Would I be unreasonable to charge my student daughter rent?(54 Posts)
She thinks it's unreasonable and is throwing major strops over it.
We're in Sweden so she gets a student grant and can top this up with a student loan. Tuition is free. She is entitled to a student flat from the local council. These are really nice flats and the rent includes all bills, even internet. She however wants to live at home and commute each day to save money. By 'save money' she means live at home free of charge, eat all our food, use mum's free taxi service etc so that all her student support can be used as spending money to go and visit friends abroad.
So AIBU to charge her rent? And if not, how much is appropriate? I was thinking £200 per month as rent on a student flat is £300 per month and doesn't include food. (I
hope suspect that if she has to pay her way she'll be off like a shot)
I completely think YABU.
Also the friends I have who had to do this ended up resenting their parents and having much poorer relationships with them on the whole.
Wow kids these days expect to live for nothing, charge her rent and put her in charge of a single bill too, like the Internet for instance.
Dd has just finished her degree and next year she will be doing a PGCE at a local uni. She will be getting a loan and a grant which is less than she got while away from home but her expenses will be less so she will be giving us a quarter of her money as keep as we will have the expense of feeding her over the next year.
When she gets a job she will give us a quarter of her take home pay which is what her older brothers did.
She is an adult and should be contributing something to the running of the household. YANBU
Just read your other posts op, yanbu at all. She is a grown adult who has to learn how to respect you, your dh and home, an no treat it lik a free hotel and taxi service! Tough love!
Surely it isnt a change in attitude towards your children but more that you shouldnt need to be responsible for them either financially or practically. You spend 18 odd years bringing them up with all that that entails and hopefully readied them for the outside world.
I suppose FT education is a bit different and I dont know the Swedish system but if the DD is getting a decent grant then why should she expect to pocket that at 20yo and then be funded by her parents.
When my time comes for these kinds of decisions a huge influencing factor on my goodwill will be how helpful and pleasant around the house my DC are. From the description in her second post I would be asking the DD to leave fullstop. I dont see why a child who doesnt contribute in any way and who is indeed hard work should remain in the family home as long as they wish based on the fact they are a child.
OP YANBU but in your place I would say to your DD the time has come for her to leave home
YABU but ultimately the choice is yours. She is likely to be feeling second best given her mum wants her to move out after having a new baby with a different partner.
I never get the change in attitude towards children once they turn 18. Whilst we want them to be independant mature adults the family home should remaim their family home for as long as they want it. I personally disagree with charging rent when not in work but education.
She does need to pull her weight chores wise though. Write a list of all the jobs oncluding cooking and ask everyone to put their name down for 7 things.
I would work out the cost of house bills, food and charge her a percentage of the total. Maybe 200 a month. I would secretly save the money though and give it to her as a lump sum when she needs something major like furniture or a car.
My parents did not charge me while I was a student and that was in the days when tuition was free and you got grants. Would you really want her to get a student loan just so she can pay you rent? They did charge me when I left full time education. Could you not agree that she saves something while she is living at home like driving lessons like another poster suggested?
Reading the first post, I thought that asking for a contribution is fine but I'm not a fan of "you must pay me £x to stay here". I was never charged rent, but I moved out when I went to uni, self-financed, and only stayed back at home about 3 times for the first few holidays. By 3rd year I was well and truly gone. Before that (ie 16-18yo) I paid for my all of my own things and bought food - the only thing I didn't pay for was actual rent or household bills. So, if your DD was like that you probably wouldn't feel quite as you do right now.
Your second post is a whole other story, as well as the fact that you're in Sweden and she receives much more support than is available here. Perhaps there are emotional issues that are causing her behaviour, conflict over family changes... the only way to address that is through approaching the subject with her directly.
The material details of your situation remain the same however, so I think that instead of "AIBU to charge my daughter rent?", the question should be:
AIBU to ask my daughter to either, A) leave now that she's an adult, has the financial means to do so, is disrespectful, and is causing extra stress and work for me, my partner and our new baby, or B) become our housekeeper so as to earn her room and board, keep our household in order, and treat us with at least the respect she would an employer? To which the answer to either is, of course, YADNBU.
And - congratulations and enjoy the lovely baby-ness
I'm a mature student and I'm astounded at some of my younger, fellow students' attitude to money.
Whilst I take in a packed lunch and flask they are off to Costa Coffee for lunch. Whilst I leave lectures to work part-time they head off to the Union for a few drinks all funded by loans and parents.
