To not let this person drive my car.(149 Posts)
Will be quick as need quick answers please.
We are away camping. My dc, me and a friend. The friend is in their 30's, they had their licence removed for drink driving years ago and even though that is spent they've never renewed it. So no license, no insurance. I went for a shower, it's about a km away. When I got back the friend asked to take my car to the showers. I said no but would give them a lift. They got into a temper, said its private land (it is) so they are therefore allowed to drive on here. I still said no but again offered a lift.
They stormed off making a crack about the shower gel I had borrowed off them earlier . When they returned they wouldn't look at or speak to me properly. I said if this continued I would pack up and go home as i know of old how long they can keep up a sulk. They was a short argument and then they took their stuff and left. So now I am on my own with two DC with ASD, who want to stay.
I've called and tried to make peace but they won't answer and won't reply to my messages.
So what'd the consensus please?
Yeah, give him a wide berth. Find someone who respects you. Respect and trust yourself though. Your instincts were correct. Don't doubt yourself, now or in the future.
All he's done this weekend is to remind you why you should still be apart. Don't put yourself back 5 years by getting involved again.
Apparently he walked two hours to the nearest train station and got a train back. We were only camping about two hours away from our home town.
can I ask how he left to go home, did you drop him back or did he get a lift?
So he has 2 children with ASD, but has never bothered to renew his licence. Nice.
Sparkly, you don't have to be on your best behaviour 24 hours a day to expect a grown-up to behave better than this. Do not blame yourself. In this instance it is quite clear cut and there is no way that he has behaved any way other than pathetically. However victim blaming is one of the tricks of the trade of the bona fide tool. (Again, see Saatchi).
Hi Sparkly, he's definitely gaslighting you, and I think your comment that his last offer of help stemmed merely from the fact that being the kind of person who would leave a woman & 2 kids in the middle of nowhere because things didn't go his way, doesn't fit in with his self-image, is very perceptive. Because of course, it turns out he is the kind of bloke who would leave a woman & 2 kids in the middle of nowhere because things didn't go his way, and he's given himself ample enough evidence to prove it - but you've denied him the ability to deceive himself about this.
I suspect he will be looking for more opportunities to try to get you to collude in minimizing his awful behaviour throughout this episode, so don't expect this to be the last plea/demand/bargaining attempt you'll hear from him on this subject.
So if you were ever to feel yourself wavering, just re-read this thread from start to finish to remind yourself of his actions as they happened, and remember that you are definitely well rid of him!
His behaviour was even worse then. What kind of a man goes off in a strop and abandons you and his own children to cope alone just because he is in a sulk.
Actually Sparkly forget that, I think what he did was great, he stopped you from making the massive mistake of getting back together with him. Clearly he did you a huge favour by behaving like such an immature loser.
It sounds as though you separated for good reasons, and those reasons are still relevant.
Separate parenting may well be the way to go. You can obviously cope extremely well with the children on your own, so you don't need him around.
Not-so-wild camping is a lot easier - a light at night and easily accessed water and loos makes a massive difference if you are on your own with children. And you can obviously manage the tent on your own (or you can rope in a bit of help on any camp site - campers are notoriously helpful if people are struggling).
Yes he HAS got form for this kind of behaviour.
For the person who asked, yes they are his dc. We've been separated for 5 years and had started to get on quite well so tentatively started doing stuff together with the dc again. I didn't want to say that the dd are his because I already KNOW that him leaving them was terrible but I wanted to make sure that it wasn't me that had driven him to it.
Was looking at campsites last night for me and dc to go again over summer hols. Maybe not such a "back to the wild" site this time though, nearer other pitches etc, just till I feel more comfortable.
Thanks for all your replies. I KNOW that he was being an arse but he does react so strongly and disgustedly to me that I question myself and wonder if I am a complete twat to him but just can't see it.
Think it's best we go back to completely separate parenting again. Even if it is partly me, it shouldn't be impacting on the dc just because we are knobs!
Well done for giving the kids such a lovely time.
