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If you're aware your child is a spoiled brat - you should do something about it! AIBU?

(246 Posts)
WhistlingNun Fri 05-Jul-13 17:14:05

I've just had the most frustrating conversation with my brother and Sil.

I'm taking my nephew - their 12yo son - away to a caravan holiday next week with me and 5yo dd.

Brother and SIL have just popped in for a quick visit, during which they tried to hand me £500! They said it was his spending money.

Then they tried to give my dd £300 and £100 for myself. I explained that no child would need that amount of spending money for a week at Haven. Most of the entertainment is included, but he might need a wee bit of spending money if he wanted to do extra activities such as climbing wall etc. But only £50 maximum.

I also said that i was only planning on eating out maybe 2 nights out of 7 (self catering) but i'm happy to cover the cost of his meals.

Well, they quite candidly said that my nephew is very fussy and would probably want a burger every night.

They said that i would find my hand constantly in my pocket to keep him happy.

He'd constantly be asking for money for the arcades.

He'll be moody and complaining if i don't give him money to occupy himself while i'm doing things with dd like the kids club.

He;ll be wanting drinks every two minutes.

I tried to assure them that i had a cheaper plan.

I'd buy him in nice quick foods or micro burgers to eat at the caravan. I didn't want my daughter eating out 7 nights and it wouldn't be fair to let him run into burger king every evening when my daughter's having to eat 'boring normal' food in the caravan.

They said he wouldn't put up with this and would go in a mood and probably not eat anything i made.

I said we can all spend a certain amount of time (maybe an hour) going around the arcades, and I'd ration him to £5-£10 per day.

They said he wouldn't be happy about this. He could quite easily spend an entire day at the arcades spending £100 each time. (They suggested i ration his arcade money to £25 a day).

I said he can take one of his portable computers to play (he has an ipad, psp, wiiU and a frigging 3DS) while i'm doing stuff with dd, rather than him doing something that costs money.

They said he gets fed up of his computers after 5 minutes so this wouldn't work.

I suggested i could buy a multipack of capri suns and take some out with me each evening for him rather than buy expensive drinks. They said he will prefer drinks that come fresh from the bar.

They were completely apologetic throughout all of this, stating they were fully aware he was a 'spoiled wee shit' as they so eloquently put it. My SIL says she's just spent over £600 on buying him new clothes for this holiday (almost twice the cost of the actual holiday!) and that she'd had to practically force him to murmur a thank you to her.

I was appalled. I said 'Well in future take him to the likes of Primark."

Then she looked appalled (snobby). "Oh no, he'd not have that. It's all got to be brand name with him."

It wasn't really my place to say, but i said it anyway. "If you want him to stop acting so precious, stop throwing money at him every two minutes."

They said they know it's their own fault, but he's gotten too used to it now, he doesn't know any different.

They left saying that if he plays up - which they anticipate - then they'll bring him home right away.

Now, i've had my nephew stay overnight before - so this week away is a big leap.

Yes, he is indeed a spoiled wee shit. But i don't stand for it when he;s here (which is probably why he hates staying with me!). E.g. the other week, i took him to the cinema and a cafe for a belated birthday treat.

Cost me a bloody fortune. Not one single thank you.

he complained the film was rubbish.

He choose the most expensive pizza on the menu (£20!) then decided he didn't like it. And went in a huff when i refused to buy him the second most expensive item on the menu. So he got landed with a basket of chips. Then all the way home he complained that his mum had bought him a crappy tablet instead of an ipad for his birthday. (They went out the next week and bought him an ipad - the tablet is now in the drawer).

I'm probably coming across as a total bitch here. But i just don't understand. If you know your child is a spoiled brat - why would you just put up with it? Why why why?

Anyway, i thanked them for the money, but handed them back the £400 they'd tried to give me and dd. I then reluctantly took the £500 for my nephew, but assured them he'd be coming home with a lot of change. The blimmin holiday only cost £400!

I love my nephew. I do. And i'm not dreading the week away with him. He'll be good company for me and dd. I'm sort of hoping to drum into him next week that it's possible to have fun without spending a heap of cash.

Wow what a rant! I started this at 4.30 - dinner's a-cinder!

