Ex expecting dd to share a room with him(124 Posts)
OK, can you read what you've said back and think about it again? It's so clear to us and you must be in a state of panic thinking that it will go to court and you will look neglectful.
You pay for everything for your daughter. You cook for her and clean and are with her when she's sick. You know who her friends are and what upsets her. One of the things that upsets her is the behaviour of her father. Do you think a court wouldn't see that? They want what's best for a child. Do you really think they'd want her to travel for several hours to see him when a) he doesn't ever contact her, b) he's unreliable and has let her down consistently, c) he hasn't paid a penny maintenance and d) her mother needs the little money she has to put food on the table and clothes on her child.
Perhaps you could send him a text saying, "Oh Child has grown out of her shoes and her coat and I just can't afford the £40 for them. And her bed has broken and I'll have to replace it. It's going to be at least £80. Could you please help me out?"
I don't think you'd hear from him again.
I think you're panicking unnecessarily too. As Imperial says, you do everything for DD, he does nothing. No court is going to take his word over yours, given his previous behaviour and violence. Even though your DD is relatively young, her opinion would still hold some sway.
I'd insist all contact is through a solicitor and ignore his calls, texts etc. If he continues to harass you, involve the police.
Worried, you are worried over nothing. You rovide everything for your dd both material and emotional, he has provided nothing! You ar not rolling in money yourself, and need that to provide a roof over your dd head and food on the table. If h wants to see her, he can bloody well get a job(s) anything, that will help him afford to run a car to see his dd, he cannot be bloody bothered an the courts will see that. I don't think they can make you take her to him, where is the extra money goin to come from?
What's all this business about a car anyway? He wants you to go on public transport, doesn't he? Why can't he do that? He could get up early (I'm not going to be surprised if you say that won't happen) and get a train/coach by 9 am and he'd be there before lunch. He could take her out for lunch and to the cinema (something else tells me that's not going to happen either) and then he can get back on the coach/train and bugger off back again. He could do that every weekend if he wanted to.
Exactly imperial. Op said that ex could not afford to run a car to see dd, and was expecting op to take her there. He has two legs he can use public transport, that's what any decent parent would do. But something tells me that he would not do that as he is too lazy. He would have to prove to the courts that he has made every effort with his dd and be a responsible parent. His track record says other wise
Yes, I think that's what the OP has to bear in mind. She has to be reasonable but so does her ex. Her reasonableness will be in taking turns, allowing contact and phone calls, but his will be in making a bloody effort.
God, I wish we had Judge Judy over here - she'd sort him out!
If he wants to see her then he saves up his money and comes over, if he's not seen her much then he just visits and takes her out for the day at first. if he has nowhere suitable for a teenage daughter to stay then she doesn't stay over.
I'm infavour of dads having contact but he has to be willing to put some money and effort in and staying overnight is only sensible if he can clarify to her and you inadvance where she will be staying that isn't a sofa or sharing his bed.
Him picking her up and you collecting her may be a compromise but the sleeping situation needs resolving. She shouldn't be disadvantaged through spending time with her dad.
I think you need to stop the conversations by making demands of him that he can't meet, eg giving money towards her clothes or by saying he has to be the one to make the effort travelling.
He has shown no sign of wanting involvement with your child. He's not a good dad. He is bored and a bit lonely I daresay, and he thinks she'll save him from that.
I'm all for dads sharing care etc, but not when they're like him.
De lurking. OP, what stuck with me is the mention you had to leave your home as he was smashing up the place and hitting you.
Have you reported this or could you report it historically?
With the knowledge if the above situation, the courts would see that you are safeguarding a child from a violent person.
I second getting a solicitor to write about the past violence and current fear your daughter has of her father and inform your ex that overnight is not appropriate.
Worried he has to take responsibility an that is coming to see his dd, not op having to take her teir and her paying Noway. Past violence, even more ammunition against him
Would a court look badly on me not taking her to him
I said great I will come there one weekend
OP you are over-thinking this. Listen to what people are telling you.
You do not have to take her. She lives with you.
If he wants to see her he must make the arrangements. It's not your responsibility. End of.
Either way he's not going to be expecting you to leap into action or make an instant decision and he is not going to be able to do anything instantly.
It will take you ages to get through but they are professional qualified and very good, give these people a call and put your mind at rest
I think I would give him an email address and change my phone number so all contact was in writting.
Tell him you and dd will meet him in a midway city everyother Saturday/Sunday and to confirm he will be there via email at noon on the Friday. Then check the email every Friday. I dont think you will get meny emails.
If he emailed you to say he will be there and doesnt show, reply in email and three strikes and then close email down.
Also if you show up and he does not after saying he will, buy a coffee or anything near the arranged location and ask for a receipt and keep it bung it in a folder with a copy of emails.
Proof you did show up just incase he lies.
Worried, I would just leave it now, and leave it up to him.
That's good, keep them in a file as evidence. And relax, I personally think he's too lazy to do anything
Great. You've done all the right things. Now sit back and leave it to him.
I don't know why others have said meet him half way. You certainly don't need to, and your DD will be more worried meeting him in unfamiliar surroundings.
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