Was I unreasonable r.e dd's birthday present?(100 Posts)
It was my little girl's first birthday on Wednesday. Apart from the presents from dp and I, my brother and dd's parents, she didn't even get a card from anyone else.
So dp's parents phoned dd's great grandad to remind him and he
reluctantly sent a card. He also visited dp's parents on the Tuesday and was dragged round to ours to say happy birthday. He stayed for all of about 5 mins and was miserable, ignored dd etc. So he left and I let it slip as he's a misery anyway!
Dp's parents visited dd's great nanny yesterday and asked if she'd sent a card or called us to pop over to hers for a bit (she lives a five min walk down the road) and she screamed at them that she's has 'no time to' (I'd just like to add here that she had just been into town to go shopping for gifts and cards for a grand daughter's christening, also that she's not very old- early 60s before there's any accusations of granny bashing and having a go at an old woman, she is a very spring chicken!) Anyway!.... She then proceeded to snatch up a blank card from a drawer and scribble happy birthday on it and grabbed something she'd knitted and shoved it into a bag.
So when dp's parents came over and explained and went to hand me the bag, I just lost it and burst into tears. I don't have any contact with any of my family and haven't done for a long time due to them 'siding' with my abusive ex when we broke up, but I still talk to my brother as he has always been supportive. So I have been completely gutted by the fact that dp's family, who all live very close, just will not give dd their time of day. She's the only great grandchild on their side and dp's parents are absolutely fuming too.
So I sent the card and 'gift' back via dp's parents and given them a message to pass on to everyone who's not bothered with dd that if it's too much hassle to acknowledge her, then don't bother!
Was I unreasonable? Or am I being PFB? I don't want people to be held under duress with regards to contact etc, so would I also be unreasonable to cut what little contact is there with the extended family?
So the episode with the card in the drawer and something knitted (knitted for your DD?) is hearsay?
The great grandad did come round.
You do sound difficult, but your ILs do sound like stirrers too. Are they deliberately trying to wind you up with the story about the great nanny? You sound easily wound up - so maybe they are.
Building families for your child involves a lot of compromise, biting of tongues, and gratitude for their care, however it is expressed.
Obviously this does not apply to abusive stuff, but otherwise....
Why are your DP's parents trying to stir up trouble in the family by describing their parents'/ILs' behaviour in such negative ways?
Are the parents stirrers, or is this OPs projection and assumption.. I am going for the latter.
Yes you're being thick, and your last comment was snidey.
My grandad had my mum when he was 19
My mum had me when she was 22
I had my daughter when I was 23
....great grandad at 64 (although actually he became a great grandad to my niece at 62)
It is easy to blame your own family siding with your ex during the split, but do you think your own behaviour has alienated your own family?
If this is how you behave with your dps family, I dread to think how you have treated your own.... No wonder, if this is how you treat others, that your family has taken a step back.
Sometimes if you gave a party you get more attention and gifts etc. My dcs have nothing to do with their great gran. She's not interested and never asks my mum how they are but it doesn't keep me awake at night. Move on. You will get nowhere by throwing a strop. Accept that you have two sets of caring grandparents and a good brother who is interested. Some of us haven't even got that.
You do not know the ins and outs of your PILs relationship with GGM. Maybe they are horrid to her on a daily basis, so the apparent oddness and coldness of her response was anger and exasperation at their bullying tactics. She is old, quite possibly forgot...maybe they went round and were nasty and bullying to her...
the fact they relished relaying all that to you suggests they rather like "controlling" family situations. I would go round to GGM and apologise and say thank you. who knows what her life is like with such ghastly child and iLs? build your own relationship with her, don't allow others to get in the middle.
Excellent. Thick AND rude. That's a MN jackpot isn't it?
You forgot snidey Malcolm you are a triple threat
OP, now your attitude seems spoilt. I don't know how old you are, but I am guessing rather young, and rather indulged. And a rather princessy attitude to your 'rights'.
