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to knock on this mums door

(20 Posts)
yerbabird Wed 10-Jul-13 11:53:40

long story cut short:

group of kids play out locally my ds included. All started last Summer so about a year now. Lovely, all mums agreed! Say three months ago, had a small problem that I knocked on my neighbours door about, all sorted. (Ds's coat had been found in the bin when we could not find it in the morning) Everyone out playing, knocking on my DS too as usual. Then something bigger happened and I ended up knocking again only a couple of days later, BUT it was all friendly, I'm friendly, and it all Ok at the time.

Oh no!

This mum had gone to see the other mum and had banned their boys from playing with my DS. So you can imagine it 'Go away, we can't play with you'. There was a water fight, the first mum says when my DS asked her 'please why not' 'because your mum keeps coming knocking'.

The second mum agreed to get the boys all together and start again, but pulled out at the last minute and said she wanted the 'ban' to stay.

Two months later now.

I always say hello if I see them, (boys or mum) 80% no response. Have lost a lot of sleep over this. Have taken all the advice to 'leave it alone'..

But last week AT SCHOOL the elder of the two 'banned' boys is excluding my son in the dodge tag game (practically all the boys are playing this it is big at school atm and my ds loves it). It started with just that boy but he is YR6 and on Monday my DS (yr 4) had 'a big gang of them' shouting at him to go away, so he went to the head. He's not a cryer BTW, he stood his ground before then but said' mum they were shouting so loud I could not speak'

Since then the boy has not said it, although others at school still are. Well 7 days to go there...

BUT AIBU to find a quite time to knock on the two mums doors and ask that we start again, so we can have a friendly summer? Do I rather go with my DS?

I feel so sad that I have got this so wrong for my DS, and I do not lack the courage to what is required, but I just don't know what's right.

I have lived here 6 years, this is a large village in the countryside...

Thank you for your time to read, and ANY comments even one word - I'd be soo grateful xx Y

YouTheCat Wed 10-Jul-13 11:56:40

The boy and the mum sound like bullies to me.

If there are other children, get them onside. Invite them in for an afternoon if the weather is a bit poo so your ds can have a new set of friends.

QueenofallIsee Wed 10-Jul-13 11:59:35

I am sorry to see that your poor lad is being excluded - there is no need for that kind of thing in my opinion. I have to say that i would leave it if I were you - school wise it will be over with in a few days (ask them to keep a close eye on thing) and if you felt strongly enough to tackle these women over a few things you should consider if they are really people that you want to be friendly with when they clearly see things so so differently? I would be more inclined to get DS into a holiday club and get some new mates

idlevice Wed 10-Jul-13 12:05:13

But what is the problem with you knocking? Are you interrupting her facebook time?? Actually if she is busy with a baby or working at home then that is a possible reason for her to be annoyed but she should say in that case please can we discuss later. If you do go to speak to her can you suggest that you agree on what to do if there should be an issue in future? Would putting a note in their doors first to forewarn be a good idea? (or give them more chance to gang up on you...)

YANBU but I think they are, why would they want to cause disharmony amongst the boys? It is not a good example for their children in how to get along with other people diplomatically, whereas your intentions are it would seem <pats OP on the back>

Tryharder Wed 10-Jul-13 12:09:18

Oh God, that sounds like hard work.

Village life, eh? Sounds like these mums have too much time on their hands.

You could go round to the mum's house with a box of chocs, say you are really upset about the falling out, don't known what happened etc and want to put things straight. And hope she agrees and your son is allowed back into the gang.

Or you could fight fire with fire, mutter 'you ignorant cunt' at her in the street, show her you're not intimated and find your son some other friends.

Tryharder Wed 10-Jul-13 12:11:07

Thing is,if you kowtow to them now, you will be setting the scene for them to walk over you again.

This sort of things always amazes me. How do people even have time for this sort of shit?

wouldliketobethere Wed 10-Jul-13 12:38:58

Sounds like it has gone too far to be resolved by you knocking again. Maybe they were already getting a bit bully like when the coat went missing and the "something bigger" (you don't say what it was) happened. Stay out of it, find your DS some other groups to do things with in the holidays and keep doing the friendly "hello" thing. It is a shame for your DS but maybe in time things will settle down.

yerbabird Wed 10-Jul-13 12:40:38

Thank you for your posts !! ...lots of different ways of looking at this.

