Ok, I don't want to dripfeed, but neither do I want to bore you all to tears with a post of epic proportions, so will try to keep to the main points and will explain in more detail if anyone has any questions.
DS is 22 this year. Since he was 16, he has ping ponged from living at my house to living at my mothers house, with a short spell house sharing with a friend.
At the moment, he is living at my mothers house.
Since he has lived with my mother, he has become increasingly selfish, entitled, disrespectful, rude and lacking in empathy. He only cares about his friends and his social life, and is regularly in all sorts of trouble.
I fear he is throwing his future away by getting in the trouble he is getting in, which is becoming more and more regular, yet he has very few consequences which affect him.
Anyhow, about 2 weeks ago, very unexpectedly, he began picking at everything I was saying, so I asked him 'DS, why are you picking at everything I am saying?'
To which he replied 'If you don't know what my problem is, I am not going to tell you.'
I asked him again to tell me what was wrong, but he repeated that if I don't know what is wrong, then he wasn't going to tell me.
AIBU to think that if you have a problem with someone that you want to resolve, you bloody well tell them what the problem is?
AIBU to think that if DS doesn't tell me what his problem is, then he's obviously not bothered about sorting it and would prefer for us not to work it out?
AIBU to feel bloody uncomfortable every time I am at my mothers when he is there now, because it is so blatantly obvious that he is still angry about something he wont discuss, and am now wishing I didn't have to go to my mothers. 
Also, where do I go from here? When all is said and done, he is my DS, and I feel I am being ostracised without knowing what supposedly awful wrong I have done?
I am finding myself getting angrier and angrier as the days/weeks go by, because if he doesn't want to tell me, fine, but how long am I supposed to be punished for a wrong I don't know I've done by putting up with his rudeness and insults while I am at my mothers and we cross paths? I've wracked my brains for 2 weeks now, and haven't come up with a single plausible reason, plenty of implausible reasons, but none that make sense IYSWIM.
This is childish and pathetic right?
AIBU?
to think this behaviour is childish and frustrating from DS?
littlemisssarcastic · 04/07/2013 19:49
Thanks for such quick replies. I can't talk to him atm without him snarling at me 'Go and talk to someone who gives a shit' or something similar.
My mum looks after DD for me while I work on a Saturday for a few hours, and sometimes picks DD up from school for me if I am working late.
I work near DM's, so drop DD off and then go to work. When I return to pick up DD, mum makes dinner for us all and he is in and out as and when it suits him. Sometimes, he is in, but in bed all day so that's ok, but I am dreading taking DD there this Saturday because of the terrible mood DS is in.
I told my mum today that if it wasn't for having to work, I wouldn't be coming to her house, because I just don't know when DS is going to start having a bitch rant at me again.
Mum says she is stuck in the middle her favoured position tbh
My mother is always sitting on the fence which she describes as being stuck in the middle. Basically, she has pitted me and DS against each other in the past, but when I confront her, she always says the same thing 'Not me, it's not my fault, I didn't make that decision.'
Sorry if that's not making a lot of sense. I will give you an example. When DS was 16, I was having the usual teenage behaviour of DS not pulling his weight. He refused to take his plate out, scrape his leftovers in the bin, make a cup of tea, rinse the bath out after him, in fact, he refused to do anything without an argument, so I would set him tasks and I expected them done before he could go out with his friends. The only fly in the ointment was that as soon as I had gone out, DS phoned my mum and asked her to pick him up and take him to hers for a few days, hence he would skip the tasks I'd asked of him and go out with his friends and I'd end up doing them myself. I repeatedly asked my mother not to pick him up without my consent, but she ignored/forgot 
or said she was giving me a break.
IMO she was involved by bloody picking him up, and not for the first time. I had spent months asking her not to pick up DS without consulting me first, but when it comes down to it, she would, because DS asked her to, and she can't bear to see him upset. 
That's part of the problem imo, that she can't bear her little prince to bear any consequences that might bloody upset him. This is why imvho DS is getting into increasing amounts of trouble, because he never ever faces the bloody consequences!! My mother's desire to be needed has clouded her judgement and she honestly can't see how she is contributing to DS's trouble, and he doesn't give a toss because he's doing what he wants when he wants. Rahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
DD is SN and I have no one else to look after her. I have considered resigning, but then I think why should DD and I be driven into poverty by DS's shitty moods.
Totally agree MammaTJ.
DS lived with me until he was 16, and I got so fed up of him disappearing to DM's when it suited, that I eventually told him if he did his disappearing act one more time without telling me he was going before he went, then he could stay there.
He waited until I had nipped to a neighbours for a cup of tea one evening to disappear again, but I came back sooner than he'd expected and found him packing a few things. The next thing I knew, my mother was on my doorstep, and when I asked her what was going on, she said it was nothing to do with her. I told her it bloody well was because she was picking him up against my wishes, and she just repeated it wasn't anything to do with her.
I tried talking to DS, asking him to think about what he was doing, that he could not just come back in a few days as before. We had already been over that, but I told him again, but my mother just ushered him out of the door and sort of propelled him to her car, away from what I was trying to say.
They got in the car and drove away. A few days later, my mother parked 3 streets away while DS came to collect his belongings.
I also tried to pick him up from college and asked my mother not to go to the college because I would be picking him up that day. When I arrived, there was mothers car parked outside the college. DS again chose to go with softy nan.
It was a long time before I saw or spoke to DS again. He blocked me on his phone and I cut DM off.
