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to put my foot down (re. DD's friend)

(113 Posts)
loopyluna Tue 09-Jul-13 18:50:35

DD is 11. Last year I was seriously ill, 2 months in hospital and 2 months at home, unable to walk.

DD is in the same sports club as a friend so before my sudden illness, her mum and I carpooled -she took the girls and I did pick ups. When I got ill she continued to take my DD and her exH brought them both back (for which I was immensely grateful as it allowed DD to keep up her routine during a distressing time.)
Then, one day, about 3 weeks after I left hospital this women texted to say the club was cancelled that day. I discovered this was untrue when the coach called me! I texted back to say there must have been a misunderstanding and she replied, curtly, that I should make alternative arrangements to avoid further confusion. She continued to drive past my house to take her DD whilst mine couldn't go until I managed to start walking and driving.

Now, one year on, DD is still friends with the girl and I have always made her feel welcome at our house. Last week I took them both swimming and after (lets call her P), P asked if DD could sleep over at hers. I said no. Cue, utter meltdown from P!
Next day P phoned and invited DD to stay. Again I said no.
Today P has been texting me, all afternoon, begging me to let DD go to hers tomorrow. We are having visitors so it is out of the question but I said DD could meet her at the pool late afternoon.

I don't want DD to go to P's house as P's mother made it quite clear last year that DD wasn't even welcome in her car, let alone her house. The woman blanks me if we pass in the street.

Not to drip feed, when P's parents were divorcing, P told DD that her dad hit her mum during a row. I have also heard both P's parents tell P she is fat compared to DD (-P is slim, DD is stick-like.) The parents are still legally divorced but are living together again.

All of this adds up to me not wanting DD anywhere near P's house. Both girls are sad about this. DD accepts that P is allowed here but she isn't allowed to P's, but she's quite miffed that I'm putting my foot down.

Am I being U and petty?

YouTheCat Thu 11-Jul-13 11:15:45

I don't think I'd want my child staying over with people like that tbh.

CrapBag Thu 11-Jul-13 11:09:42

What ridiculous amounts of pure speculation on here!!!

So now the mum is ignoring this woman because of DV. Fuck me, only on MN sometimes!!!

She was giving lifts to her DDs friend who's mother was in a coma, one day she suddenly lied about it, she knew it wasn't cancelled because she took her own DD so yes she was blatantly lying, then she blanks OP ever since, refusing to say hello or look in her direction then projects this behaviour onto her DDs friend. OP wants to talk to the mother to check on this sleepover arrangement but still the mother refuses and the dad says he will call, but as yet hasn't.

No, the OP does not owe this woman an apology or any favours and she is right to keep her DD away from their house. The sleepovers are not a normal occurrence, the OP said she has P over to hers but does not allow her DD to go over there because of the mother ignoring her completely.

Facts of the actual story!

TimeofChange Wed 10-Jul-13 20:44:01

Why would anyone let their DD sleep over with people they don't trust.

The girls can be friends without spending nights together.

I think some of these replies are too harsh on Lupa.

BerylStreep Wed 10-Jul-13 12:01:20

I agree, some weird response on here.

Perhaps P's mum thought that your DH could have done some of the lifts when you were unwell?

In any event, I think you are right not to allow DD round to P's house if you think her mother would be rude to her - why expose her to that?

In relation to the sleepover, I would tell P that either her mum or dad need to phone you to discuss. Bet there will be no phone-call.

Boomba Wed 10-Jul-13 10:59:22

I would also want to speak to the mum, to get her to stop her dd from texting you!!

hatsybatsy Wed 10-Jul-13 10:59:05


I was at the same school (for 11 years) as a girl with a very toxic mother. The mother was very anti me during various stages of our school career (memorably forcing me to move out of her daughter's planned tent for guide camp - sounds petty but devastating to a 12 year old).

My mother handled the whole thing very diplomatically. She always managed to let the woman know what upset she had caused, but never ever stopped me from seeing my friend (at my house or hers).

Sorry- long winded, but if the girls are friends they have to be allowed to get on with it. Your dd just needs to know that if she feels awkward/unhappy at her friend's house, then she should come home.

VianneFox Wed 10-Jul-13 10:48:09

No, I wouldn't let my children stay with someone who clearly had a problem with me. She also blanks your daughter- at 11, she is still a child and it is up to you as to whether she stays at someone's house.

Trust your instincts and don't allow yourself to feel pressured by this other girl.

Boomba Wed 10-Jul-13 10:21:06

Im now thinking that her ignoring you might be down to her abusive partner?

does seem a bit odd to withdraw the offer of a lift, which doesnt inconvenience her in any way, when you were so clearly and seriously poorly...

I think in your position I would knock on her door and speak to her (not in a confrontational way)....let her know you are grateful for the help and find out why she is blanking you. WHetehr I let my dd stay there would depend on how that conversation went.

I wouldnt let my children sleep over at a house where the mother wasnt speaking to me, and the other adult in the house is violent and abusive

outtolunchagain Wed 10-Jul-13 10:10:23

The OP said that the divorced parents were still living in the same house , I am afraid that I could not allow a dc of mine to knowingly stay in a house where there was possibly a DV problem. Plus it is fine if the mother did not like me but if they did not like my child and made that obvious then that would be a deal breaker. The OP is not stopping them being friends she has just said that she doesn't want her daughter to stay over at the others house.