KirjavaTheCat Fri 05-Jul-13 18:43:36

Damn, I was actually scolding myself today for buying DS something from the charity shop two days in a row. Reality check!

It sounds as though your SIL and brother have fallen into letting their son control them. It happens early on if you don't set boundries down from the time they can understand English - I'm seeing the same thing happen with my MIL and her 4yo DD.

It starts out with them just wanting to do nice things for their children, the children become accustomed to nice things, expect them, and the parents keep it up to avoid a tantrum. Then they're left with the sort of situation your brother and SIL is in. It's very sad.

pouffepants Fri 05-Jul-13 18:45:49

Are your bro and sil not concerned about his future?

Thisisaeuphemism Fri 05-Jul-13 18:46:04

What do the parents do that they have so much money yet are really stupid?

WhistlingNun Fri 05-Jul-13 18:49:56

Sil's a nurse and my brother has his own building business. TBH i can see them still paying for him like this when he reaches adulthood.

Paying his rent, bills etc.

Either that, or he'll just refuse to move out.

He'll be a legal adult in just 6 years.

The real world is going to seem so foreign to him.

My brother and SIL think they're doing the right thing. SIL says she was always teased at school for wearing hand me downs and not affording nice things, and she doesn't want nephew to ever go through the same.

No. He'll not be teased for what he wears. But i bet he'll get the shit kicked out of him for being an insufferable snob at some point in the near future.

Triumphoveradversity Fri 05-Jul-13 18:52:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Remotecontrolduck Fri 05-Jul-13 19:00:27

You're braver than I am, I would have probably strangled him by the end of the week....

I honestly don't know the answer to the spending money thing. Can you just say no, you have to do what we do and eat what we eat? Give him say £10 a day to go do something he'd like to do away from you? If he agreed to come on holiday with you, he should have to live by roughly your rules. Put your foot down, he has no access to money unless you give it to him presumably.

Good luck!

Mintyy Fri 05-Jul-13 19:03:07

Omg that really is quite exceptionally long!

everlong Fri 05-Jul-13 19:04:10

The parents fault not the boys.
They've allowed it.

thebody Fri 05-Jul-13 19:08:06

Don't like the language and enmity directed at this child.

It's not his fault the adults close to him have let him down.

I feel sorry for him as spoilt kids are so easily squashed and teased by peers and he's just getting to that age.

If the parents do this then it's probably because they secretly like dressing him in designer things and eating out themselves and are in fact blaming him for their choices.

LemonBreeland Fri 05-Jul-13 19:08:43

Actually leave some of the money at home so you don't have it and then you won't need to actually lie to him.

Hissy Fri 05-Jul-13 19:09:27

When he arrives to go away with you, sit him down and tell him that this is YOUR holiday, YOUR rules and YOUR family.

Tell him that you have given the money back and that as it's coming out of YOUR pocket (1) it will be rationed and (2) it will have to be asked for with manners and respect.

All meals will be your choice, if he eats, great, if not, he'll live.

good luck.

PowderMum Fri 05-Jul-13 19:23:29

Loved the bit about not shopping at Primark and only buying brand names, heard this from a colleague the other day too, she wouldn't dream if dressing her DS in anything but brands.

Despite being realitvely well off I am trying to teach my 2 DC about value and working/saving for things. Unlike your SIL I don't feel the need to indulge my children's every whim. My youngest goes away on a self catering holiday every year with her extended family whilst I work, she is given a small amount of spending money, plus I pay for her food to the responsible adult, she does what everyone else does, eats whatever is put in front of her, or goes without, same as when she is with me.

Wuxiapian Fri 05-Jul-13 19:28:49

He sounds awful, OP! The parents sound worse!

Wishing you lots of patience and steely nerves for next week - you are brave!

ShabbyButNotChic Fri 05-Jul-13 19:43:52

Wow good luck! A family friend has a child like this, he is 10 and his behaviour is totally disgusting when his parents ate there. Yet he is nice for my parents/me, funny that isnt it you stupid woman who insists its his character and you cant change it his mum takes so much shit of him its unbelievable, to the point where we tell him off in front of her, and he behaves, while she smiles at her 'lively' damn rude child.

