To worry about my past?(61 Posts)
During my twenties I was a wildchild, I drank and went out every night, took drugs and had casual sex with various men.
Luckily I had a good group of close friends who werent involved in that scene, they didnt like it but they stood by me.
In time I met my beloved DH and had a daughter. I well and truly grew up and those days are firmly behind me.
Sometimes I think back to how I used to be and I can feel anxious about it for days.
AIBU to feel that people will just remember the drunken partygirl that I was, rather than the devoted mum I am now?
Same here pigs, spent days in Trade.
I used to feel like you do, OP. I was a very good girl growing up but in my late teens/early 20s I went off the rails. Unprotected sex, drugs, serious drinking, some really bad, dangerous behaviour. For so many years, I was so ashamed, thinking about the danger I put myself in.
In my early 20s, I had counselling through my uni and can safely say it really helped. I can't just see that time as one of harmless hedonism and I do regret many of the things I did, but I'm a different person now, have worked hard, married to a wonderful man and am a lot more responsible and compassionate.
That's YOU too. You don't have to be proud of your past but you have every right to be proud of who you are. Some counselling to deal with the anxiety might help you let go and realise what matters is now , not then. You sound like a lovely person, you really do.
You don't get to be old & wise without being young & stupid.
Everybody has a past, I do, I'm not proud of it, but I can't do anything to change it now.
Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien.
Don't focus on the past. There's no point. Forgive yourself. You've matured. You didn't do these things while married or once you were a mum. That might be something to feel deeply ashamed of. But being wild when you were young and free is just a rite of passage. Let the past go. Put your energy into what you want to do next, especially things that would help you feel good about and proud of yourself.
I was very wild before I was married. I was married at 20 and was still really wild with dh. We used to have 2/3 day long sessions with no sleep, and party constantly. I am glad we did it all, and would happily do it all again.
What has the Mother you are got to do with the girl you WERE?
Thanks everyone. Nice to see im not only the only one with a sordid past
You are right in that I just need to forget the past and focus on the now, I have a beautiful, healthy daughter who really is the light of my life.
Best thing I was told was never to regret anything, for they were the moments that you truly lived......
So true foslady
I think your better of having twinges of regret for what you did do than spending your old age ruing what you didn't do.
Honestly, why beat yourself up for having a wild youth?
I can honestly say the only thing that haunts me is a funeral I should of attended but didn't
I could have written your post frozeroze
Like you my hedonism wasn't something fun or carefree, it was because I had cripplingly low self-esteem and self worth.
I met DP 2 years ago and he literally turned my life around. Most of the time it's great and I feel so lucky, but sometimes its hard not to look back on all the reckless and selfish things I did and feel anxious over it.
The bit in your OP where you said you are worried people remember you as you were and not as you are now really struck home with me, its something I worry about a lot as well.
You sound like you have made real changes in your life and you should be proud of the person you are now.
Lets start an ex hedonists anonymous club
Can I join?
I went through an out of control time for nearly 2 years. Half of it I cannot recall and the other half it just makes me cringe.
I dread bumping into some people from those days. When in fact I have been utterly boring for the last 15yrs.
<makes Pancakeflipper EHA badge>
A quote that always helps me is;
''If you knew how little people thought of you, you wouldnt worry how little people think of you.
It makes sense, I don't think about anything my friends or people I know did years ago, so why would they bother thinking about me!
I'm applying to join please, pretty similar lifestyle as others describe. Sometimes I get flashbacks of something horrendous I did and I cringe with shame and embarrassment, I excuse it all under the banner of being young and foolish. I am now that far removed from my hedonistic self that I swear it was in a previous life.
I also cringe when I think of my behaviour not that long ago (despite being mid 40s now!)
My promiscuity and pitching up at work with raging hangovers or calling in sick because I was still high or still pissed - all of it makes me ashamed. But it is in the past. Gone and done and I could not bear to do all that again, not because I did not enjoy it at the time, but because a good night's sleep and my lovely DH and DS are now the things that count!
YABU! Let it go.
Another EHA member here. It's only the last couple of years (I'm nearly 30) that I've stopped worried about being "found out" and stopped feeling ashamed.
I think in my case my shame came from having a couple of serious boyfriends who made it clear they thought it was wrong for women to sleep around (not men, though who those men were supposed to be having sex with, I don't know) so I always had to hide it. One found out and made me apologise for every man I'd slept with before him And my STBXH had an alcoholic parent so hated drinking and it made me feel like my bygone excesses were shameful.
Recently, though, I realise it was MY youth FGS. I never hurt anyone, I didn't commit any crimes, all I did was enjoy myself and have turned into a functioning adult, wife and mother. A couple of situations were dodgy and potentially dangerous but there's no point dwelling on that.
I seriously regret all the effort I put in to worrying that people might find out that I once had a decidedly average few years of casual sex and vodka. It's not for everyone, but it was for me and most of it was good
Although, having said that, there is a bunch of 'lads' back in my hometown who used to badmouth me as 'easy'
they may have said I only wear my knickers to keep my ankles warm and through FB I'm aware they still have the same opinion of me
It's pretty horrible to think they still think of me as a drunk 17 year old but they are a bunch of superior sad-fucks who live the same life they did 15 years ago. I do regret with sleeping with the ones them I did (a couple out of about 10, what a 'slag' ) because they all turned on me when I turned one of them down. How people can be so rude about people they found good enough to sleep with is beyond me.
So I guess sometimes you do regret the
people stuff you do do
Of course doing these things arent shameful. Why is sex shameful? Drugs and drinking arent shameful either. Its better to have tried everything as you only live once imo. Any man that gets jealous or judges you for having sex is an extremely insecure one.
It's not sordid or shameful. I met dh at 18 and still managed to fit in a few weeks years, and even a few with him before having ds1 at 21.
I'm glad I fell pregnant when I did, we'd already wasted a hefty house deposit on cocaine and clubs!
Now we're are wholesome as it gets, no one suspects we used to lose weekends to illegal drugs.
Your past is what it is, in the past.
Thanks everyone, im really glad I posted as its made me realise im worrying about nothing
Who knows, when im old and grey I may look on my past with fondness!
Will just forget the past now and focus on my brilliant present and future.
Can I have EHA badge too?
only the people who didnt like you back then will remember you like that, but your friends will see you as you are now , dont worry about the past , everyone has one .
Who knows, when im old and grey I may look on my past with fondness!
I am old & white & look upon my 'wildchild' times in the 70's with great fondness now!
When thinking about my past I've always liked this saying:
"Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter".
I had a similar past. Luckily dh knew me back then - he rather liked me in fact but was warned that I was somewhat of a maneater.
He doesn't care, although I do joke that he doesn't know the half of it (had several, separate groups of friends).
When I look back on it I do feel a bit sad that I had little self respect because all I actually wanted was someone to love me - the fwb thing was a particularly low point. Drug use? Meh. We were all at it but I only used to dabble
scrounge off other people and never really had a problem.
I do often wonder how life would have turned out if we'd got together back then, but is not worth dwelling on. The one thing I'll take from it though, is to be open and honest with dds about feelings and relationships - totally the opposite of my parents, who I could never, ever open up to.
Don't worry op.
Was also a bit of a wild child many moons ago - Focus on the future..
though I must admit the thought of EVER doing ANYTHING noteworthy and becoming famous would fill me with dread about it all becoming public knowledge - I would NEVER pass a political selection for election stage.. never....
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