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To just not want to see this (Facebook related)

(83 Posts)
LilyontheLeaf Fri 05-Jul-13 17:27:15

I genuinely can't decide if IABU or not.

My friend's son was stillborn five years ago. I cannot begin to imagine her pain and her continued suffering.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of his death. She has changed her profile picture to a picture of her son.

It just popped up on my newsfeed. I found the image of a dead child really distressing.

I of course respect her right to grieve in any way she wishes, and of course I would never ever say anything directly to her about this. I know my feelings of distress are nothing in comparison to hers.

But I really really wish she hadn't done it. I can't get that little face out of my mind.


daisychain01 Sat 06-Jul-13 05:57:52

Such a heart-rending, but also inspirational thread here. I am in awe of those who have lost their baby and take steps to always keep hold of precious memories of holding that child. The pain of losing a loved one, especially a child, never diminishes, its just something you learn to cope with as best you can.

YANBU at all in feeling unsettled by the image on Facebook, OP, as has been said already, it just isnt the sort of image you expect to see on social media, so it is hard-hitting but your friend is doing something she needs to in order to signify the continued importance of their child who will always remain real.

{{Big hug everyone!}}

ThisWayForCrazy Sat 06-Jul-13 05:57:22

YABVU! I am sure the image of her dead child distresses her too! I'm sure she'd much rather a live child.

Turquoisehat Sat 06-Jul-13 04:36:35

You cannot help how you feel. And you have given no indication that you would talk to your friend about her photo. I am going to suggest you hide this thread, if you haven't already done so.

I agree with what a pp posted earlier. Leave a supportive comment and let her know you are there if she wants to talk.

There are so many tragic stories here. I am so sorry for anyone who has posted saying they too have lost a child.

Beaverfeaver Sat 06-Jul-13 03:33:56

I personally wouldn't do it.
Some people might feel differently, but to me its no different than having any picture up of a human when passed over.

They might look like they are just sleeping and peaceful, but they are not.
Same goes for baby picture in my opinion

FirstStopCafe Sat 06-Jul-13 03:15:40


Every part of her aching heart will wish she was spending tonight wrapping his 5th birthday presents. Instead she has done one of the only things she can do to honour and preserve his memory - she has shared his picture with her friends.

This picture that so distresses you is probably one of her most treasured possessions. I admire her for sharing it and hope it is acknowledged by her friends who are privileged to see it.

ThePurpleCarrot Sat 06-Jul-13 02:42:56

The Facebook age seems to mean that lots of people are happy sharing every aspect of their lives. Some of us prefer to keep some things private.

missingmumxox Sat 06-Jul-13 02:31:03

When my mum died, I inherited a box of pictures of babies who had died, from the 70's and 80's she was a midwife and felt that parents needed something, all of the photo's have a letter attached or note written on the back of the photo saying thank you, from the parents.
I treasure these, she was a wonderful person, she first of all brought a camera and a 36 exposure film every time she said how she would have to explain the idea to the parents, as it was unheard of then, then explain they would have to wait for the photo, she didn't know how long as she couldn't afford to process the film every time .
She had the confused permission of her superiors not funding, she would then get 2 copies of the film and she said how she would be shaking picking up the film hoping the photos had come out, some where not very good as she didn't have a flash .
The 2 copies where both to the parents and the negative which she would also have to pay extra for so it could be reproduced was put in the notes. She used to take about 5 photos per baby.
For the record all the photos I have where sent back by the patents with messages in gratitude not that she kept them back

Tapirbackrider Sat 06-Jul-13 01:59:17

If I were able to get the picture of my stillborn daughter onto FB, then this would have been me 3 weeks ago.

I am the only one who remembers her - she would have been 22 years old this year, and there's not a day that passes that I wish I had her here with me, rather than just a polaroid picture locked away in a fireproof box. That's all I have of her - one picture, nothing else.

You are not being unreasonable to not want to see distressing pictures on your feed - but you would be very unreasonable to do anything other than click on the 'hide this post' button.

Please remember that this is her much loved child, who she'd give anything to have back in her arms, and don't say anything about it - you'll irredeemably hurt her.

Idocrazythings Sat 06-Jul-13 01:41:58

As a midwife I am used to such pictures, and whilst they greatly sadden me they don't cause me distress. Your friend would have looked at it thousands of times and she would see the picture only as a picture of her beautiful lost baby. I can imagine for someone seeing a picture of a dead baby for the first time it is upsetting. She probably doesn't realise it is distressing/ triggering for others as she is caught up in her grief. Personally, I don't think it's appropriate for a profile picture and that someone close to her should have a gentle chat to her. I'm not saying she shouldn't hide her grief away or not talk about it, but unless she has only family and real life friends on Facebook (not work associates, old school friends and the post mans uncle) then it should only be on the wall not as a profile pic.

fackinell Sat 06-Jul-13 00:58:30

Discomfort v heart wrenching grief, sorry OP but YABU. It's her choice and if it was me I would post a message of love to my friend, under the photo.

