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To just not want to see this (Facebook related)

(83 Posts)
LilyontheLeaf Fri 05-Jul-13 17:27:15

I genuinely can't decide if IABU or not.

My friend's son was stillborn five years ago. I cannot begin to imagine her pain and her continued suffering.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of his death. She has changed her profile picture to a picture of her son.

It just popped up on my newsfeed. I found the image of a dead child really distressing.

I of course respect her right to grieve in any way she wishes, and of course I would never ever say anything directly to her about this. I know my feelings of distress are nothing in comparison to hers.

But I really really wish she hadn't done it. I can't get that little face out of my mind.


expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 20:40:15

'I have to wonder how people who are pregnant, or have also suffered loss feel when they are confronted with a photo like that.'

I have suffered loss. I lost the worst way possible, a child.

And when I'm 'confronted' by a 'photo like that', I feel for that poster to the bottom of my heart because I know how she or he feels.

There's a whole world out there far more worth of 'raising a complaint' about.

And it doesn't just look heartless, it is.

Please, please de-friend or block this person. She deserves someone better.

Lilyloo Fri 05-Jul-13 20:48:02

I really cannot believe how insensitive this op is. AIBU Damn right you are. Hopefully you find more empathy for your friend face to face and accept that your feelings are but a drop in the ocean compared to the way she feels right now.

cupofteaplease Fri 05-Jul-13 21:02:03

Brigit what you said was perfect, 'So really it should be upsetting for you to see the picture, but not because it's a dead baby, but because it's a little friend you lost too.'

Thank you. I wish more people would view it like you do. I'd love for people to remember my darling girl as a friend/niece they lost rather than just a 'dead baby'.

LunaticFringe Fri 05-Jul-13 21:03:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicholasTeakozy Fri 05-Jul-13 21:07:09

What expat said in her post of 20.40. YABU. This is providing comfort to someone who counts you as a friend. Your actions prove otherwise.

phantomnamechanger Fri 05-Jul-13 21:10:56

I agree cup

OP - remember too that everyone with a child the same age as her DS would be, posting their cute pics , anecdotes, stories is like a stab in the heart every time for this lady. And if she NAMED her DS, then that's another thing that is always going to be there as a painful reminder every time she sees or hears the name used in relation to someone else's child. I don't expect you think other people should stop posting in order to not upset the bereaved? it works both ways.

I have had to leave a child's party in tears when they were singing my dead DDs name, knowing I was never going to sing it to her! BUT I would not have prevented my DD going to her friends party because of her having the same name, or asked the party mum if they would mind not singing cos I would find it too upsetting.

Whatsthatnoise Fri 05-Jul-13 21:20:08

I work in the photo lab of a supermarket, every so often someone comes in with a photo of a tiny newborn and asks me if I can enlarge or put it onto a cushion etc. As I'm helping them to scan the image they will tell me of their heartbreaking loss and I end up crying with them, wishing in some way I could take that complete strangers pain away and hoping that this photo/cushion whatever is going to bring them some comfort for the future.

I have some photographs of my own daughter when she was born that I find distressing (she had some forceps related birth injuries) and she was very much alive. I cannot begin to imagine what your friend has been through and I hope it's from that place that your own distress originates. sad

maddening Fri 05-Jul-13 21:23:36

the dead baby was your friends beautiful son who she loved from the minute she knew she was pregnant. Most of the time she can't talk about him and acknowledge his existence like other parents, but he was real and had a name and IS loved and she is his mum - and just for one day she can acknowledge openly that he was here and did exist and as a friend you can remember her son with her - he is her beautiful baby.

tinypumpkin Fri 05-Jul-13 21:34:04

As another who has lost a baby I am truly saddened to hear your thoughts about the photo of your friend's baby. I cannot convey what it is like to lose a baby, a much wanted child and family member. It is life long and too complex to try and put into words. The effect on the family is just huge. I say this as someone who was answering questions last night from DD2 about what would happen if DD3 died. DD2 is three and this is her reality as DD1 died. This is our life and the case for so many bereaved families.

I cannot get my head around the fact that the photo distressed you and that you cannot appreciate that your distress is so minimal compared to that of your friend. If you don't like it then hide the photo (fine), but to post in the way that you did suggests that you don't even see you friend's baby as a person. I find that deeply insensitive and completely lacking in empathy.

Today I was at DD2's preschool with twin girls either side, that was hard (DD1 and DD2 are twins). It kills me to see twin girls and for the staff to talk about the 'twins' and not mean my twins ( no one sees DD2 as a twin as her twin sister died). I have to suck it up every week.

For anyone who has a friend or family member who has lost a baby, this makes for some interesting reading in how to support them.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 21:56:19

And btw, your child doesn't stop being your child when he or she dies.

That child is her son, not was, is.

everlong Fri 05-Jul-13 21:59:48

Where's the OP??

