To have had enough of MIL's behaviour?(33 Posts)
Was at MIL's yesterday, having a BBQ party for DH's bday. We have DS1 who is 5 & DS2 who is 9 weeks, and the plan was for us to stay in the spare room.
Gets to 11:30 & I decide to head up to bed with DS2, so say goodnight to all. Manage to get the baby off to sleep and just drifting off myself when I hear MIL in the living room (directly below the bedroom I was in) shouting about not liking the music in he garden. Then the stereo comes blaring on at full volume, making DS2 jump almost out of his skin & start howling. I get up & dress, then go to find DH to say that I thought it would be better for me & DS2 to head home as would be easier to sleep there. I wasn't angry or shouting at him, just weary as DS2 isn't sleeping though & I felt like I'd been up forever!
DH was really annoyed to hear what MIL had done, so they has an argument. This is nothing new, they always seem to argue after they have both been drinking, so being the only sober person I stayed out of it, though I wasn't impressed with them shouting & swearing in front of DS1.
I got the car seat out of DH's car (I don't drive so had phoned my dad to ask if he could give me a lift home) and as I came back into the garden could hear MIL ranting about it being her house & she can do what she wants, then she moved on to slagging me off & making out she never gets to see the DS's like my parents do. Obviously she was conveniently forgetting that my parents make the effort to come & see their grandsons, whereas despite us both telling her she was welcome to come over any time she won't. She's not elderly or infirm, just wants everything on her terms. This was only 2nd time she'd seen DS2 since he was born & she barely showed any interest in him.
She then switched from the woe is me talk to saying she didn't care anyway. The person she was complaining too said not to be daft & of course she cared about DS1 to which she replied no, she didn't care about him! Thankfully he wasn't nearby when she said this, or he'd have been heartbroken. I decided to take him home with me too. I know she was drunk, but I see no reason why she should say that, IMO it's unforgiveable.
I've said to DH that I don't feel I can trust her anymore, and want nothing more to do with her. Am still really fucked off now - AIBU?
Sorry it's so long & apologies if spelling is dodgy I'm on my phone.
I feel for you, I do. I have a dragon for a MIL, who since the day of my wedding and the birth of my two children has done everything in her power to get one over on me. She is purely attention seeking, and I suspect this is what your MIL is doing, after all, people will be talking about you and your new baby and she's probably feeling left out. I agree that I would give her a wide berth for a while, and yes do tell her you won't tolerate this behaviour. Oh and do tell your husband what she said, because over the years I haven't told mine nasty things my MIL has said about me and my children, and it's only in the last few years he's seen what she's really like.
Yanbu, my fil said something just as hateful to all 4 of my dc, regardless to say we are now nc due to his constant blow-ups!
although I suspect MIL would have kicked off about something
If she can't be trusted to behave then you have every right to refuse to be around her until she does.
Nothing wring with showing her there are consequences to her behaviour.
And people who constantly make drama are silly and tiring and terrible role models for your little ones
Enjoy the freedom!
YANBU! She sounds like my own mother, except she doesn't drink and never has people round! But how awful of MIL to say that about your DS1.
I agree that your family deserves better. At least your parents are a source of support!
Imademarion - yes I plan to take my driving test as soon as I can leave DS2 for long enough! it would have been a lot easier if I could have just driven myself & DS's home a bit earlier in the evening, although I suspect MIL would have kicked off about something else so there still would have been drama!
2Rebecca - we had a venue lined up originally for the party that fell through a couple of weeks ago & had no luck finding anywhere else. she suggested the BBQ at hers as her garden is about 4 times the size of ours & she saw it as her present to him. A meal/night out would be what we normally do, but as it was his 40th he'd invited a lot more people.
I'd be thinking two hours in the park every other week, take it or leave it.
Why have his birthday party at his mother's anyway? It seems odd to invite your adult friends round to your mother's house for a party, I'd rather just go out for dinner if your garden isn't suitable. I'd feel in "child" mode if my parents were entertaining which is inappropriate for a 40th birthday, especially if he isn't that close to his mum anyway and knows she's embarrassing when drunk.