He should be completely apologetic and grovelling now. Even if you were in the wrong (and you weren't) he shouldn't have gone off like that. Has he got form for this type of behaviour?
Big, big red flags. Before you get involved again, think very carefully.
Oh God, the dynamics of your relationship sound horrendous. Do your kids a favour and don't take up with him again. What's the point? Sounds like a twat, and probably is one. You've made yourself stronger by not bowing down to him. You didn't think you could cope the night, and you have and enjoyed it! You didn't need him.
OP, look up Gaslighting.
it's him trying to 're-invent what happened to make him look like the good guy.
Do not doubt yourself - you wrote it all down here, fresh in your mind so rely on that.
He's banned from driving and isn't insured. You said no.
He had a strop and then walked over the 1km he whined about to the train station.
He left you alone with two children and shed load of camping gear.
He's now trying to make himself feel better and be seen in a good light by twisting it.
He's behaved like a twat and has been ignored accordingly. Might be an idea to keep doing so and blocking his number
Remember, this is all about his strop when you wouldn't let him drive your car - all the rest of it is secondary behaviour designed to distract you from the main issue - he's not insured so can't drive your car!
He was wrong and he shouldn't have asked.
Your responses all follow from his wrong.
Don't let him bully you.
He behaved like a petulant child and is now trying to manipulate you into doubting yourself.
He was wrong, you were right.
It doesn't matter if you were maybe a little over annoyed, he threw a strop and stormed off home because you wouldn't let him drive your car to the showers.
If his virson wasn't complete rubbish, and he did just leave because you were annoyed, why would he walk all the way to a train station and go home? It doesn't make sense. Only someone on a strop would be childish enough to actually go home after a silly argument.
You absolutely did the right thing, I am so glad that you stayed. You should be very proud of yourself.
I think this is a perfect reason and opportunity to cut contact with that man, he clearly isn't reliable, a good role model, or worth the effort.
In a way, it doesn't matter if he is right or you are. You have seen a side to him that you didn't like and is not compatible with you, so a relationship with this dude would not make you happy.
OP have you been reading the threads about Nigella Lawson and how badly she's been acting?
Also agree - why, when you're on holiday would you choose to walk 1km. I can see it if you have 2 DC with ASD and presumably a load of stuff to take with you (not sure how old your DC are) but a grown man, who managed to walk to the station.
Is he your DCs' father? What happens now?
No but you do have to reapply for your licence, until you do it's not 'valid' and you're still without. Stick to your guns, you know what happened, he's just desperate to pretend he does !!!
He is playing with your head. Please don't let him back into your and your dcs lives. You can do much better
Well done for sticking to your guns. He sounds like a complete waste of space.
Don't drink drivers have to retake a driving test these days before they are allowed to drive again?
You gave your children a great camping weekend, and you know you can do it again. Big success I'd say.
Somebody who would think the whole "I must drive myself to the shower 1km away even though I don't have a licence" thing was normal behaviour, isn't going to start behaving like a grown up any time soon. Whatever, that is his problem. Just ignore him.
Don't let him do this to you.
Read your posts.
You describe a thoroughly horrible man who you really don't want to a) get tangled up with again and b) inflict on your very vulnerable children!!
Don't start buying into his crap and analysing your own reactions. That's what he wants. Takes the focus of him and allows him to manipulate you into accepting your position as Unreasonable.
Oh well done! You have been bloody amazing
Don't engage any with this knobber any more. You have the entire weight of MN AIBU on your side!
Have been lurking on this.
He's trying to spin on this and make himself look good.
You did EXACTLY everything he didn't expect, so this is his last line of attack.
You rock OP - and there is NOTHING wrong with your memory - he stormed off because you wouldn't let him have his way
It's irrelevant what he thinks happens.
You know what happened. And you also know the absolute fact that he went off home and left you with two children in the middle of nowhere. If he had been worried about arguing in front of the children, he could just have come back half an hour later, said "lets talk about this tomorrow" and stayed for the night.
The fact that he went home is proof that your version of events (him being a stroppy fuckwit) is correct.
Don't let him mess with your head. You did really well, you don't need him.
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