Lovely of her to start a thread as sensitive as this, upsetting people that lost their children, then not even bother coming back.


NatashaBee Fri 05-Jul-13 22:13:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quoteunquote Fri 05-Jul-13 22:15:45

OP never came back then? hmm

Fakebook Fri 05-Jul-13 22:34:59

Our friends dd died a few hours after birth, a month after DS was born. I had picked out clothes for her as gifts and everything and was so happy for them as they'd suffered miscarriages like us too, but unfortunately her lungs weren't strong enough to cope outside the womb.

My friend still has her Dd's picture as her profile and her hand has a cover photo. That was her pfb. Ofcourse she is going to put her picture up, and why the hell shouldn't she?

You know, my brother said exactly the same thing as you when he saw the picture of the little baby (it popped up on his newsfeed when I commented), and I was so angry at him. That could've been my baby too and if it had been, I would've put pics up too.

Stop thinking about your own feelings and think of this mother that lost her child. You stupid pathetic person.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 22:40:14

Yeah, there have been quite a few threads like this recently. It's a head-scratcher.

quoteunquote Fri 05-Jul-13 22:51:30

I wonder what they get out of it,

Oh well, I suppose the old adage , reply as someone reading may be helped.

aldiwhore Fri 05-Jul-13 22:52:35

YANBU to not wish to see this. YABU if you expect people not to freely post what they want to on their FB page.

You can hide it. You cannot un-see it of course, but being a grown up you need to move on quickly from it and 'hide' it.

I think with things like this, you have to take a step back from yourself and think "Didn't need to see that" (and move on), it's upsetting, but FUCK, I wouldn't want to be in that position where my way of grieving is to want people to know what I lost, and my only picture of my beloved child was one that was of a child dead.

You cannot unsee many things in the course of a life, I cannot un-see my MIL in the chapel of rest with the totally wrong make up on and a wonky shoe, I cannot un-see the little boy who'd just been run over, I am very VERY grateful that I do not have to see my baby dead. BUT the picture is of a child, who is as loved as any living child, who's parent is grieving, who, if a FB poster feels they HAVE to post their pictures of their loved ones because that's what FB is all about.

It's distressing, upsetting and sometimes 'unpleasant' and YANBU to feel affected by it, however, your friends ANBU to post freely, to use FB as a tool for sharing, happiness or pain... I guess to 'deal' with it, you either delete anyone who may share something that might upset you or, you could learn to cry for them, give thanks it's not you, accept that in our social lives certain things crop up that may 'kill your mood' but that is life. FB isn't fiction, it's real life. It's also a private life shared. I think a lot of us need to develop strategies that enable us to 'cope' with this real sharing. We need to be gentle with it, we don't need to 'agree' with other's sharing decisions, but acknowledge that it's their right to do whatever they wish.

I cannot say YABU, even though I think y'know, you are... YABU to moan about it, but YANBU to feel how you feel about it, YABY to think people should consider your feelings amid such searing pain, YANBU for it to upset you.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Jul-13 22:53:06

I think it's that, quote, to wind up and get people incensed and spitting fire.

travellingwilbury Fri 05-Jul-13 22:56:10

Ffs !

ssd Fri 05-Jul-13 23:00:53

op you wrote you cant get that little face out of your mind

how do you think your friend feels???

I hope she has other friends apart fom you

Paperlessy Fri 05-Jul-13 23:01:37

She doesn't want him to be forgotten by all but her.

travellingwilbury Sat 06-Jul-13 00:04:26

I do believe you are talking bollocks !

What a weird fucking thing to talk bollocks about .....

SingingSilver Sat 06-Jul-13 00:24:15

YANBU to be upset by the picture, some people are sensitive about things like that, it's fine.

YWBVU to say anything to her about it, or even to a mutual friend in case it got back to her.

You have to consider who is in greater distress. Not you.

fackinell Sat 06-Jul-13 00:58:30

Discomfort v heart wrenching grief, sorry OP but YABU. It's her choice and if it was me I would post a message of love to my friend, under the photo.

She wants her baby to to have the acknowledgment he deserves. I appreciate it's upsetting to see but it's a walk in the park compared to how she's feeling. sad

Idocrazythings Sat 06-Jul-13 01:41:58

As a midwife I am used to such pictures, and whilst they greatly sadden me they don't cause me distress. Your friend would have looked at it thousands of times and she would see the picture only as a picture of her beautiful lost baby. I can imagine for someone seeing a picture of a dead baby for the first time it is upsetting. She probably doesn't realise it is distressing/ triggering for others as she is caught up in her grief. Personally, I don't think it's appropriate for a profile picture and that someone close to her should have a gentle chat to her. I'm not saying she shouldn't hide her grief away or not talk about it, but unless she has only family and real life friends on Facebook (not work associates, old school friends and the post mans uncle) then it should only be on the wall not as a profile pic.

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