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To cancel my wedding and elope instead? Sorry - bit waffly.

(22 Posts)
NewMumFeelGlum Mon 08-Jul-13 09:52:26

Back story: I have been quite poorly the last month with gall stone/ pancreas problems, and juggling that with a 6 month baby has been really hard going. My family are pretty useless at the best of times but I guess I have really noticed it lately because I could really have used some support. My sister only lives 3 miles away but hasn't visited for months. She knows how ill I have been sad She sends the odd 'Hope you feel better soon' text and thats about it. My mum has always been self absorbed...but didn't even call me to see how a scan went last week.

Why am I surprised? Its always been like this. I have tried to accept that thats just how they are, I have always been the one that phones/visits etc and generally keeps the relationships ticking along. Perhaps I thought it would change now its not so easy for me with a new DS. (And gall stones!)

Anyhow....for what ever the reason, I am currently really feeling hurt at their inability to be there at all for me. The point is - me and DP are getting married in September. Its turning into a bit of a nightmare since I don't even know well I will be then. I also just don't have the energy to be organising stuff at the mo so everything has slipped this last month. And to be frank, I suddenly feel why the hell should I invite my family to a reception I have spent a lot of money on so they can stuff their faces and then go back to pretending I dont exist? Im feeling pretty bloody fed up with them.

So, my question is, how bad mannered would it be to use my health issues as a reason to cancel the wedding, revoke reception invites, and bugger off with DP and DS and have a small ceremony with just us at some other point?

Or am I just tired, poorly and fed up and in need of perspective?

YouTheCat Mon 08-Jul-13 09:55:57

I think that sounds fair.

If it is possible to cancel, do it. Have a lovely small ceremony and then, when you feel better, you could always throw a party for family and friends if you and your new husband want to.

What are his views on it?

QuintessentialOldDear Mon 08-Jul-13 09:58:45

I think it is fair. In your shoes I would cancel.

Sorry sad - it seems a crap situation. I would not want a big celebration for people who appears not to give a toss.

WhatWouldBeyonceDo Mon 08-Jul-13 09:58:52

How about, cancel it and see how you feel in a few months, if you've changed your mind, say the weddings back on a re arrange it for another date. Or run off an do it on the sly.

NewMumFeelGlum Mon 08-Jul-13 09:59:05

DP would happily strangle my family one by one! But I guess he would like his family to be there. So not that straight forward really.

QuintessentialOldDear Mon 08-Jul-13 10:00:48

Can you elope and do a party for people who are supportive, like your dps?

FriedSprout Mon 08-Jul-13 10:01:43

Sounds to me like you are not very good at putting yourself first.
Re-visit the reasons why you are getting married, and you may find that actually it is because you love your dp, he loves you and you want to commit to each other. This does not need to involve anyone other than the two of you, should not turn into a nightmare of organisation and people pleasing, and most importantly should not be stressing you out this much.
It should be enjoyable for the two people concerned, end of.
Have a lovely, relaxing, love-filled day flowers

Branleuse Mon 08-Jul-13 10:03:49

I think that sounds far better

NewMumFeelGlum Mon 08-Jul-13 10:08:26

Thanks, everyone smile Think you have focused my mind. Time for a chat with DP!

Have to feed DS now, he is building up to a yowl! Will pop back in a bit.

formicadinosaur Mon 08-Jul-13 10:12:20

Cancel and just say that you don't know if you will be well enough and are too poorly to organise anything. You plan to review things post op.

formicadinosaur Mon 08-Jul-13 10:13:45

Slowly plan an elopement and book it after op

tobiasfunke Mon 08-Jul-13 10:13:53

Do it. Go enjoy yourselves. If you knock yourself out doing the wedding they will only let you down somehow.
DH and I have a family who are meant to be close but who rarely help even when we are stretched so I understand. Stop trying to please them.
Get well soon.
I had gall stones they are horrible. I had them removed, the op was easy and I have never had any problems since.

newestbridearound Mon 08-Jul-13 10:14:05

I can completely understand where you are coming from, so I think what you are proposing is very fair. I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly sad Being ill for a long period of time is difficult, especially when you feel that the people around you don't grasp it or don't seem to care.

I have M.E and got married very recently; part of me always wanted to elope since I was worried how my health would hold up with a big wedding. My family and my in laws really wanted that though, so I gave in and as a result my health has completely collapsed. A large part of me wishes that I'd just stuck to my guns and insisted on something smaller (although it was a beautiful day and I don't regret the marriage part in the slightest).

Only you know how you are feeling at the moment, but if you really just need to rest and recuperate then please don't feel that you have to explain yourself to everyone else. At the end of the day it's about what you and your DP want- if you don't think you have the energy to go through with all the organisation then eloping is definitely a better option. Hopefully people will be sympathetic and compassionate. Or alternatively as was previously suggested you could always postpone it, as I'm sure feeling ill and upset is having an impact on your thinking. Maybe a few months down the line you'll change your mind, hopefully when you are a bit better.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Basketofchocolate Mon 08-Jul-13 10:18:28

I too have a crap family. We were living away from where most of them are based when we decided to get married. Just did it, the two of us. Two witnesses rustled up in the morning. Was fab! Got myself a dress will never have cause to wear again but wasn't a wedding dress, just a very nice one from posh high street store.

