AIBU re single friend(39 Posts)
Had lunch with an old friend from school yesterday. She's dating and really hoping to find someone to marry - would love to have DC. I am married with one DD.
There is always a bit of sensitivity when I meet her - even before DD was born, about the different stages of our life we are in. I am really conscious of this and make a big effort to talk about work, travel, mutual friends etc, without referring to DH or DD too much.
Yesterday we got to the end of lunch and I realised that, as I had not mentioned DD, her existence had actually not even really been acknowledged. No question from my friend about how she was, or what we'd been up to.
I don't think she meant to be unkind, and I am really not sure I am being unreasonable to expect some interest into DD who is such a big part of my life. I really value her friendship so will probably just let it go, but WIBU to volunteer at least a bit of information about DD and the things that occupy my mind next time we meet?
Sorry I hope that all makes sense.
and some people's pets are as important to them as babies - I know someone who had pictures taken by a baby photographer, paid £500 for them ... pictures of ... her rabbits!
wannaBe - that's possibly going too far, but it proves my point. Each to their own, as it were. One person's priority is another person's barely interested.
It is, I believe, perfectly acceptable and possible to STILL be the person you were before you became a mother and not become anything other than a mother, as if the person you used to be doesn't exist any more.
Well if you talked about your plans to return from mat leave, then it probably got on to how you're feeling about work, then she started to talk about her job, then you moved onto a mutual acquaintance who has just been made redundant and is planning to travel the world, which then led on to her holiday plans and then back to travel generally and how you're going to have to start driving to work to do the nursery drop-offs, which led on to her new bike, then hey presto! It's time to get the bill and she hasnt asked about dd.
It's easily done, but it doesn't mean anything. It's just how the conversation went...
Annakin - your last point is absolutely right. But I wouldn't make an issue or take umbrage over someone else not asking something during a lunch when I myself could have volunteered it anyway.
I have friends without children, some of who actively dislike children, they normally ask how my kids are, to be honest it it is normally in a lull in conversation they are not interested, any more than im interested how their dogs are, i would just say if it didn't come up you both had better things to talk about.
Thanks all. I will definitely not hold it against her as she is such a good friend and will have had her reasons - either trivial (didn't think of it) or sensitivity, or thinking she was doing me a favour
But I will in future bring up DD-related things if they are important to me - agree with those that have said friends should care about things that matter to you.
It's just good manners to ask 'how are your family' really isn't it? I wouldn't break a friendship up over it but may think it was a bit strange. If my friend had a boyfriend (never mind kids) at some point I'd say 'how x'.
I think you're overthinking this tbh OP - specifically deciding not to mention your DC & DH is a bit partonising, just chat about whatever you've got going on, whatever you're interested in - if that happens to be your family then so be it
If you don't mention them I don't think it's fair to think she's done anything wrong by not mentioning them if you haven't, if theres nothing particular for her to ask then it's just not come up in conversation
I really think you are overthinking this. 99% of my friends are single and none of them have kids (even though we are all
ancient over 35). Sometimes they'll ask how my DH or my stepdaughter (who they'll all met) is. Less often they'll ask how my dogs or stepson (who they havn't met) is. Likewise, I might ask how their DM/DP/ other friends are doing- or not!
It really isn't to be taken personally. I'm sure your friend is really enjoying your company and catching up with you. And while your daughter is of course a big part of your life she isn't a big part of your friend's life.
I have just had my third miscarriage and no dc's yet. However, I love my friends and their kids are a part of them and therefore I am interested in them and if dc's aren't there I always ask about them. friendships go two ways and you should be interested in each other's lives,I would hate it if my friends didn't talk about their dc's due to my fertility issues.
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