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To give up on this date

(253 Posts)
watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 17:01:09

Had a great first date last monday, so great the second date was planned the same day, for tomorrow night.

since then hes kind of dropped off the face of the earth, what was daily contact, lots of texts and things throughout the day has dropped to something like 10 messages over 6 days. Knowing he was busy this weekend i messaged to say have a nice weekend, which he recieved but didnt reply to.

Not being one to be passive about these things i sent him a message saying i wasnt sure what was up, but that if he had changed his mind that was fine and to just let me know as i didnt want to message someone when it wasnt wanted.

He immediatley replied and told me he had been crazy busy and we would chat soon. That was 48 hours ago. Nothing since. He is away this weekend with friends but has been using his phone/internet as i can see hes updated various things.....

Second date is meant to be tomorrow. Just how long am i meant to keep hanging on waiting to hear? Some friends have said i should just wait and give him a chance, others have said to send something cancelling it.

Im in two minds what to do. Give up?!!

watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 17:32:06

nkf - might not be for you. is for me.... ive lots of friends, male and female, people chat all day long, text, via fb, whatsapp etc... on and off about anything and everything. maybe its a generational thing?

If he blows me off i doubt i will feel like sitting the the cinema on my own. i wont be able to go out with friends at such short notice as they would all need babysitters. and if you have ever been stood up/ blown out at the last min, you will know it doesnt feel very nice.

StuntGirl Sun 14-Jul-13 17:32:56

I think you are making the right decision.

I also think you need to alter your expectations a little. Online dating, like every other kind, is a minefield. I used to have the loveliest chats with a very nice teacher from the next city over, we just never managed to find a time we could meet up. I could have viewed it as a total time waste, but we had a pleasant enough time talking. I frequently messaged a very interesting artist from London who I knew I'd never meet up with as we lived hundreds of miles apart, but the flirty banter was fun. I've dated guys who seem keen then drop off the face of the earth, guys who say all the right things but their actions don't match, and guys who turned out to be plain rude/horrid/weird. It's the luck of the draw, you just have to take a deep breath and see what you get. And not get so worked up about one guy not meeting your unspoken expectations!

watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 17:36:00

yeah, it was from match.

ive done a ton of online dating so i know how it works.... and i also know that such a drop in contact is such a big flag that something is up. its nothing to do with expectations at all. I would be fine with whatever, but its the CHANGE in his behaviour which is indicating something isnt right.

daisychain01 Sun 14-Jul-13 17:36:19

Send him a text and say Thanks for the date, enjoyed the evening, but sorry something else has cropped up now, cheers, all the best. It gives you back the final word, so to speak and it closes it all off and leaves it on a pleasant note. Don't be persuaded to change your mind. You probably wont hear from him, but in any case, it really seems like he isn't that bothered, so save your delightful company for someone who you feel more comfortable about.

I actually don't give my mobile number out too soon because the downside of texting is that during the early days of a relationship it is sooo easy to send off lots of texts, which then lets either person read between the lines too much, rather than let things happen naturally!

StuntGirl Sun 14-Jul-13 17:36:41

This babysitter thing seems to be a big issue, and is likely to be a recurring problem for you if you end up dating quite a lot of guys. Is there a workaround there for you? Arranging dates during school time or when your child is with their other parent? Asking friends/family members to babysit so there's more flexibility? (Perhaps you could offer to return the favour for them sometime?)

I just feel like you may run into this same issue time and time again, so perhaps worth looking for alternatives and workarounds.

StuntGirl Sun 14-Jul-13 17:37:48

"The downside of texting is that during the early days of a relationship it is sooo easy to send off lots of texts, which then lets either person read between the lines too much, rather than let things happen naturally!"

This. I would add Facebook/Snapchat/every other kind of social media to that tbh.

watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 17:40:05

i only date when my child is with her father. and last mondays date was a lunchtime... so while she was at school and on one of my days off. I never get babysitters for first dates, because i have learnt the hard way this is a stupid thing to do smile

i only get a sitter if i think its worth it. which i did. now i dont.

and i agree he really doesnt seem all that bothered.... so i dont want to waste my time and effort.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 14-Jul-13 17:40:37

Did you have sex during the first date?

No judgement, it happens, I've done it grin but it might illuminate his seeming fall-off in attention.

watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 17:42:18

stuntgirl and daisy - i agree. however that is the world we now live in. And i think in some ways its a good thing, as you can find out much about a person from this stuff ( and find out if someone is married when they are single and save yourself a date and a whole lot of drama) but also the downside is people chat a lot. and like you said, it can lead to assumptions or expectations of behaviours.

watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 17:43:23

i did not have sex with him. no.

it was a daytime date, we had ice cream and went to the beach. we didnt even kiss.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 14-Jul-13 17:47:38

Right, still doesn't look brilliant though I guess.

I almost wonder if he's been on another date since.

