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To not know what to say?

(38 Posts)
bluesheep Fri 05-Jul-13 23:41:17

My friend has been through hell during her pregnancy and she has found out today her babies have sadly not survived. I don't know what to say to her. I'm so gutted that I can't stop crying but I want to be strong for her. What do I say? I know there isn't anything really, just wondered if anyone else has been through this and had any advice.

FirstStopCafe Sat 06-Jul-13 03:29:32

Listen to her, cry with her, let her know you are there and that she can talk about her precious babies with you if she wishes. Do the same for her husband.

You are a good friend

Butterflywgs Sat 06-Jul-13 03:43:36

Hugs to you bluesheep, and your friend. It's OK to say 'I don't know what to say'. I did when my friend's baby died at 6mo old of an incredibly rare disease :-(((((((

Butterflywgs Sat 06-Jul-13 03:52:54

She now has a gorgeous 1 year old dd. Which doesn't make the tragic loss of her first daughter any easier.

StupidFlanders Sat 06-Jul-13 04:51:30

I preferred the texts/cards as it was ages before I wanted to discuss it.

mumof2teenboys Sat 06-Jul-13 07:19:32

Just listen to her, dry her tears and keep being her friend.

dayshiftdoris Sun 07-Jul-13 01:19:22

Why Clothes? Because some parents want to dress their babies just one time and you can't just buy baby clothes that small. Maternity units have clothes that small but the offer of someone making your baby some clothes and knowing you can get something ready for them could be very comforting.

How do I know this? Because I'm a midwife and I have dressed many babies for parents after loss - they choose the clothes with such care and cherish those moments forever.

It is very personal though dressing baby may well be talked about by parents and if you have the skills to make them then it may well be a very precious thing you do.

Actually please if you can sew or knit well please consider making clothes for you local maternity unit xxxx

GiveItYourBestShot Sun 07-Jul-13 01:34:26

Would you prefer awkward silence, spoomoo? I personally prefer that someone says something to acknowledge my loss, even if they are generic words. "I love you" is pretty generic too.

angelopal Sun 07-Jul-13 10:38:17

When I lost my first baby last year when she was 4 days old last year most people just said they didn't know what to say which was ok with me as had it be the other way round I wouldn't have either.

Bringing food is good. We never felt like cooking but did eat food friends had brought.

For longer term remember important dates and let her know you are thinking of on them.

You sound like a really caring friend and she will need your support in the coming weeks and months.

icklemssunshine1 Sun 07-Jul-13 11:57:12

Totally agree with Weegie. I lost my 2nd baby in Feb & my BF just sat & cried with me. I didn't expect her to say anything, I just wanted company. I am currently surrounded by pregnant women & my BF will come over & just give my hand a squeeze. She also lights a candle for my baby each week at church.

She's a wonderful BF & you sound wonderful too. Sometimes a hug is all that is needed.

fluffyraggies Sun 07-Jul-13 12:21:43

All this advice is fab, and in the weeks to come please don't be afraid of asking how she is - in a meaningful way. Sometimes it's hard to raise the subject of your loss again when it's clear friends and family think you're ''ok now and putting it behind you''.

The time a few weeks later, when everyone else seems to have forgotten or seem to be finding it a relief not to have to talk or cry with you anymore are sometimes worse than the weeks right after the event. Because you feel bad about bringing it all up again. You feel like you're meant to be managing now.

Ditto landmark dates. Due dates. Loss anniversaries, etc.

buy her a beautiful plant or tree and a special card. send a ribbonto tie on it on their due date and just be there, its ok to cry with them too. but yes the practical stuff like food is helpful. let them guide you as to how much and how often you talk from my own experience there were times when I wanted to wallow in grief and times too when I wanted to smile and be as upbeat as I was able to be and try and forget for a while, go with them on it all people grieve differently

LunaticFringe Sun 07-Jul-13 16:02:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roslet Sun 07-Jul-13 16:07:59

Look on the SANDS website, they give really helpful advice on how to show your support.

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