Parents like this do their kids no favours as they know the price of everything and the value of nothing turning into my mum

Hopefully a week away with sane people may have a positive affect on him?? You sound like a brave woman

BridgetBidet Fri 05-Jul-13 19:49:51

I suspect that there is something else going on here. In my own experience when parents are chucking this amount of money at a child it is usually making up for a lack in other areas. Do they spend little time with him and make it up with money? Or do they perhaps have an unhappy marriage which he is stuck in the middle of? I would bet my right arm it's not the being spoilt that is making him difficult but that there's something else going on and another reason he is unhappy and the material spoiling is just a sticking plaster for that.

mrsjay Fri 05-Jul-13 19:56:07

good luck with THAT i am sure he will be fine with you I guess you will use that very rare word NO grin they sound scared of him probably they will be pissed all the week he is away

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 05-Jul-13 20:00:27

I am completely shock at this. Even more so that his parents are well aware of what they have turned their son into and are not doing anything to change it. It seems so unfair that your nephew is going to continue to act in a way that will make people really not like him and it's not his fault at all really.

I don't however agree with the posters that say not to give him the money you have been given for him. You would be lining yourself up for a massive strop that could very well ruin yours and dd's holiday. It's not your responsibility 'fix' the damage his parents have caused. From your post it doesn't sound like you can afford to just go on another holiday if this one is ruined, so I would play it a little safe! You won't be able to change years of learned behaviour in just a few days.

TeWiSavesTheDay Fri 05-Jul-13 20:03:35

Good luck.

Also, re the money can you claim you're going to do something really expensive on the last day (on the way home) so you've put aside £400 for that, so he can only have £15 a day for the holiday - then just drop him home?

Or is that horribly mean?

exoticfruits Fri 05-Jul-13 20:25:31

I would follow Hissy's suggestion- it sounds fine to me. Get lots of exercise and wear him out!
(I am still reeling from another thread where the child was taken to the Grand Canyon and wouldn't get out of the car to look!! )

marriedinwhiteagain Fri 05-Jul-13 20:40:23

Two things:

Do his parents actually have time for him?

Is this their way of trying to give you some money to cover the holiday and spend on yourself without saying.

Having said that what they are doing to or for him is not healthy. We don't spend that sort of money on day to day stuff for our DC or eat out every night on holiday. In fact ours were told what the odds were in arcades on their first visit and given a pound maX and when it was gone it was gone. I think we told them arcades might even be a form of legalised stealing!!

WhistlingNun Fri 05-Jul-13 20:48:18

Yep they have lots of time for him. SIL works three days a week, and my brother mainly works from home.

I honestly don't think there's any hidden meaning behind why they're spoiling him. They genuinely believe they're doing the right thing. Giving him the best stuff, so that he'll have friends, won't get teased etc.

Except, by doing this, they've created a monster. Yes, he's got lots of material things. But he has no respect, no compassion, no modesty, and no bloody friends!

It makes me sad.

He's like a teenage baby.

I'm quite angry actually now that they expected me to still let him eat out every night even after i said me and dd would only eat out maybe twice. So basically, me and dd will be eating our little dinner in the caravan with nephew just watching us. Then i have to take him for a dinner at a restaurant/cafe. I'll feel horrible eating my dinner knowing there's a child next to me with a rumbling tummy.

Potteresque97 Fri 05-Jul-13 20:52:25

Is there a middle ground here? Personally, I'd give in on the dinners,make all your lives easier/better, I think it's a reasonable thing for them to pay for, and can't see the other solution workable, but not give in on anything else? I'd try and focus in the rapport with him and not trying to fix him, you can't but he may listen if you just try and connect and have a nice time on your terms. Yes eating out is a waste of money, but having two dinner schedules is going to make your child worse off/bored too.

Dozer Fri 05-Jul-13 20:55:01

You don't HAVE to do anything. You made a generous offer, if they accept then (within reason, obviously) it's your holiday, your rules. If they seriously expect you to go along with their approach, they are BVU and would think twice about taking him.

Dozer Fri 05-Jul-13 20:55:39

Or, just eat out all the time and spend their cash grin

marriedinwhiteagain Fri 05-Jul-13 21:16:22

They've given you a total of 900 quid - surely you can all eat out every night on that and have treats too. You coukld have a barbecue a few nights and get the dc to help marinade, watch, make a salad, etc.. What's the big deal about that.

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