I shake my head about this small-minded life here, but it don't go away!

Thing that concerns me is the long-term - this 'ban' feels as if it could become really insidious and I DO have to nip it up now...


adeucalione Wed 10-Jul-13 13:04:27

This is bullying behaviour from the children and their mothers.

I expect they set out to punish you for criticising their children, and to make sure you think twice about doing so again.

There is no way I would give them the satisfaction of knowing that they had upset me, I would rather move house than knock on their door with a box of chocolates and a big fake smile. Thereafter, every time you wanted to raise an issue with them, you would back off out of fear that they would ostracise your son again.

I agree with everyone who has said that you need to encourage different friendships, smile politely and ignore ignore ignore their stupid childish behaviour. Just rise above it and all of your friends and neighbours will see that you are reasonable, and they are immature loons.

adeucalione Wed 10-Jul-13 13:08:55

& you can't nip it in the bud, as you want, because they have all the power at the moment. You could apologise, explain, grovel and they could still carry on or do it again at some point in the future. The way to nip it in the bud is to not care any more, then they cease to have any power over you or your son. If their children are as horrid as you describe there will be other children who don't like them, invite them over and encourage new friendships.

minouminou Wed 10-Jul-13 13:43:21

Do NOT go round with a box of chocolates. You're effectively rewarding her for being a massive knobber!

Find different friends...for you and for your DS, monitor the situation at school (let teachers know exactly what's happened) and keep on keeping on.

MissStrawberry Wed 10-Jul-13 13:48:24

FFS do not go begging to her again - with chocolates hmm - for your son to be allowed to play with hers. She is a bully and she is encouraging her children to be bullies too.

If it was me I would be telling my children some people are not very nice and these people are an example of that and you will find lots of other things to do over the summer and you do not need to be grateful for a few crumbs of company from these disgraceful people.

pigletmania Wed 10-Jul-13 14:42:57

I would not want anything to do with them, they sound vi and encouraging their ds to bully your ds is disgusting. I would see te school about it, as it s spilling into school. I would keep ds away from the lot of em, are teir any other children he knows, what about activities during the holidays. Clubs etc so he meets other Chidren and takes his mind off it

GreenSkittles Wed 10-Jul-13 14:58:58

OP, are there other local children that your ds could play with? Start inviting them round for tea and see hwo things develop.

As far as these two mothers/cows stop saying hello to them if they are ignoring you. Definitely don't take presents. They won't respect you if you go cap in hand begging them to let your ds back in. And if they did allow, it what would it achieve? It sounds like they bully him.

Either bring in other kids for him to play with, or get out and about and encourage him with hobbies, sports and clubs.

sensesworkingovertime Wed 10-Jul-13 15:15:38

Yerbabird it's a cryin' shame if it all started well but it sounds like these other mums belong in a primary school yard, not parenting. You don't want/need to have to be asking if your child can play with theirs because you committed the cardinal sin of knocking on her door to sort something out. If they want to play again let them play and all be well but if they keep your DS dangling on a yoyo string then I would sack it and find better company.

ratbagcatbag Wed 10-Jul-13 15:22:39

Divide and conquer, get a couple of children round and organise something awesome, water fight, movie afternoon etc, ignore the ones who've been horrid to your ds, get him some new friends over the summer but do not let these others join in. If he gets a few friends onside it won't seem so bad. Leave school to sort bullying issues separately.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Wed 10-Jul-13 16:11:21

When you went to see them what happened? Did you have a go at them or blame their children for something?

This situation sounds horrible, they are probably just nasty bullies but I'm just wondering if you offended them and they told their dc to not play with yours to avoid anymore aggro?

Either way it's done now, I don't think going round again will change anything. Definitely take it up with the school if you feel your child is being bullied

adeucalione Wed 10-Jul-13 18:17:30

I like ratbag's idea - organise exciting things and their children will be begging to play with yours.

formicadinosaur Wed 10-Jul-13 19:25:29

What was the bigger thing that happened?

BMW6 Wed 10-Jul-13 19:36:40

I also vote for Ratbag's cunning plan. Fuck 'em.

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