You will learn that you earn privileges in this world. By your own behaviour.
You cant just sit on your sofa and get vicious when things don't fall into line with your sense of entitlement.
Babies are ten a bleeding penny. Especially for older members of a family. They made an effort. Try for a bit of dignity and graciousness.
God forbid you continue like this with you dd. Babies become toddlers, become children, and amazingly, won't automatically fall into line with your view of the world.
malcolm my gran had my mum at 18, my mum had me at 17 and then my sister had her son at 22, so my gran was a great-grandmother at 57.
Not all mothers are 35 and in possession of a naice 4x4 and house in Surrey.
You've got a few more numbers left on the bingo card yet Malcolm
well, I am almost fifty, and I can tell you right now I frequently forget peoples birthdays...even PFBs.
Shoot me now.
But I don't get your point. Only 35 year old mothers with naice houses in surry and a 4X4 are capable of good manners and emotional maturity?
My MIL became a GG at 63. she had her son at 18, he had his son at 24 and his son had a daughter when he was 21.
but GGparents did have a 4 x 4 and live in Surrey
Fuck. Really? All mothers don't have a 4 x 4? Or a Surrey mansion? Well WTF are they doing having babies then?
And you're calling ME thick?
You are unbelievably rude. I'd imagine theyll be quite happy if you cut contact. Possibly they dont drop over too often because of you if you're actually like your post suggests.
I'd suggest you try and develop a sense of proportion tbh.
Go worra - tenner for every missing insult - £50 for a full house!
I realised quite recently that I had failed my DS because we did not live in Surrey. Or have a 4x4. I suggested to him that we went for adoption. He patted me on the head and said few people wanted a smelly 13 year old, and I was kinda stuck with him.
You are being very unreasonable, very PFB, and extremely entitled. If you expect gifts and cards on time for a first birthday (particularly from extended not immediate family) then you should have invited them over for party food and marked the occasion yourself. Your dp's parents sound awful too. What kind of adults would describe the reluctance of a gift they were passing on anyway? Totally weird.
Just to answer a few qns:
The great grandad is MIL's dad
The great grandma is FIL's mum.
Great grandma had FIL at 18, FIL and MIL had dp at 20, dp and I had dd last year at 21, she's definitely in her 60s.
I do realise that it seems selfish and rude of me to send the present back, but I didn't throw a fit and throw it at them! I just politely said to MIL and FIL 'could you take it with you as I don't want to feel like it's a forced effort'. MIL and FIL do know her better and have told me that she has been very wrapped up with one of her grand children who was born a few months after our daughter.
I think I'm quite sensitive as none of my family have bothered with me since I broke up from my ex a few years ago and even now I have a daughter, they still don't want to know but I'm not too worried about that as they live miles away so I'm of the feeling 'out of sight, out of mind' with regards to my family. I'm just upset that dp's family are all within a 10min driving radius and just don't seem to want to know. I'm unsure why as I've always got on with them and I do like them, just once the novelty wore off of dd being a little baby it's like she no longer exists!
You can't force your baby or yourself onto people, that's just not how it works.
People should visit you because they want to visit you. If they don't, then perhaps it's time to ask yourself why?
Just because you didn't throw the gift at them, does not make you sound any less hissy and petulant.
Your PILS sound like total shit stirrers, especially to tell you she's been wrapped up in her other grand child.
You've lost one side of your family, don't lose the other by behaving in this way.
But if anything your a tions will dive them away more! If you want people to be close with dd then treat them nicer
So you were only a teen when your own parents sided with your ex? Maybe you are wanting in laws to fill the gaps left by your own family. Do you think now you have a child it's time to build bridges? That way your dd will have more people in her life and you won't need to appear to be so demanding.
I think you need to apologise to GGM because you have behaved really badly otherwise you may need to consider that another relative not in your dd's life.
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