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To find attachment parents pretty blooming judgemental and smug

(214 Posts)
rowtunda Thu 04-Jul-13 16:01:32

Or is it just me.

Raise your childhowever you want, different mums & different babies etc etc but at the moment I seem to be getting exponents of gentle parenting, attachment parenting, co sleeping, baby wearing ramming it all down my throat, sharing links on facebook to articles about how much they pity parents who use CC, etc etc

Mumsnet also seems to also be full of people who recommend these parenting styles i.e. sitting in a drak room for hours holding your
toddlers hand in a darkened room until they fall sleep, condemning people who use sleep training methods, want an evening sans child etc etc.

Maybe its just all the mums I know who are doing this 'parenting style' are a teensy but self righteous. I think it really annoys me because of the insinuation that I have failed my child (not responding to their needs/breaking the maternal bond etc) by
doing it another way.

I am prepared to be flamed - but does anyone else out their feel the same.

Fine if you want to be an attachment parent but please stop preaching on about it like you have reinvented the wheel!

WeekendsAreHappyDays Mon 03-Mar-14 17:48:17

Mumsnet also seems to also be full of people who recommend these parenting styles i.e. sitting in a drak room for hours holding yourtoddlers hand in a darkened room until they fall sleep, condemning people who use sleep training methods, want an evening sans child etc etc.

Bollox to both of these - sitting in a darkened room is sleep training and in a purist sense non AP - and AP is about forming secure bonds with your child and living a child centred life not about being glued to your child 24/7.

If you are going to attack a group of paremts then at least know what you are talking about.

Nannyplumismymum Mon 03-Mar-14 17:41:45

On the contrary - my experience is that the " yes I put my baby in his own room at 2 weeks old.."are the most smug.

AP parents often find themselves in the minority and can be easily open to attack ... I find AP parents are generally a lot more private about their parenting style.

VinegarDrinker Fri 04-Oct-13 07:44:46

Erm this is a thread from July

BramshawHill Fri 04-Oct-13 07:33:46

I think smug, know-it-all, preachiness is a personality trait rather than a parenting style.

in the group of friends I've made from baby group, I'm the one who co-sleeps full time and has since the beginning. Another woman co-sleeps a couple times a week, a couple women have had their babies in cots in a separate room since birth. Same with breastfeeding, I'm still doing it, a couple women stopped a few weeks ago, another couple stopped nearly a year ago when the babies were weeks old. We all have different styles of 'parenting' but no-one, even for a second, has judged or preached or commented that their way is right.

Compare that to my baby's father's family - I'm not even sure what their parenting style was/is, I just know they like to tell me I'm doing it all wrong (with lots of 'making a rod for your own back!' thrown in). Its because they're douchenozzles, not because we parent differently.

IamSlave Thu 03-Oct-13 21:34:40

I have also mixed it up, I read Baby Whisperer with first but could never follow another doctrine to the letter, as others say take what works for you.

I too only heard this AP term on MN but I have definalty floated through ease, towards it this time round. I have found being the mother to a small child far easier too going with the flow more.

choclate your comment made me laugh about the 100 times.

Fakebook Thu 03-Oct-13 20:51:56

I like to mix it up a bit. Done combined feeding with both my babies. Done "baby led weaning" (hate that term) and spoon feeding with both. Co-slept with both and breastfed through the night because I'm lazy and didn't want my sleep disturbed. I used to breast feed whilst sleeping.

Tbh, I'd never heard this attachment parenting phrase until I joined MN.

