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about my Boyfriends birthday & his mum

(203 Posts)
crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Sun 07-Jul-13 22:48:30

First AIBU but I really need to know if I am .

Its my Bfs birthday on Tuesday , he has just told me he is going for a meal with his mum & family Tuesday evening so will be busy from 4 - 8 .
I have not been invited despite us been together for 3 years (we don't live together) .
He is working Tuesday morning until 1pm & i have appointments Tuesday from 1-4 (several appointments) .
He says it is not fair that i can't see him on his birthday & expects me to palm my Ds off on my Dm on a school night so i can take him out hmm I have told him i won't do this as Ds comes first & i told him to ask his mum to make it later or for the day after & he can't as she will be upset (huge case of pfb) .
I thought i was his family but apparently not confused as he does everything his mum says even if it means cancelling our plans angry

Am I been unreasonable to think that after 3 years he would see me as his family as well as his mum & sometimes put our relationship first or should I just suck it up

Fedupnagging Mon 08-Jul-13 00:07:52

A 30yr old asking his Mum if his girlfriend of 3yrs can go out with them on his birthday? In answer to your original post, yadnbu.

After 3 years, I think that you should be a little higher in the pecking order/thought process. Guess you have to decide what you want to do about it, if anything.

Lots of advice here, but the decision is yours.

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 00:15:10

MrsMook your right I don't want to be in the same position in 5 years or even 1 .

Thanks everybody , I thought I was imagining things .
I will definitely ltb as me & Ds deserve much better thanks

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 08-Jul-13 00:17:39

Get out OP. This situation sounds unhealthy for everyone involved. Especially your DS.

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 00:18:08

Good on you crazy, you deserve much better, a man who loves and respects you, no one who has to ask his mummy if you can attend his 3 30 birthday party and hi drops pnswithyou if. Is needed by mummy

2rebecca Mon 08-Jul-13 00:19:44

Another LTB response, and agree that there is no reason for you to feel guilty. If he doesn't care enough about you and your child to invite you both to celebrate his birthday then "I can't live without you" protestations are just laughable.
After 3 years together his 40th birthday should have been something you planned together, not him and his mum.

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 00:20:16

Drops plans with you I meant

HaveIGotPoosForYou Mon 08-Jul-13 00:35:28

I agree - the relationship isn't salvageable IMO.

missingmumxox Mon 08-Jul-13 00:38:26

Dump him, I say this in full confidence that I bloody hope I can still have a cuddle with my Ds's when they are 30, without being labelled weird, and also hope that if I hated the chosen partner of my child, that I would invite them to everything even if they seemed to make my child happy or unhappy.
On the suicide thing, you are not responsible for them, I had a boyfriend do this to me midway through me dumping him, we where out and eating a meal, I said okay then, lets call this your last supper! he has gone on to marry a wonderful lady he met in Thailand when he worked there, has 2 amazing daughters and I was counselling a male friend through leaving a girlfriend who said the same, he phoned me before his holiday with his brother, to say she was away for 2 weeks for work and he was on holiday he would tell her when he got back.
Unfortunately he was killed on holiday before he got round to it, she killed herself a month after his death, nothing he could do, he was dead, so therefore you have to do what you need to do and get on with your life as in you don't know what is round the corner for you, in a majority of cases these threats are empty and used to control you, it is only the odd rare case as in my friends that the person actually carries it out.

I do hope the above story make sense as in it seems to say Oh if you dump him he could kill himself, but if you where to die, do you really think he would do this? from your story I doubt it.

Jux Mon 08-Jul-13 01:57:22

It's odd that he's the one complaining about not being able to see you on his birthday and expecting you to dump ds so he can, when all he has to do is take you to the meal. That way he'll get his wish. But he won't will he?

Glad you're thinking of dumping him. I think you will be happier with someone who does see you as family after 3 years, doesn't have to ask permission to take you to family things, and includes ds in everything because you and ds come as a package.

There is someone out there for you, who will treat you with love and respect, and your son. You won't meet him if you hang on to Mummy's Boy.