Definitely disengage. If he sends a last minute text just say sorry, baby sitter has fallen though. Then if he's interested he'll try to arrange something else.

watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 17:49:44

it doesnt look brilliant, i know.

He might have been on another date, i dont think so. he had his children two of those nights, and then has been doing stuff with friends in prep for this weekend...... its his hobby/ obsession. so i think hes just got wrapped up in that.

fluffyraggies Sun 14-Jul-13 17:55:13

Look - it's Sunday eve now - If it was me i'd think anyone who was that dead keen to take me out in 24 hours would have finalised time and place by now.

I think you should resign yourself to not going out tomorrow.

If he calls/texts later tonight or tomorrow morning to arrange it, you can be all breezy and say ''oh sorry - i've arranged something else now, how about xxx time place? We need to make it definate though, 'cos of babysitting''.

This will give him the idea you're not sat waiting around for him and also an idea how keen he really is.

StuntGirl Sun 14-Jul-13 17:55:16

I don't personally think he's done anything wrong at all, but since you do you're better letting him find someone else. I see that this was purely a rant rather than actually wanting opinions or advice, so I'm out.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts Sun 14-Jul-13 17:55:16

There's two ways of dealing with this.

1) Chill and stick with the 'plans' for Monday then see where it goes.
2) Pre-emptively cancel Monday and chalk this one up to experience.

I don't recommend tormenting yourself over what HE is thinking and whether he is interested in you. Decide for yourself whether this would be a good way to start a relationship and if the answer is no, walk away.

sarahseashell Sun 14-Jul-13 17:58:48

he might have contacted you less because he knows you've already got another date lined up?

do you want to see him again? If so can you get a babysitter on standby or make a 'plan b' and then decide monday lunchtime/ whatever time you think is a decent time for him to have contacted you by?

or if you don't like the way he operates don't see him again smile I wouldn't text him either way - see when he contacts you and then you can say he's left it too late/ you've changed your mind or whatever.

but in dating do try to act as though you're fabulous and why wouldn't he want to see you - that's my advice wink think of what you want in a man

diddl Sun 14-Jul-13 18:01:16

Does he know that you need to get a babysitter?

When you last messaged, why didn't you ask properly what the plans were for tomorrow?

watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 18:01:26

fluffy - i do agree.

smite - hmm, yeah. I think im going to sit back and see what happens. Till about 2pm ish, then cancel myself.

I dont think its a great way to start something and i kind of feel that im not interested very much at all now. Hes got the morning to redeem himself, he doesnt know that.

Interestingly, i spoke to some lads at work about this who said it was odd and that if he gets in contact and acts like nothing has happened, then to not see him, because its clear hes not that interested ( becuse as a man, he would be chasing if he were) and that if i take that, he will think he can do what he wants and ill just take it. These were men in their 20's ... i thought that was an interesting view.....

watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 18:04:27

yeah he knows i need to get a sitter. and i didnt properly ask what the plans were as it was only friday and i hadnt heard from him really since the monday evening. I didnt want to push.

sarah - i AM fab. which is why im not taking any shit.... and why i dont want to feel upset tomorrow when ive been blown out. im trying to protect my fabness smile

CatelynStark Sun 14-Jul-13 18:11:14

I've been in exactly the same situation recently only it wasn't online dating, we met in a shop.

Fantastic first date - no sex but a bit of a kiss - the second date was arranged. I turned up - he didn't. He said he didn't think it was a firm arrangement, apologised and since then absolutely nothing!

I've seen him twice since then, just bumping into him, and he's definitely cooled and I have no idea why.

All I can think is that he's either met someone else or he's one of those commitment phobic men who run from 'love' <shrug>

If I were you, OP, I'd cancel the babysitter and save yourself the grief. I'm sorry this has happened to you - it's really not a nice feeling, I know sad

watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 18:17:35

catelyn, urgh, sorry it happened to you too. its happened to me plenty of times before, which is why i can now see the signs of it happening, rather than blindly thinking its all ok because ive not heard differently.

Its the change of behaviour that is key.

Im not going to cancel yet. I know hes still away. Im giving him the benefit of the doubt until lunchtime, but i dont actually think i will 1) hear from him 2) the date will happen.

CatelynStark Sun 14-Jul-13 18:22:43

Fair enough - I hope he gets in touch soon and all is well.

But yes, I know exactly what you mean about the change in contact pattern. Just because someone's busy, they don't fall off the edge of the world. Nor are they lying in a ditch, weakly calling out our names smile

watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 18:26:59

no, they arent, lol more so when hes been using his phone to update stuff, its not that much more effort to send a quick ' hi' when the phone is already in his hand.... bearing in mind we are meant to have a date tomorrow.

i brought a new dress....

CatelynStark Sun 14-Jul-13 18:37:47

Hey, I even shaved my legs! shock

Just in case, you know grin

watchforthesnail Sun 14-Jul-13 18:48:12

woah!!! you shaved your legs. thats serious effort right there smile

what has he said when you have seen him about since?
such odd behavior

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