Who was being unreasonable? Me or the old lady?

[RumersHasIt]

Earlier today i was in the town centre with 5yo dd (high functioning autism) standing at a bus stop waiting to come home.

My phone went, i answered it. It was an important phone call so i made 'shushing' gestures to dd. She was fine for a minute chattering to herself, but then she asked me a question. I just nodded in agreement, not hearing what she'd asked, and then she started crying and stamping her feet yelling at me I was supposed to have said no...

Anyway. I'm used to her overreacting like this when people don't talk/walk/move/breathe in the way she would like them to, so i kept a firm hold of her hand and ignored her. All the while, continuing with my phone call.

DD got even more frustrated. She started hitting me. Again i ignored it. But then an old lady came to the bus stop and i saw her crouch down to dd and tell her off for hitting me.

I asked the person on the phone if i could call back, they said no, so i quietly whispered to the old lady that i was just choosing to ignore dd, so could she please do the same.

But the old lady seemed appalled with this and said she has to be taught respect and manners blah blah blah.

DD got even more upset, but finally stopped hitting. I was trying to wrap up the phone call as quickly as i could.

meanwhile, the old lady was still telling off dd. Telling her that big girls don't cry, and she's all blotchy and ugly when she cries, and that the policeman will take her away if she ever hits me again.

Finally, i got away from the phone call. It lasted about three minutes. DD was hysterical again. The old lady then told me off for 'choosing my phone over my child'. I explained that dd's tempers are common and just part of our daily routine. I've learned to fit life around them. I can't let everything come to a standstill whenever she kicks off. And that if the old lady had ignored her - like i'd asked her to - then she would have calmed down more quickly.

The woman then said something along the lines of 'I'd hate to imagine what you were like at that age' and then buggered off.

So. It's kind of been eating away at me since i came home. Who was BU?

[MalcolmTuckersMum]

Well she was obviously for not keeping her thoughts where they belong - in the darkest recesses of what's left of her mind. However, you probably should have ended the call and tried to stop the tantrum if at all possible. But her unreasonableness trumps yours so YANBU

[EndoplasmicReticulum]

She was. She should not have interfered, particularly when you had asked her not to.

My children always start fighting when I try and make a phone call, I have to ignore them or I'd never ring anybody.

[JedwardScissorhands]

YANBU. Who in their right mind intervenes in a parenting situation, unless a child is in immediate danger?

[Hrrrm]

The person on the phone was unreasonable for not letting you call back later.

Other lady was massively unreasonable. You just don't do that with other people's children, especially if the parents tell you not to do something. Mental. I'd have been so angry.

[mosp]

Maybe she thought she was being helpful????
However, I understand why you were upset and she definitely ended up being rude!!
I hate when people poke their noses on when they have NO idea of the background facts! Grr

[Scrubber]

She was being unreasonable but I imagine it looked bad from her POV. She probably didn't know the first thing about autism. I can understand why you're angry though.

[pianodoodle]

At first she was trying to help I guess but after you asked her to ignore that's when it became unreasonable and interfering.

Must be very hard having people judge like that when they know nothing about your situation :( You can't be expected to have to justify yourself to every stranger who passes comment though so I'd try and forget about it x

[Teeb]

Hmm, I think she probably did overstep the mark in interfering in the way she did. However, I do think when people are in public places they need to appreciate that their actions/reactions have an impact on those around them iyswim? I'd find it unpleasant watching a child being violent and being seen to be ignored over the sake of a phone call.

Ultimately no one can keep you on the other end of the phone other than you, you didn't need to ask their permission to end the call there and then.

[HoppinMad]

Yanbu. None of her business really what your child was doing/saying to you.

endoplasmic why do kids do this?? Mine are the same, and I have to sneak off upstairs for important calls.. (Sorry off topic OP)

[SmiteYouWithThunderbolts]

Well... she couldn't help not knowing that your dd has HFA and that your phone call was important. To her, it quite possibly appeared that your child was just misbehaving while you nattered to a friend about the latest Eastender's plot! Not that that excuses her interfering and persisting in doing so after you asked her to stop.

I'm on the fence, but I think I'm more on the side of YANBU. More than anything, the person on the other end of the phone was BU to not call back later when you asked.

[WorraLiberty]

I think she thought she was being helpful to you.

I was brought up in a time where strangers did this and actually it did tend to work.

I too have been grateful in the past when an older person has reinforced what I've been saying to my kids, if they misbehaved.

But you didn't want her to help out so YANBU

On the other hand, she wasn't to know you child has Autism and that you couldn't hang up the phone.

I would have hung up in your position though, surely the caller could have waited 5 mins til you called back?