Rulesgirl Mon 08-Jul-13 02:09:03

Are you living together? Sorry havnt read the entire thread properly but was just wondering if maybe his family are the ones who don't want you there. Do they not like you.....maybe????confused

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 07:27:52

Nope not living together

WhatWouldBeyonceDo Mon 08-Jul-13 07:39:40

He's 30 shock

LTB- this will never change.

ENormaSnob Mon 08-Jul-13 08:25:19

Eww are you having sex with this manchild?

A hug between mother and son is a whole different ballgame to snuggles lying on the sofa. Thats just weird as fuck.

TheCatIsUpTheDuff Mon 08-Jul-13 08:35:12

DH, his parents and brother do an acitivity for each of their birthdays, partners not invited. I see it as a family quirk, and don't have a problem with it because PILs make SIL and me very welcome the rest of the time - we're usually invited for dinner before they go and do the activity.

They're very close in what seems a healthy way, no weird cuddles on the sofa, so I don't mind some "bonding" time that gives me reading-a-book-in-peace time. I wouldn't be happy with your BF's set-up from what you've said, it sounds like apron strings need to be cut.

Samu2 Mon 08-Jul-13 08:50:02

Mummy's boy to the extent they cuddle on the sofa? instant dealbreaker for me.

A hug? sure that is normal.. a cuddle on the sofa? imo that is just fucking weird and I would be seriously turned off if my husband did that hmm

This relationship is going nowhere is it?

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo Mon 08-Jul-13 09:03:33

Nah it really isn't at all .

Glad im not the only one that finds the cuddles on the sofa weird <I cringe just saying it>

Man child grin

shewhowines Mon 08-Jul-13 09:12:10

If it was just parents, I could just about understand it, but for the whole family to be there. I couldn't get past the fact that he was ok about it and will only ask his mum because you have asked him to.

It does sound as if you know what you have to do. I wouldn't LTB for this one off but you do need to think how he is with you generally. Some serious, serious talking is in order for this relationship to be able to move on. It does look like it is make or break time.

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 09:21:00

The catisuptheduff, its his birthday and he should invite who he wants, not have to ask his mummy permission, unless he does not want op there! There are other red flags too, like dropping plans with op for mummy. Then he sulks when dd puts her CHILDREN (yes Chidren under 18) before him and insists she cancel plans with her Chidren for his birthday, and tells op to take him out shock, the cheek. Sorry this is not an equal relationship, he sounds like he does not respect or love you. Mummy will always be number 1

pigletmania Mon 08-Jul-13 09:22:07

For that op your wasting time with this boy

pianodoodle Mon 08-Jul-13 09:34:13

Agree with all he sounds like a brat.

Especially "expecting" you will take him out afterwards, and more especially having to ask his mum why you're not invited.

Burmobasher Mon 08-Jul-13 10:26:23

FWIW, I think ending it is the right thing to do. I think it's really mean not to invite you and your ds to the meal and sends out a very clear message. The thought of you staying with him makes me sad and I am sure you and your ds deserve better.
And yes, the cuddles thing is icky

LaRegina Mon 08-Jul-13 10:31:04

Ew OP how can you ever possibly have rude thoughts about a grown man who still has cuddles on the sofa with his mum? shock

Dump this little boy and find yourself a maaan smile

gotthemoononastick Mon 08-Jul-13 11:03:05

He is wasting your time and I bet his family class you as "having baggage",because you already have a child.This is not uncommon,believe me and it never ends well.

2rebecca Mon 08-Jul-13 11:15:46

The cuddles thing doesn't bother me. I still cuddle my 16 year old (when he'll let me). Depends on how long the cuddle lasts and how often I suppose. A couple of minutes every week or so is fine. Cuddling for hours frequently is strange. Most men just wouldn't want that. Was he lying on the sofa having a cuddle? Were they intertwined? That is odd as an adult unless you are consoling them. I think my 16 year old would think me odd if I wanted to lie next to him/ on top of him and cuddle him. it wouldn't happen.
Sittling next to each other and having a quick hug is fine.

cantspel Mon 08-Jul-13 11:20:41

He doesn't see you as his life time partner if after 3 years you are not living together, engaged or have some firm plan for future cohabitation .

Cut your losses and move on.

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