chocolatemartini Thu 03-Oct-13 19:42:31

Another one who does all the AP stuff because I'm a bit lazy and it's the path of least resistance. I have never once even sat up let alone got out of bed for a night feed, I went all over London with dc 1 in his sling, could go anywhere, up & down steps, on crowded buses... While my friends were batch cooking and puréeing I was just chucking bits of my own dinner at him. Extended bf= instant and reliable remedy for tantrums, pains, over stimulation... I'd have to develop a lot more parenting skills without this weapon. I am sometimes judgy about sleep training (although never about weaning styles or transport choices fgs) but more often astonished by the lengths other mums go to to get their dcs to do things at times and in the way that they think is right. Someone was telling me she'd returned her dd to bed over 100 times in one evening to teach him to stay there... Another friend developed an rsi from shh patting. Non AP mums work hard!! But tbh I think most AP types have had a fair amount of criticism aimed at them esp from older relatives and I'm not surprised if they sometimes let rip about how they are right pleased the AP approach works for them

parkin2010 Thu 03-Oct-13 19:41:06

It's because they are sad & have little else going on in their life.

marriedtoamoron Thu 03-Oct-13 19:36:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IfNotNowThenWhen Thu 03-Oct-13 19:03:02

I know what you are saying OP.
When I had dc, I didn't even have tinternet, and I was a bit in denial so hadn't done much reading. I had no friends with kids yet, and so had to struggle with, on the one hand Mum and Aunts and their very 1950's ideas of the Right Way to Do Things,and on the other a non sleeping baby who would only sleep on me for the first couple of months.
(I kept the sleeping on me thing secret from the HV as I was failing to put him on his back!)
Anyway, muddled along (baby bjorn and outward facing pram, mix feeding, cot for half the night, my bed after the night feed because he wouldn't settle) until I started going to a toddler group, and met some women who astounded me with their martyrdom and smuggery, because I genuinely didn't know that "parenting" could be a verb..
Playpens were bad, buggies were bad, SPOONS were bad FGS!
One of them became a friend of mine, but God was she invested in the whole "family bed", BLW stuff. The problem was, she was sooo grumpy all the time, as she never got any sleep (or sex!) and actually never seemed to have much fun with her kids, probably as she was so exhausted.
I certainly would never claim to have all the answers, and would love to do it all again, now I know what I am doing (I was soo clueless) but there IS a certain breed of Attachment parent that makes me roll my eyes because trying to stick religiously to ONE style of doing things no matter what kind of is like saying that anything else is just wrong, and damaging to the child, which is bollocks.

Goldenbear Sat 06-Jul-13 21:57:58

I personally didn't subscribe to any particular style of 'parenting', especially prior to having my 1st child but once my DS arrived I knew that I didn't think it was right to do CC or CIO as to me it didn't seem to prioritise the baby's needs. My DS went to bed in his own bed but woke up in ours until he was about 4. My DD co slept as she would breast feed from 3 -7 in the morning until I stopped breast feeding at 22 months. I can't say that I did it to make my life easier as the co sleeping gets quite uncomfortable as they get bigger and the placating of a toddler with a breast doesn't give the effort enough credit. I know as DS stopped breast feeding at 4.5 months and in no way did it require as much energy to stick a bottle in the baby's mouth, for a start other people could do it!

IMO it is a lot harder carrying a baby around the house in a sling and doing chores than just having them contently watch you in a chair. I had a couple of slings but was always much keener for DD to be in the swinging chair as despite believing in the principles of the closeness of AP it was too much like hard work to actually do it all of the time. Plus, I found it draining in that DD just wanted to feed all of the time.

However, I was wrong in my last post to say it is ever right to be 'smug' as it is not. My point was just that I think a lot of it is harder to carry out than say doing textbook Supernanny methods.

tholeon Sat 06-Jul-13 18:30:51

Have I pad. Can mumsnet while holding toddler's hand as they fall asleep... Fab.

Haven't read whole thread, but generally against judgyness either way on this type of thing, reckon you need to come up with best approach to whole family.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Jul-13 16:23:01

That is why you should take out of books the bits that suit you. If you find it harder then they obviously don't suit you, or come naturally.

marfisa Sat 06-Jul-13 16:00:41

Oops, x-posted with k8middleton!

marfisa Sat 06-Jul-13 16:00:00

Are you joking, goldenbear? I fell into AP parenting out of sheer laziness. Keeping the baby in bed? Easier than trying to get him to fall asleep on his own. Extended breastfeeding? An easy way to calm down a frustrated toddler.