It's really not healthy to have such a cavalier attitude to money. By not asking her to chip in and pay her way you are almost condoning this at best, naïve attitude to money.
I think charging her something is reasonable. It's a good way for her to learn that life is not free and take some responsibility for herself while still being supported (financially or otherwise) by you until she's ready to take the next step to independence.
But if you can afford to subsidise her you could always put the money she pays in rent (all of it or just some of it) aside for her without telling her, so that later on when she needs a deposit for her own home or something she will have a head start on her savings and you can surprise her with it.
She may actually be more grateful for it by then as well.
But if you do let her stay, she needs a sharp change in her attitude as well because at the moment she sounds awful. If paying rent and pulling her weight in the house are what it takes for you to let her stay, make that clear to her.
Hi Westie. I didn't pay rent to my parents when I was a student and I moved out at 24 into a hard-worked-for career. However, I chipped in with buying some groceries (had saturday job), cleaned up after myself, took my turn in cooking for the family, sorted my own laundry/ironing etc. As an adult now, my mum is my best friend. I don't think your daughter is playing the game, and so I think charging rent would be a good grounding and a realistic welcome into adulthood. If you'd really rather she moved on, you would not be unreasonable to match Uni halls fees, after all she'll still have meals, internet etc at home. Throwing major strops? - she doesn't have to accept your terms! If she calls your bluff and accepts to stay and pay, I think others ideas of putting that money aside for her is a good call (but not necessary if you need it to cover the costs of her staying).
Wh not just tell her to move out if that's what you want?
Living at home would still be a better deal for her and you may still end up lumbered with her. So although you may be a few hundred quid a month better off, you'd be stuck in the same situation.
There's nothing unreasonable about wanting your adult daughter to move out, especially when she has a convenient and affordable alternative.
I'd be encouraging her to move out. University is nothing if you live at home. Living in uni accommodation is a good 70% of the uni experience.
I have two degrees, first in uni accommodation, second living at home at the grand old age of 21. Living away from mum and dad was HEAPS better.
DD works and will be doing OU from October. Decided not to go to university because she got lucky with an excellent job after her a levels and didn't want to lose it. I don't ask for money from her because she is making sure she has the money to move out once her study is completed. I also am not struggling, so am happy to sub her for a bit. She buys her own food and cooks most nights though for both of us. She never asks for lifts or is rude either.
In your case, it sounds like you do need to charge something or you're going to end up with a DD who will never take responsibility.
having seen your most recent post, she sounds like a right madam and you should definitely charge her the going rate and set down ground rules of manners, consideration for otehrs and taking her share in chores that you would expect of any other lodger.
if she doesn't like it she can go elsewhere.
I think she should be told that unless she is respectful to everyone in the house she should live on her own where she might learn some manners.
YANBU in fact by letting her freeload, you would be doing her a disservice. She needs to learn about the real costs involved in everything and how to budget/save/prioritise her spending. Too many kids don't get this basic grounding and then end up in all sorts of silly debt when they have to face the reality of paying their own way,because they have been so used to having all their money to spend as they please.
My friends (working) DD used to moan about being asked for £30 a week board - then she moved into her own flat and had no idea about the cost of things like bills and laundry detergent - all her money had previously been spent frivolously on nights out and clothes/make up/CDs
her parents still bail her out from time to time which I think is foolish of them - I am not talkng about helping her with essentials, but just buying her whatever she wants or needs. where is the pride in saving up from your pay packet to buy something you really want? and why is noone happy with second hand bits and pieces for their first flat any more?
OP - your DD needs to be financially astute and independent. It is enough that you are willing to keep her at home as an adult who will no doubt treat you as a convenince and expect to be waited on! She should not expect this for free!
YANBU. Yes you should and start now. My DN is still living with her Dad, rent free at 32yo. She earns c£18/20k pa. whenever he mentions rent/board she throws a strop cos she can't possibly save for a deposit if she is paying yet 14 years of work and she has CC bills and NO savings.
She can't expect to live life for free, and I think it's a valuable life lesson.
If she isn't helping out and the house is better without her, then work out at least how much it actually costs you to keep her, including food, splitting the cost of internet, etc. That is the minimum she has to pay.
If you really want to push her to move on, then add something for the actual rent, which could be the cost that you would charge a loger.
She should contribute towards the running costs of the household - at the very least the amount that it costs you to have her live there (extra food/water/electric/gas).
She should also do a fair share of household chores.
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