Anyway, the day was far from perfect as far as weather was concerned and we had to cancel our posh meal out but other than that, I felt so relaxed and free that no one was judging or that I was trying to please members of my family who just don't really care any other day.

Was liberating. We spent the money on two nights in a posh hotel, etc. and had a whale of a time the weekend.

ONE RECOMMENDATION: we booked a photography studio for after the ceremony. The guy even came to pick us up from registry office. It gave us something to do after the stun of marrying smile and felt more of an 'event'. He took some lovely, very traditional photos which are great for us to have a good reminder and nice pics of us looking our best smile We thought to do it as otherwise family would be cross and want some pics. Silly me! Of course they didn't! Am really glad we did though as I have some proper pics of us and something to show DC of when Mummy and Daddy got married since there's not much else to show for it (e.g. family memories).

I don't think you'll regret doing the marrying part away from family. You can always do a party after which will be cheaper and less pressure for you as a lot less expectation then.

Big hugs and congratulations!

2rebecca Mon 08-Jul-13 10:20:50

It's sad your family haven't seemed caring but have you told them how much discomort you are in? Have you invited your sister round or asked her to meet up?
You don't normally get scan results for a week or 2 so if you only had the scan last week i'm surprised you know the result already. I wouldn't be phoning relatives for the results of ultrasounds they had under a week ago. They maybe don't want to be intrusive and think you will phone them if there is any update.
I hate asking other people (apart from my dad) about their health and do expect them to update me. I feel very nosy asking for personal details of tests. I would hate to have people ask me for details of tests i am having done.
I agree that if they know you aren't feeling well they could be in touch more.
A wedding should be mainly for you and your boyfriend though. i wouldn't organise a big wedding just to suit other people. If you don't want a big wedding don't have one.

NewMumFeelGlum Mon 08-Jul-13 11:19:20

Yes I have told them 2rebecca. Have repeatedly invited sister over, and have said Im not driving at the mo (I can get sudden quite severe pain and don't want to be in a car with DS when it happens.) A couple of weeks ago we made 3 separate dates when she said she would pop over. Each one she just didnt show up with no call etc. She admited she just forgot the first 2. With vague apology. I texted her after the 3rd no show and she said she felt poorly, could she leave it, but hadn't let me know in advance and I suspect in fact she had forgotten or couldnt be arsed again. I haven't heard a thing from her since.

No, you are right, I dont have any results, but they dont know that! Plus personally I would call someone after a scan or similar just to say 'You ok, everything go allright?' etc. But then as I need to keep reminding myself, people deal with things differently.

2rebecca Mon 08-Jul-13 12:14:46

What would go wrong with the actual scan? They rub a bit of gel over you or if an MRI you lie still for a while. Ii don't see the having a scan in itself as a big deal and wouldn't phone someone to see if they are OK afterwards as why would they not be OK? Different if it's an invasive procedure like an angiogram. If a frail elderly relative i'd check they didn't need help getting there but for a younger relative I don't see why you thought that you might not be OK after a scan. We don't phone each other immediately after having ultrasounds and MRIs, we often don't tell each other we're having them and just discuss the results later (if we want to share those).
If your sister says she felt unwell when she cancelled your last meeting then her health may be as bad as yours and you haven't phoned to see how she is.
She sounds rude just not turning up to the first 2 appointments though.

NewMumFeelGlum Mon 08-Jul-13 15:05:45

Some people find things like scans scary actually 2rebecca, thats why personally I check on them after. Its really not a problem if you and yours dont.

Not sure where you get the idea I didn't phone my sister after she said she was poorly, yes I did actually. She was having a bad PMT day apparently.

Also not sure why you seem a bit arsey in your replies, but hey, its hot today, I for one am definitely grumpy.

eurozammo Mon 08-Jul-13 15:11:59

Your sister letting you down is rubbish, but like 2rebecca, I wouldn't expect a call after a scan (which is good as I have had 10 so far this year!). I would call someone who had had an op though.

AgathaF Mon 08-Jul-13 15:16:26

Have the wedding that you both really want. If that means eloping, then do it. It's you two getting married, not your extended families, so do what you will enjoy and feel comfortable with.

We just had two people at our wedding. I really wouldn't have wanted a big affair and loads of attention, particularly from people who I knew didn't really have our best interests at heart. No regrets.

2rebecca Mon 08-Jul-13 15:28:05

You said that you hadn't heard a thing from your sister after she cancelled and said she was poorly, that's why I didn't think you'd been in touch with her. If you have phoned her since then you have heard from her since she cancelled.
I'm not being arsey, some of the things you're getting upset about are things that wouldn't upset me and maybe wouldn't upset your sister either so she isn't necessarily being unkind not phoning about a scan, to her it's maybe not a big deal.

woozlebear Mon 08-Jul-13 15:36:08

Do it. It's about the two of you, not anyone else, and especially not people who aren't supportive. I wish I'd had the guts to do this. We were planning to, but when I told parents (who had spent months ranting and raving and begging me not to marry DH for entirely mental reasons) they immediately got all weepy and huffy and said they wanted to be there. Fast forward and suddenly wedding was totally taken over by family who hadn't even wanted it to happen in first place. Still regret it.

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