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To be sick of a friend's charity fundraising

(116 Posts)
mittensthekitten Mon 15-Jul-13 22:42:50

I've got a friend who is a keen runner, and she's just spent the past several months in training for a very massive gruelling long-distance run. I won't say the run because it may out me (name changed too). She ran in aid of charity, to raise money for a particular disease - not a disease she personally has btw, but which I guess she feels strongly about. We all supported her training, 'liked' her daily posts about her training runs, helped look after her three kids (who really missed her) while she trained and then went away for several days to a training camp and another several days to the race, and of course donated money to the cause and she ended up raising about 2K for her chosen charity. The endless Facebook begging for money for the charity did start to do my head in but I thought - well, she's doing a massive physical challenge and it's a good cause.

She completed the run (Facebooking all the while!) and we all said the right things, and tbh I was really impressed with her endurance and thought she was amazing.

After she finished her run, she was obvs really happy/excited but then felt really blue afterwards, understandably, cos it was all over. Now, just a few weeks after the run, she's signed up for NEXT year's run and has started banging on on Facebook again, asking for donations and with a bigger target! Same charity.

AIBU to think this is really cheeky and self indulgent? She wants to do this thing, she is sad cos her big moment is over and so she's already banging the drum about an event that is a year away and is begging for money from all the friends/family who already supported her just a few weeks ago!

MrsWolowitz Mon 15-Jul-13 22:45:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 15-Jul-13 22:53:46

"otoh she is doing something lovely for charity."
Well the charity is getting money, but OP's friend is not doing it for the charity she is doing it for herself. You could even say she is using the charity as camouflage, a way of distracting from her me,me,me.

mittens, is she expecting you and her other friends to take care of her children again? (Because I'd be saying 'no' and starting to pronounce charity as charidee ...)

CeliaFate Mon 15-Jul-13 22:55:02

But without people like her, charities would flounder and be unable to help as many people. I think yabu, but I know how tedious it is to hear people go on about their exercising too. Perhaps limit what posts you see?

WafflyVersatile Mon 15-Jul-13 22:56:27

hide her fb updates.

Tee2072 Mon 15-Jul-13 22:58:44

Stop responding to her FB updates and eventually FB will stop showing them to you.

Or hide her.

Mynewmoniker Mon 15-Jul-13 22:59:02

I wonder what she's 'running away from' in reality?

I know it's done for charity but she seems to get a 'high' from the feeling valued. She could still do voluntary work without the need for it to be funded by friends and colleagues. Take her to the local library to look for a list of voluntary agencies and see who needs her regular help during the school day when her kids are at school. (I'm presuming they are school age)

thebody Mon 15-Jul-13 23:02:34

she sounds a bit of a pain.

don't get landed with her children if you don't wish to and agree with rest, back off from her FB status.

I was saying to dh last night wish FB had a vomit button like a like button. sooo many stupid quotes on about motherhood at the moment. does my head in.

mittensthekitten Mon 15-Jul-13 23:03:08

Yeah I do need to look into hiding her. I have already babysat for her once for training for the next event (cos I'm a big wussy and got put on the spot) but I am going to have to start saying no.

It feels a bit me me me tbh. And a bit ungrateful - for all the money, time etc that people donated to her cause, and now she's just turning around and doing it all again straight away, last one forgotten already.

WafflyVersatile Mon 15-Jul-13 23:04:12

Well serotonin from exercise gives a natural high.

Can you not do something for a good cause and challenge yourself physically without people speculating what's wrong with you?

How does having a healthy hobby equate to running away from something?

intheshed Mon 15-Jul-13 23:06:59

Donate a tenner then hide her fb posts. You've done your bit!

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 15-Jul-13 23:07:02

Lie your tits off and say you just signed up to two different doorstep chuggers this month so as much as you would like to help you are already heavily committed elsewhere.

mittensthekitten Mon 15-Jul-13 23:07:44

Mynewmoniker her kids are not school age - they are 5, 3 and 1...

She's always been quite me, me, me and always offloaded her kids for her running hobby (and blarbed on about running on Facebook) but coupled with the begging for money it's now quite annoying.

I also want to say that I don't detest this woman (much as it probably sounds it). We met when we were both pg with our second kids (although my oldest is in teens) and she was a really kind, caring friend for a while, but I think we have just started going our separate ways and parent v differently.

beals692 Mon 15-Jul-13 23:09:46

You're lucky it's only once a year! I know a lot of people like this and often the 5k runs, swims, bike rides etc are only a month or so apart (because it's their hobby and they always want the next one to look forward to). It's not that I don't want to give to charity but they aren't my chosen charities and everyone is pressured into giving - and, yes, most of them aren't actually in it for the charity but because they personally enjoy the sport (and the kudos and attention they get).

In terms of looking after her children etc, does she reciprocate? I know at the time you gave your support on the basis of it being a 'one-off' thing - I suppose you now need to think of this as an on-going hobby (because she's unlikely to stop after two) and consider what time and money you are prepared to give and how you can communicate that in a way that preserves the friendship.