Eventually, DS began speaking to me again, because I persevered in trying to contact him, but our relationship had changed. I felt betrayed by DS, and I think he felt betrayed by me tbh because I was pg and he had been told by DM and Dsis that he was not a part of my new family anymore.
I tried to tell DS this was not the case, but the seed had been sown.
He was at DM's for 2 years and in this time, he began smoking, drinking and was falling behind at college. He was expected to do nothing.
He wanted to return home 2 years later, and it was then I discovered he had a drug habit (which he stopped when he returned because he was too far from his suppliers. I live out in the sticks.)
He asked me to attend a parents meeting at college where I found out he had gone into college every day wasted for 18 months and was unlikely to pass his course.
I agreed to let him come back after 2 years because he was a mess and I honestly believed he had learnt that living with DM was not what was best for him. silly naïve me.
He stayed at mine for a year, knuckled down, passed his college course, started driving lessons, got a good job, stopped taking drugs and only went out at weekends drinking, which was a vast improvement. Also he was 18 by now, so legally he could drink.
Mother didn't take it very well at all, and cried constantly, said she would never let another man in her life, she spoke of DS leaving hers as if he was her DH, and the whole situation was reminiscent of a DH leaving his wife for his mistress and then returning to his wife. Mother was completely distraught, inconsolable, said she had never been so hurt in all her life. She couldn't sleep or eat, and she went over and over every little detail of her life when DS lived with her all of the time.
Mother told me she had done everything for DS, he hadn't had to lift a finger, she had allowed his friends to stay, had bought him alcohol from the age of 16 had given him money, had felt threatened by his friends, been frightened of DS, he had been rude to her, called her names etc and she had tolerated all of this yet he had still left her. She said she would never let DS in her house again, so hurt was she. She denies she said she didn't want him back in her house now, but apparently she said she would never have him overnight again.
A year went by, DS straightened himself out, contributed to household chores, got his finances sorted out and distanced himself from my mother, but she never stopped obsessing about him.
A year later, he moved into a house share, where he stayed out of trouble. That lasted a year, then he went back to my mothers.
Well, she wont see him out on the streets you see.
He has been back at mothers for about 6 months and already his friends are dossing there every weekend, in fact some weekends, DS doesn't return to hers, but his friends turn up for a bed and she just opens the bloody door to them.
It's all pretty much as it was before, DM does everything for DS, and even asks DS if it's ok for DD to go and visit. 
She waits on him hand and foot. Not only that, but she wont hear of DS doing anything wrong.
DS has now lost his driving licence for being in control of a vehicle while under the influence of alcohol, mother has paid his bloody fine and drives him wherever he wants to go, even if that means picking him and friends up at 4.30am after he's been drinking.
He has also thrown a plant pot at a neighbours car windscreen as a joke 
and mother agreed to not tell me, and to protect DS by lying that he was at hers that night if the police came, and the latest is that DS is on bail for an arson attack on someones house, and for theft of a garden ornament, yet DM says she doesn't believe DS was involved, the police have just picked on him because he was involved in breaking and entering an empty pub last year.
The police have been searching DM's house for the garden ornament, and where was DS when these searches were going on?
Getting drunk with his friends, and of course DM wont tell him to come back because it will spoil his weekend surely??
I want to shake her and tell her to stop enabling him, let him face the bloody consequences of his behaviour instead of paying his fines and writing stupid letters to the court to get him leniency, but she just keeps going on this crusade to make life as easy as possible for DS regardless of what he does.
At this rate, he'll be in prison by the time he's 25. I have told mother this. Mother doesn't tell me half of what goes on. I don't think she likes my suggestions as to how to deal with it, which are along the lines of making him face the consequences for his behaviour!!!
I know I am better off out of it, but a part of me says this is my DS and I don't want his life ruined because he felt he was untouchable by getting away with so much. Another part of me says 'let them get on with it, just keep my distance'.
Sorry for the epic post.
Also want to add that DM has always wanted DS to live with her, ever since he was born. She is honestly obsessed by him, can see no wrong in him and just seems so damn grateful that he has chosen her.
It's a weird relationship they have, he is the king of the castle and actually has no respect for DM, and she will do almost anything to have him there, but at what cost?
I'm not sure DM will ever learn because she just wont see the part she plays in enabling him to be this way, and even if she does learn, it is DS who will pay the price. I mean, DS is now so dependent on DM for everything, I think he would struggle to make a sandwich if he had to. He literally does nothing but work. He doesn't even pull his quilt over his bed when he gets up. He has lost the ability to look after himself at all, and just spends his time drinking, smoking, sleeping and working.
Another thing is he spends a lot of time in his room, and his friends sit in his room too, sometimes DD goes in his room to see him obviously when he is sober and in a reasonably good mood yet when we were on speaking terms, and I went to say hello, anything more than a very quick 'Hi DS' would get mother going with sarcastic comments like 'I might as well move DS's bedroom into the lounge because you seem to spend all of your time in there with him.'
I would be in there for 5 minutes maximum, but mother really doesn't like it at all. I don't really see DS any other time.
There is no private time I spend with DS apart from that 5 minutes.
When I asked DM if she knew why DS was being so rude to me, she only said 'No, but perhaps you should ostracise him for a while.'
She would never say this about any other member of the family.
Mind you, it would mean I was out of the picture, which is what I think DM has always wanted, for me and DS to be separated completely and for her to be the parent figure in his life.
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