It's just a shame, as DH's dad isn't in our lives either, he didn't turn up to our wedding last year, no contact since so we've given up on him completely. He only met DS1 once though, so was no big loss from his life!
I'm thinking maybe a break from her for a bit (not that it will seem any different from usual, it can easily be a couple of months without her seeing us anyway) will be good & then DH could take DS1 for a visit once things calm down, assuming she's willing to apologise. I don't think I'll be happy letting her see him alone though.
Was difficult trying to explain to DS1 this morning why we left when he had been expecting to stay.
She sounds awful, well done getting the DCs out of such a horrible situation.
I would be tempted to text her directly, but politely, and say that, for the foreseeable future, you won't be bringing the children round to her house when she is drinking as she may say or do something you don't want the children exposed to.
If you're not there, then neither of you need worry about the consequences of her actions.
Then you have set your boundaries and no longer need to worry about bring stranded with drunken idiots.
Spend the time you save learning to drive!
Good to hear you and DH are on the same page. That's half the battle won to be honest! If he was blind to how nasty she can be it would be a lot worse. It doesnt sound as though he will feel you are making him choose, she has behaved appallingly and he can see that.
Yes, that's the thing, if she had just said sorry & that she'd forgotten we were upstairs or something I'd have been fine, but she immediately tries to pass the blame.
I can't see any way around this though, she's going to have to be told that her behaviour was awful. I really don't care what she thinks/says about me, I just don't want DH to feel as though he's choosing between us. I'm pretty confident that he won't let her talk her way out of it though.
When i say its not too bad as it is.... i mean that this scenario is unlikely to occur again as it was special occasion and she generally doesnt make the effort to visit.
Yanbu she doesnt sound like someone id want involved in my dd's life. You say she has showed little interest in dc2 since he was born so i wouldnt stop her from seeing the dcs. She seems the kind of person who would start a war if you dared to do anything she didnt like. Its not too bad as it is so i wouldnt make life more difficult.
I would directly ask why she would say she doesnt care about dc1 though. Clearly your dh will broach the subject but you have every right to as well. Of course she'll use the 'i was drunk' excuse but it would be great to see her squirm.
Any normal gran would apologise for unthinkingly putting music on loud and ask how she could help kids go back to sleep.
Your children deserve better than her! They don't deserve to be in that type of environment. What sort of a grandmother encourages that kind of behaviour anyway? She sounds like someone I'd keep my teenagers away from that's for sure. YANBU, she sounds like a nightmare.
Let her call you evil, it doesn't matter if you don't see her to hear it.
DH didn't hear what she said last night, and I decided not to tell him as I wanted him to enjoy the rest of his night with his friends. I didn't see the sense in making a huge scene, which she no doubt would have loved.
I've spoken about it today to with him & he went very quiet, he says he will go & see her tomorrow as she's not home right now. I know he's not happy about it either, and I feel sad for him too as the BBQ party was for his 40th bday and I really wanted him to enjoy it. (That's why DS1 was allowed to stay up late, it was a special occasion & I wasn't drinking)
I think she has some issues with booze, at our wedding last year she got drunk early on & was dragging his friends up to dance & grinding into them - just a bit inappropriate!
I just know ill get the blame of being an evil DIL if I stop her seeing them, but I'm getting to the stage that I just don't care! Probably doesn't help that I've not had a proper nights sleep for weeks & am very hormonal!
Oh I thought he was still up as it said "though I wasn't impressed with them shouting & swearing in front of DS1." and " Thankfully he wasn't nearby when she said this, or he'd have been heartbroken"
I presumed he was in bed already and baby only late to bed because he'd woken for a late night feed.
There was recently a thread about how drink makes us more like who we already are.
You've now seen her true colours. Ignore her and keep your kids away from her.
YANBU and it sounds like your 5 year old needed to be in bed too rather than being up past midnight listening to drunk people shouting.
YANBU. I would say to your husband that she can only see the kids if she comes to yours and is sober. Sounds like that way she will not bother.
I hope your husband came with you, I'd be very disappointed with him if he stayed and "partied" rather than show solidarity and leave
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