nickname...

Tailtwister Thu 18-Jul-13 09:18:08

I can understand why you are very upset. I can't believe they used your son's name and they must have known you would be upset since you weren't told for 6 months.

I simply wouldn't go and if anyone asks I would be honest. Nobody with any compassion would find a good reason why you shouldn't find what they did upsetting.

I totally understand how you are feeling.

I have lost my son and daughter and I know how I would feel in your shoes. In fact I went as far as avoiding any baby that was born around the same time as my children for a very long time.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, you feel hurt, you feel you don't want to be near them, and I think you should avoid the party as it will bring you pain.

They weren't being unreasonable using the name either though, it wouldn't really cross my mind to discount a name I liked based on a very distant relation tbh.

You have to try and remember, you are, obviously, really close to the situation, your beautiful son is part of your daily thoughts, and rightly so.

Without wanting too sound harsh, to them, your son would be a conversation and they would have been concentrating on their own lives at that point. Honestly, I gave my ds the same name as my best friend of 10 years brother without even equating the two, because, to me, thats my sons name.

I also think that when your child dies and there is noone to blame you need to find something 'real' to be angry at. For me, when my son died, it was his father, he never once bothered with him and every bad, horrible and negative thought I had was poured into hating him, because he was a real thing I could be angry at. When my daughter died I poured my energies into complaining about a receptionist who phoned asking why I hadn't registered her at the doctors, she was stupidly insensitive and I really went to town with my complaint because, again, it was something real I could pour my anger into.

This situation might well be your actual, tangible thing to be angry at, and thats ok.

4 years on after losing your precious boy is no time at all. The path we are on lasts a lifetime sadly so work through your feelings at your own pace.

Take care thanks

springytoto Thu 18-Jul-13 09:27:58

oh Missy! <3

Ezio Thu 18-Jul-13 09:41:20

My sister lost her 11 month old son when i was 5 months pregnant, if DD was a boy, i did consider asking my sister if i could give my DN name as a middle name, if she hated the idea, i wouldnt have done it.

I know its only a name, but when it comes to losing a child, that heartbreak never goes away.

OP i wouldnt go, i would imagine, it being very painful hearing that child being called.

ZingWidge Thu 18-Jul-13 16:34:14

so sorry to hear about your loss.thanks

avoid them if you need to.

Stokes Thu 18-Jul-13 17:30:19

At first I thought they weren't unreasonable to use the name - they sound so distant when you describe your relationship. And yet, I know my husband's brother's wife's family, I see them at parties for the niece and nephews we share. They're nice people, I know their children, I enjoy their company. If I were to have a baby I may consider using the same name as one of their children as it would so rarely be an issue. But of one of them had lost a baby there's no way on earth I'd add to their pain by using the same name.

It may be hard to avoid this child forever. So if you can face going briefly to the party, it may help you onto that road. but if you can't face it yet, that's perfectly OK. Would your BIL and SIL be happy for you top just drop your son off so he can enjoy the party?

Footface Thu 18-Jul-13 20:30:29

Op, I am really sorry for your loss. I think they are very selfish and cruel to use the same name.

It was obvious that your paths would cross at some point so it seems beyond belief that they would choose the same name. Particularly an unusual name as well

Actually thinking about I'd be fuming! Not sure i would go if I was you. But you have don't nothing wrong. They on the other hand should feel ashamed

eccentrica Thu 18-Jul-13 21:45:59

I am so sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't go, and I wouldn't worry about your DS going either. yanbu.

mootime Sun 21-Jul-13 08:09:21

Ok. So today is the party. I've decided that I'm not ready. DH taking dc's which is a big step for me anyway.
Thanks for all the support and advice.

Samu2 Sun 21-Jul-13 08:18:19

Wow, I think what they did was disgusting. I wouldn't want to see them again ever.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I think you have made the right decision not to go today.

ZingWidge Sun 21-Jul-13 08:29:09


good decision. If you are not ready, you are not ready. (hug)

I hope you'll have a nice day - have you got a plan of what you're going to do?

mootime Sun 21-Jul-13 08:31:15

Thanks. I'm going to some tidying (we have the builders in) and then I'm going to do my nails and curl up with a book, hopefully in the sun if it returns today.
I'm pregnant and exhausted so it'll do me the world of good.

Awomansworth Sun 21-Jul-13 08:42:54

I really don't think YABU... I've been in a similar situation and would never have chosen to use a name that would have upset someone I knew regardless of how much I liked it. Very insensitive and selfish.

Surely they must have known the impact it would have on you.

Have a nice day for yourself an I hope the sun comes out for you.

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