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Children not invited to wedding - I'm not going either!

(198 Posts)
ruby1234 Mon 08-Jul-13 16:09:08

My DC have not been invited to our DNiece's wedding.

Background: DNiece is the DD of my DH sister.
We are not especially close, as DH is 10 years older than his DS and they did not grow up together. Our DC's from both sides are not friends as such, and have not seen each other for a few years.
DNiece is getting married at a small country manor house later in the year. There are only going to be 40 guests at the ceremony and wedding lunch, as this is the maximum amount of guests the wedding ceremony room can accommodate. There is an evening do afterwards with a band, disco and hog roast for 120 guests.
We knew the wedding date a long time in advance, and told DH'sis that we could only go to the daytime as we have a 30th birthday party to go to in the evening.
The invitations have arrived, and while me and DH are invited to the whole wedding including the evening, our DC's have only been invited to the evening - even though DH'sis knows none of us can go to the evening because of the other party.
My DH'mum says that due to only 40 guests being invited, once bridesmaids, parents, aunts, uncles and close friends have been invited there is not room for the 13 cousins (and partners) on both sides of the family, so the decision was taken not to invite any cousins to the day, just to the evening. (None of the cousins are close).
I have sent a no thanks reply for all of us for the whole wedding as I think that families should stick together at times like this, and that all of us should have been invited to the day, especially when they already knew we had other plans for the evening.
My DC are 28 and 22.

My DH'mum thinks we are being unreasonable to not go at all, and none of the other cousins or aunts/uncles seem to be miffed at the rebuff.

AIBU to say no?

Sorry, what do you mean by " stick together at times like this"?

It's a wedding not a war zone.

DeepRedBetty Mon 08-Jul-13 16:16:32

Yabu I'm afraid.

Your children plus the other cousins of the same level of relationship would have made up third of the daytime party max.

It's not their problem that you and your family who want to go to someone else's 30th that night, and you can choose.

QuintessentialOldDear Mon 08-Jul-13 16:17:01


You sound like a guestzilla. You have made it clear that somebody's annual event, a birthday party is more important than their wedding.

I think bride and groom sound perfectly reasonable in inviting you for lunch and you and your children for the hog roast evening do. It seems like a perfect wedding to me!

Or is this a stealth boast that you are invited to two events and chose to snub the wedding?

Eyesunderarock Mon 08-Jul-13 16:17:02

How odd.
You have the right to say no, as do your kiddiwinks, but I have the right to think that your response is odd. 28 and 22?
Do they have minds of their own yet?

DuelingFanjo Mon 08-Jul-13 16:17:23

YANBU to say no - you can say no to any invite you want but I think it's a bit weird for you to be so put out that two twenty somethings who don't really know the bride have not been invited.

BartyFottom Mon 08-Jul-13 16:17:31

Yeah, I reckon this is a reverse AIBU...

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 08-Jul-13 16:18:05

Oops, just seen the children are adults so sitters not an issue.

DeepRedBetty Mon 08-Jul-13 16:18:42

Sorry mystery who crept into that sentence.

Is this a reverse AIBU btw?

BatwingsAndButterflies Mon 08-Jul-13 16:18:52

YABU why should she have to include people she barely knows and push out ones she loves?

YANBU because you are doing her a favour by freeing up places for people who actually care about her.

Wallison Mon 08-Jul-13 16:19:00

Yabu. It's up to them who they invite and their reasons sound absolutely valid.

Also, aren't you being hypocritical with all of the 'families should stick together' crap (er, why, incidentally, are you under siege?) when you are quite happy to blow out a family wedding for a birthday party.

Lweji Mon 08-Jul-13 16:19:33

They are not your children.
They are your offspring. Adult.

Are you invited to their friends' weddings?


LittleMissGerardButlerfan Mon 08-Jul-13 16:20:13

YABU I wouldn't expect an invite to my cousins weddings as I have lots of them and with all the partners and kids it would cost them a fortune.

I thought you were going to say young children not adult children too.

hollyisalovelyname Mon 08-Jul-13 16:20:38

Yabvu. Weddings are v expensive. You and your dh are invited. No cousins have been invited. What is your problem????

x2boys Mon 08-Jul-13 16:21:17

when it was my cousins wedding my kids were not invited as we literally have no babysitters apart from my mum and dad [who were also going] i sent a polite a polite note saying we would nt be going due to lack of baby sitters in the end the kids were invited because I think a lot of people had done the same thing but I think my cousin and his wife have every right to invite who they wanted to their wedding some people just don't want children at weddings their wedding their choice yabu

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops Mon 08-Jul-13 16:21:30


woozlebear Mon 08-Jul-13 16:21:36

How very odd. YABU.

ReginaPhilangie Mon 08-Jul-13 16:21:49

Are you going to struggle to get childcare for your 28 and 22 year old then? is that the problem? hmm

LastTangoInDevonshire Mon 08-Jul-13 16:22:46

Have you gone into hiding, OP?

Turniptwirl Mon 08-Jul-13 16:23:18

Yabu it's not the couples fault that you have other plans, inviting your DC would cause issues if other cousins aren't invited and you said yourself they're not close

mylittlesunshine Mon 08-Jul-13 16:23:43

I have similar family set up to you and I am also getting married this year in a manor house with similar number restrictions and I have done what this couple have done... I know I've annoyed certain family members by only inviting them to the evening but there literally is no more space through the day and as I don't see some cousins for many years at a time we have chosen closer family members and friends to share our day with us.

Some of my family have refused to come because of this and that's fine with us, I hate when people think they are entitled to an invite just because they are related in some way especially when they pay no interest in you any other time.

If you don't want to go then that's your choice, but your children are adults and to be fair to the bride and groom they are probably spending a fortune on you and you won't even stay for the full wedding so you might be doing them a favour by not going!

ThisWayForCrazy Mon 08-Jul-13 16:23:46

I was kind of with you OP, until I read your children's ages. YABU

x2boys Mon 08-Jul-13 16:23:58

I didn't read your post properly my kids were four and one at the time not 22 and 28! yabvu

DameFanny Mon 08-Jul-13 16:25:26

grin at childcare problems

ParadiseChick Mon 08-Jul-13 16:25:49

Oh for goodness sake you are being totally unreasonable. There has to be a line somewhere and you can't expect the B&G to remember everyone's plans when sending out invites. You're invited to the whole thing, decline the part you can't make.

Or don't go at all. Job done.

LadyIsabellaWrotham Mon 08-Jul-13 16:26:44

Unless you missed out a spare "months old" from that post - YABVU.

Two of my cousins married recently. Both of them invited my parents to the wedding itself but DB and I (and spouses) were only invited to the evening do. I thought it was perfectly reasonable. In both cases by the way the cousins had come to my wedding - because at the time they were children - attending as appendages of their parents rather than in their own right.

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