She wants her baby to to have the acknowledgment he deserves. I appreciate it's upsetting to see but it's a walk in the park compared to how she's feeling. sad

SingingSilver Sat 06-Jul-13 00:24:15

YANBU to be upset by the picture, some people are sensitive about things like that, it's fine.

YWBVU to say anything to her about it, or even to a mutual friend in case it got back to her.

You have to consider who is in greater distress. Not you.

travellingwilbury Sat 06-Jul-13 00:04:26

I do believe you are talking bollocks !

What a weird fucking thing to talk bollocks about .....

Paperlessy Fri 05-Jul-13 23:01:37

She doesn't want him to be forgotten by all but her.

ssd Fri 05-Jul-13 23:00:53

op you wrote you cant get that little face out of your mind

how do you think your friend feels???

I hope she has other friends apart fom you

travellingwilbury Fri 05-Jul-13 22:56:10

Ffs !

expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 22:53:06

I think it's that, quote, to wind up and get people incensed and spitting fire.

aldiwhore Fri 05-Jul-13 22:52:35

YANBU to not wish to see this. YABU if you expect people not to freely post what they want to on their FB page.

You can hide it. You cannot un-see it of course, but being a grown up you need to move on quickly from it and 'hide' it.

I think with things like this, you have to take a step back from yourself and think "Didn't need to see that" (and move on), it's upsetting, but FUCK, I wouldn't want to be in that position where my way of grieving is to want people to know what I lost, and my only picture of my beloved child was one that was of a child dead.

You cannot unsee many things in the course of a life, I cannot un-see my MIL in the chapel of rest with the totally wrong make up on and a wonky shoe, I cannot un-see the little boy who'd just been run over, I am very VERY grateful that I do not have to see my baby dead. BUT the picture is of a child, who is as loved as any living child, who's parent is grieving, who, if a FB poster feels they HAVE to post their pictures of their loved ones because that's what FB is all about.

It's distressing, upsetting and sometimes 'unpleasant' and YANBU to feel affected by it, however, your friends ANBU to post freely, to use FB as a tool for sharing, happiness or pain... I guess to 'deal' with it, you either delete anyone who may share something that might upset you or, you could learn to cry for them, give thanks it's not you, accept that in our social lives certain things crop up that may 'kill your mood' but that is life. FB isn't fiction, it's real life. It's also a private life shared. I think a lot of us need to develop strategies that enable us to 'cope' with this real sharing. We need to be gentle with it, we don't need to 'agree' with other's sharing decisions, but acknowledge that it's their right to do whatever they wish.

I cannot say YABU, even though I think y'know, you are... YABU to moan about it, but YANBU to feel how you feel about it, YABY to think people should consider your feelings amid such searing pain, YANBU for it to upset you.

quoteunquote Fri 05-Jul-13 22:51:30

I wonder what they get out of it,

Oh well, I suppose the old adage , reply as someone reading may be helped.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 22:40:14

Yeah, there have been quite a few threads like this recently. It's a head-scratcher.

Fakebook Fri 05-Jul-13 22:34:59

Our friends dd died a few hours after birth, a month after DS was born. I had picked out clothes for her as gifts and everything and was so happy for them as they'd suffered miscarriages like us too, but unfortunately her lungs weren't strong enough to cope outside the womb.

My friend still has her Dd's picture as her profile and her hand has a cover photo. That was her pfb. Ofcourse she is going to put her picture up, and why the hell shouldn't she?

You know, my brother said exactly the same thing as you when he saw the picture of the little baby (it popped up on his newsfeed when I commented), and I was so angry at him. That could've been my baby too and if it had been, I would've put pics up too.

Stop thinking about your own feelings and think of this mother that lost her child. You stupid pathetic person.

quoteunquote Fri 05-Jul-13 22:15:45

OP never came back then? hmm

NatashaBee Fri 05-Jul-13 22:13:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everlong Fri 05-Jul-13 21:59:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 21:56:19

And btw, your child doesn't stop being your child when he or she dies.

That child is her son, not was, is.

tinypumpkin Fri 05-Jul-13 21:34:04

As another who has lost a baby I am truly saddened to hear your thoughts about the photo of your friend's baby. I cannot convey what it is like to lose a baby, a much wanted child and family member. It is life long and too complex to try and put into words. The effect on the family is just huge. I say this as someone who was answering questions last night from DD2 about what would happen if DD3 died. DD2 is three and this is her reality as DD1 died. This is our life and the case for so many bereaved families.

I cannot get my head around the fact that the photo distressed you and that you cannot appreciate that your distress is so minimal compared to that of your friend. If you don't like it then hide the photo (fine), but to post in the way that you did suggests that you don't even see you friend's baby as a person. I find that deeply insensitive and completely lacking in empathy.

Today I was at DD2's preschool with twin girls either side, that was hard (DD1 and DD2 are twins). It kills me to see twin girls and for the staff to talk about the 'twins' and not mean my twins ( no one sees DD2 as a twin as her twin sister died). I have to suck it up every week.

For anyone who has a friend or family member who has lost a baby, this makes for some interesting reading in how to support them.

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