Also if you read the OP 's update she says that at the point the other mother stopped giving her dd lifts she had recently come out of a coma and was in a wheelchair , so she could hardly have thought you were in a fit state to give a lift to both girls

TwoCrazyKids Wed 10-Jul-13 08:56:13

I think Yabu. If I was in that situation, when I recovered, I would have offered to take her dd to and from sport seeing as age did it for so long. She was passing your house but it may not have suited anymore. Maybe she wanted to go elsewhere after activity, maybe it was causing issues with an already stressful situation with her dh.

I'd call the mum to arrange the girls meeting.

ParsleyTheLioness Wed 10-Jul-13 08:42:13

Cory I don't think OP was making a judgement so much on the mother, but the situation that they are divorced, but living together, so maybe the situation could occurr again with her dd in the house(?)

xylem8 Wed 10-Jul-13 08:33:18

aaagh stupid phone 'sort things out'

xylem8 Wed 10-Jul-13 08:32:19

post things out

xylem8 Wed 10-Jul-13 08:31:34

i think you should try and post things out with the other mother

cory Wed 10-Jul-13 08:18:22

"Why on earth would you send CD to a woman's house that didn't like you ."

Because an 11yo is a person in her own right, with her own social life, not an extension of her mother.

I know perfectly well that dd's best friend's parents don't think much of me. But dd and her friend have been close since primary school and are now almost adults; their friendship does not depend on us.

As for whether the mother would call the OP if the dd is uncomfortable- surely the OP's dd could take a mobile and call herself if she wanted to go home? We are talking about an 11yo not a 4yo.

As for not sending the dd to the house because of claim that father had hit mother- didn't the OP say "when the parents were divorcing", implying that they are now divorced. So if your ex had hit you (and was now your ex), would that be a reson never to have another child stay with you? How does that one work? Are you damaged goods once you have been hit?

LilBlondePessimist Wed 10-Jul-13 06:00:40

Oh and I'm sorry, but as for speculation that the girls may be planning to run away together because they are tragically not being allowed to play together??!! Really? Honestly?? Ffs!!

YADNBU OP, carry on allowing P to come to yours, but don't go grovelling, and don't allow your daughter to sleep over somewhere you're not comfortable.

BoundandRebound Wed 10-Jul-13 05:57:51

Absolutely no way would I allow my child to sleep over in someone like that's house

Tell them they can sleepover at yours

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning Wed 10-Jul-13 05:54:35

Asking her to call is the right thing, I bet she doesn't know know she's been asking her to stay and won't call

LilBlondePessimist Wed 10-Jul-13 05:49:26

Yes, 'Terribly sorry I was in a coma P's mum, and couldn't reciprocate the lifts for a few weeks, can you ever find it in you to forgive me?' What a lot of old bollocks!!

xylem8 Wed 10-Jul-13 05:43:31

the problems all seem to stem fromyour text to p's mum saying she was wrong about the club being cancelled. Was this text really necessary? She had been doing you a big favour and texts can easily sound mch difference in tone to how you intended

McGeeDiNozzo Wed 10-Jul-13 03:56:34

Some replies on this thread are just weird. I'm talking about the ones saying "They're only kids, they should be able to go round to each other's houses regardless of whether the mums like each other or not".

The situation clearly, really, really clear-as-day clearly, isn't as simple as that - serious illness, domestic violence and divorce are involved - so why on earth grossly oversimplify it to that extent just to be harsh on the OP?

I really do get the feeling that some people on here are very selective about what facts from the original post they retain. If they feel like having a go, then that's it, they just pick something they don't like from the original post and then launch, no matter what other context is presented.

Thistledew Wed 10-Jul-13 00:51:26

I would want to know the real reason that she stopped giving your DD a lift. Maybe your DD played up and she didn't want to burden you with the issue at the time, but is now waiting for you to psychically work it out and offer her an apology.

If I were you I would invite the other mother for a coffee, thank her for the times that she did give your DD a lift, but say that you felt hurt that she seemed to find it too much trouble all of a sudden but didn't do you the courtesy of being honest. Ask her if there was anything (eg, your DD's behaviour) that you need to address. This gives her the chance to deal with whatever her beef is, if she holds a genuine grievance.

If she doesn't take the chance to clear the air, then you know she is determined to continue her childish behaviour and you can know you have done what you can to resolve it.

I agree though that I wouldn't let my DD sleep at the house in the situation as it stands. What if your DD has a problem and needs the mother to call you? Is she just going to ignore it?

Boomba Tue 09-Jul-13 23:25:02

my dc are yunger thugh--may fee different when they are 11?

Boomba Tue 09-Jul-13 23:24:02

i have empathy fr the chid

i wudnt trust the wman t take care f my chid in these circumstances thugh- my dcs have experienced their parents divrcing, and they are my pririty

thebody Tue 09-Jul-13 23:19:25

Always bloody tragic when mothers start getting so involved in their kids lives that they regress to the behaviour of the playground and 'blank' each other.

Would be funny except for the fact that there's an 11 year old here ( not ops dd) whose parents are splitting and whose dear friend is not allowed to do a normal pleasure like a sleepover.

She's so desperate she's trying to build bridges with the op herself.

Seriously can't posters see this? Empathy???

Poor kid.

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