ElectricSheep Mon 15-Jul-13 23:10:05

Some people do use 'do-gooding' to justify something they just want to do anyway really. (And can be very smug about it too yes, you, work colleague ) At the least your mate is getting a break from the kids, lots of time doing something for and her fitness, lots of attention, making herself feel good through exercise and charity work - but unfortunately only through the generosity of her circle supporting her.

Practice saying no OP.

Carolra Mon 15-Jul-13 23:11:44

I have a few friends like this. I always sponsor them the first time but that's pretty much it, the first time is impressive but then it's just a hobby and I can't really afford to keep paying out for someone else's hobby. If they keep doing more and more impressive things then I might sponsor them again but only one 5k run per person!

ageofgrandillusion Mon 15-Jul-13 23:24:01

She sounds tedious OP. If she asks for sponsorship, tell her to piss off. Also, bin her off as a FB friend then you dont have to read all of her pointless, tiresome updates.

Strokethefurrywall Tue 16-Jul-13 00:07:28

I ran a half marathon in December and a full marathon in January of this year and raised quite a large sum of money for the Royal Marsden in memory of my brother.

I was very embarrassed to just ask for money and so organised a quiz night for people to pay to come to and raised funds that way, also did a Halloween dress up day at work that people donated to to dress up - I really didn't like the idea of just asking people to donate without having fun in the process. It was around the time that lots of others were fund raising and I didn't want people to feel pressurised into making a donation.

I live in a pretty wealthy country and raised funds on both sides of the pond, which was great but just after I finished, someone asked me when I would start fund raising again. I said I wasn't going to because it rather diminishes the achievement of the first one!

One marathon was enough, I'm massively proud of the money I managed to raise (mainly because people loved my brother so much I reckon) and it shall remain the hardest thing I've ever done.

I agree that your friend sounds a little "grabby" in the nicest sense of the word. It would be a bit different if she did a big race, then 6 months later started training for something even more spectacular. The whole point of sponsorship is to support you in doing something that's a real challenge to get you through! And also, she should be respectful of the fact that she might not be the only person her friends are donating to!

Wbdn28 Tue 16-Jul-13 00:56:56

YABU. If she was pestering you for money personally, that would be OTT. But annoying round-robin style communications to all and sundry are what Facebook unfortunately specialises in.

formicadinosaur Tue 16-Jul-13 03:28:53

If shes doing a marathon anyway, She might as well collect some money for a good cause on the way.

I like to sponsor people's firsts - so maybe their first 6k/10k/25k whatever.

I do think there is a limit to sponsorship though - so one persons run every few years. The exception to this is if someone is raising money for a cause that relates closely to them or a close loved one.

You could always tell friend you have already donated lots to various charities and have decided thats it for this year.

MidniteScribbler Tue 16-Jul-13 03:46:19

I hate this. Post once, with a link to donate, then that should be the end of it.

I had someone who went to the same dog training club as me want to be sponsored. I already had six friends doing the same event. He wouldn't leave me alone over it, so I finally said I'd give him $5. He later comes over with a form for me to put my credit card number on. I told him not a chance, there is no way I'm letting a charity near my credit card number, and especially not on some random form. He kept bugging me, and when I looked at the form, he had "helpfully" ticked the $100 donation box! He was actually banned from soliciting for donations at our club. Cheeky bugger.

PenelopeLane Tue 16-Jul-13 04:40:46

the first time is impressive but then it's just a hobby and I can't really afford to keep paying out for someone else's hobby.

I agree with this. I also agree with Formica about raising money for firsts.

I had a workmate raise thousands to go cycling around Vietnam with a charity and was happy to sponsor her as it was a massive effort for her - she had to get a bike, get fit, lose weight and it was a massive challenge that I was happy to support.

When she did it again but to another country the following year, I found I didn't want to give her anything, as it felt like I was sponsoring her yearly trip abroad. I think lots of others felt the same way TBH as she did struggle a little more the second year.

ifink Tue 16-Jul-13 05:12:06

I agree OP it gets too much all the sponsoring requests. I have a friend who was always doing some event and asking for generosity ended when she was 'doing the three peaks in 24 hours challenge' as described on her email begging for transpired after the event that she actually drove the van with the walkers in (shared with someone else) and didn't do one step of walking! I asked for my money back jokingly but vowed quietly never to sponsor her again and funnily enough her challenges tailed off after that!
can you hint to your mate that she needs to factor in the babysitting costs she'll need to fork out to get in sufficient training?

Chottie Tue 16-Jul-13 05:22:25

Can you say to your friend that you think she is great doing all these events and in the past you were happy to support her. However, you only have a certain amount of money to donate to charity and this year you are supporting another equally worthy charity (you do not have to give the name) so will not be supporting her. But you will be supporting her in spirit and wish her well.

And your DC's lives are busier, so please don't count on me as a major child carer, as you just can't commit.

Chottie Tue 16-Jul-13 05:24:51

p.s. I am with the poster regarding the charity stuff at work. You feel you 'have' to give but with charity events, retiring collections, new baby collections, goodbye collections, it works out quite expensive......

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