[JedwardScissorhands]

The OP told the lady she was ignoring her DD and asked her to do the same. It was acceptable to speak to the DD up until the point she was asked to. Continuing in spite of this was just rude. Autism, and how much she may have known about the condition, is irrelevant. A parenting decision was made, she tried to override it with a stranger's child.

[DesperatelySeekingSedatives]

SWBU it had nothing to do with her and lets face it, wasn't affecting her in any way at all until she interfered.

Had similar with a well meaning older lady few years ago when DD was around 2. Trying to get DD back into her buggy while she threw a massive tantrum in Wilkos. lady comes and gets right in DD's face to tell to "be nice to your mum!" DD clipped her in the jaw with her knee, mid flail. I'm sure the ladt meant well but honestly she simply made it worse AND got hurt herself! best thing a random person ever did for me while my DD was having a tantrum was hold the buggy steady for me so I could strap her into it as it had already tipped twice.

[WorraLiberty]

Actually this could have been the problem... so i quietly whispered to the old lady that i was just choosing to ignore dd, so could she please do the same.

Perhaps she didn't hear the quiet whisper above the tantrum-ing child?

Either way, try to put it out of your mind OP.

There's no point in brooding on it.

[pinkballetflats]

Telling a child she looks ugly fir expressing an emotion and threatening her with the police...and is not even her child? She's an interfering old busy body who can even be bothered to respect a parents directions to please leave their child alone....though I do think you should gave been firmer with your caller.

[fairylightsinthespring]

totally YANBU. I'm dying to have someone pass comment on my parenting as I have a response all worked out - it goes "I'm so sorry, I seem to have forgotten your name, oh, you mean we've never met? I just assumed that no one would be so rude as to pass comment on a stranger's parenting so I must know you. No? Right well then, off you trot...." Or words to that effect

[CloudsAndTrees]

I think you were both equal in your reasonable/unreasonableness.

You have to understand that a child having a crying tantrum where they are actually hitting someone is going to be quite hard to watch, especially when the parent appears to be doing nothing but chat away on the phone. You might be well practiced at ignoring it, but it won't have been pleasant for the other people standing at the bus stop. Old lady has to understand that it's not up to her to parent other people's children, but she was probably trying to be helpful in her own little way.

[trackies]

she was BU. Sometimes you do just have to ignore child and take phonecall. Otherwise you can't get anything done.

Today DS was being really horrible to me at toddler group (i dont like you! you are bad Mummy etc) and it was going on very loudly for a good few mins. So a gran came up to him and told him off and told him that he was being horrible to his Mummy and that he should be nice cos Mummy looks after him. I thanked her, cos she was trying to help and actually relieved to get backup (and he was being really horrible and knows it's wrong)

However, when you have told lady to ignore your child and then she just persists and then comes out with rudeness to you, it strikes me as she's interfering and just wants to have a pop at someone. Not helpful. She was being rude.

[Eyesunderarock]

'DD got even more frustrated. She started hitting me. Again i ignored it. But then an old lady came to the bus stop and i saw her crouch down to dd and tell her off for hitting me. '

This is where it would all have gone horribly wrong with my DS at the same age, and who has AS. He'd have shoved or hit the old lady with this entire body strength to get her out of his face and to destroy the threat.
She was fortunate.
It wouldn't have happened, because I'd never have been able to take a phone call without moving us away from the public and making him sit and occupy himself.
SWBU when you spoke to her and asked her to ignore your DD's behaviour.

[Jan49]

I can see both sides really. It would have looked as if you were unnecessarily on the phone whilst letting your child behave badly. I'd have been horrified if I had seen a child hitting the parent and the parent carrying on their phone conversation. I think the old lady meant well. Also, to some people, ignoring bad behaviour is seen as accepting it.

When my ds was 2, but looked older, (later diagnosed with autism), we were on a bus and he started making little noises. I knew that if I ignored it, he'd quickly stop. But a man on the bus was furious because I appeared to be doing nothing about it and he ranted at me. It was horrible. He wanted me to tell my ds off and smack him. My ds stopped as soon as the man started talking. I didn't answer back as I was worried that it would escalate.

I think it would be nice to live in a society where people did feel free to correct other people's children sometimes - I remember my grandmother telling a child of about 10 to pick up the rubbish that he had thrown down, and he did. It would be nice if it felt safe to do that and if parents were nice about it when you did, but inevitably there are some situations like Rumers' where the stranger makes things worse.

[CrapBag]

I think she was trying to help when she saw a young child hitting their parent and the parent doing nothing but talking on the phone. She didn't know that you had to take the call and she didn't know that your DD has autism either. I have known parents to stand there and do nothing when their child lashes out, and that's when they don't have autism.

However I would never intervene when the parent is there and it isn't something that is affecting me or my children. She also should not have said what she did, so on that basis YANBU.