If I had a better, less self-centred parenting approach then my DC would definitely be out of my bed and weaned off my breast by now. wink

Parenting is all about what works for your DC and you. (shrug)

K8Middleton Sat 06-Jul-13 15:58:18

Ffs if doing stuff that people label as AP was harder I certainly wouldn't be doing it! I do things the way I do because it is easier. If I had a baby who didn't like it or it was disrupting my family I would do something else.

But I've never read a parenting book except the Rapley BLW one (I read the introduction and the page about foods not to be given to babies then wondered how she'd spin it out to a whole book!) so being a martyr about this stuff has passed me by because I haven't read that bit wink I only found out I do AP-typical stuff from reading it on here!

Anyone who deliberately makes parenting harder for themselves without considerable and actual benefits for either parent or child is bonkers. Why would you make it harder? It's hard enough already!

Sirzy Sat 06-Jul-13 15:50:01

Well done goldenbear, your post managed to sum up why people have issues with the nature of some AP parents because they think they are superior to others.

I do agree with cat that a good nights sleep is vital for children. For DS co-sleeping would guarantee an even worse than normal sleep

catgirl1976 Sat 06-Jul-13 15:29:58

I did CC for the sake of DS as well as myself and DH as he wasn't getting enough sleep. Sleep being hugely important for his development

You could equally (badly) argue (and I wouldn't as I don't judge how other people parent) that parents who don't CC a because they find the thought / practice too difficult (and it is) and would rather let their DC go without proper sleep than put themselves through a difficult few nights.

But you'd be a twunt to make such an argument, whichever "style" of parenting you subscribe to, wouldn't you?

exoticfruits Sat 06-Jul-13 14:25:34

Exactly YouTheCat- if you want to do it and it suits you, and more importantly your child, then just get on with it.
The irritation comes from the idea that it is superior or harder work- parents don't get medals for effort!

YouTheCat Sat 06-Jul-13 14:14:36

Golden that is bollocks.

Anyone who wants to label themselves and be smug is a twat. Parenting is hard work whatever way you do it.

Goldenbear Sat 06-Jul-13 12:02:55

YABU, in that to some extent I think APs have more of a right to be smug as it takes a lot more hardwork, effort to practice what you preach. Take for example CCing, it is done to end the sleep deprivation that the parents are experiencing, co sleeping, especially when they're older, is not exactly a great nights sleep but often parents do it for the sake of the children. Wearing a sling is for the child's benefit as opposed to a baby that has learnt to accept the bouncy chair, enabling their parents to get on with things without having a baby attached to them.

I don't think the opposite of AP style if you want to call it that is on a par with AP efforts and in that sense they are not equal choices IMO.

I am not saying this as someone who has practiced all these wholesome approaches. For instance, the one I find tricky is constantly providing wholesome snacks and limiting 'treats'.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Jul-13 22:57:17

That is why I never had a birth plan- you haven't had a baby before so you can't possibly know what you want! You think you know what you might want, but you have to be ready to adapt. Same once the baby arrives.

Sirzy Fri 05-Jul-13 19:42:15

I agree Cat - I can't imagine any parent not changing views in some way after having had children, moreso after they have had more than one I would think!

books, parenting styles and other things may provide you with ideals but life doesn't work to ideals!

catgirl1976 Fri 05-Jul-13 19:41:53

It shocked me grin

He had a mind of his own from minute one and didn't want to fit into any of my naive ideas about how children should be raised

Mind you - I probably set the tone when I told the midwife I didn't give a stuff if it said I wanted to breathe my baby out on my birth plan whilst listening to whale song and having a relaxing shoulder massage with organic lentil oil, I wanted an fucking epidural NOW. grin

exoticfruits Fri 05-Jul-13 19:34:46

I can say that it was my biggest shock as a parent. I truly believed they were a blank sheet - I had not realised they had a mind of their own. I was very proud of DS at 24hrs old- the midwife said that 'all babies liked being swaddled'- he wasn't having it! He struggled and struggled and he got his arms out!
There is no harm in reading books as long as you wait and see if it is going to work with your DC.

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