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to be unhappy that H gave up his job?

(117 Posts)
Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:12:42

Very long story Will keep it short as possible. He is in his second week of no job. I knew he hated his job but never in a million years did i think he would just give a weeks notice. One Friday he said, during a disagreement about something else, that he might hand his notice in on the Monday. I did go a bit berserk. Worried mostly that he won't get another job, mortgage etc. Made it clear i wasn't happy. Sunday spoke about it again, again made it clear. Didn't actually say 'DO NOT DO IT' Monday he text me to say he gave a weeks notice. So now he has been out of work for just over a week.

He has some savings so no immediate financial worry. He has blood pressure problems and was finding work very stressful (but he finds most things stressful....) but actually did nothing to try to help this - more exercise/relaxation time.

I really struggled to come to terms with him just giving up a decent wage. I have tried to 'get past my negativity' and was doing a half decent job of it. We absolutely cannot manage on my wage alone. I have kept my very elderly horse for 20yrs through very hard times (financially) and can't imagine how i Will feel if this unemployment affects that (only possibility if i can no longer care for him is put to sleep)

Last week - first week of no work, i tried and succeeded to some extent, to be supportive. But, i have got home both yesterday and today, after long busy and unpleasant days at work i(i work with homeless people) to find him chirpy, full of it, and having done sod all. Last nights washing up still to be done before i cook. No housework done and constant 'what's wrong?' i don't want to say what's wrong because i thought i would give him a couple of weeks 'off' before starting the new job campaign. For 6 months he has spoken about work to me every night for at least 45 minutes, often more and i have listened. He hasn't listened to me as he has been preoccupied with his own shitty situation. But he can't expect me to be suddenly thrilled after a hard day at work. My job can be challenging to say the least.

We've only been married two months but together 11yrs. I feel let down.

pinkr Fri 05-Jul-13 04:48:10

Sorry...if I were you if be seeking legal advice and not let him blow your savings etc

pinkr Fri 05-Jul-13 04:46:40

If my DH did this there would be no danger of me having sex with him! he needs to learn that in a marriage there are two people and that you have to respect your partner. The job thing is bad and there's nothing more unattractive than a work shy free loader...and the house work etc is the limit. He if selfish and that won't change...please don't have a child with this man. The horse is like a child in that it is completely dependent and relies on you to provide what it needs...he just shit all over that.

AudrinaAdare Thu 04-Jul-13 22:27:08

I was briefly married to one of those special men that it should have been my privilege to look after. He genuinely thought I was unreasonable after having DD that I finally kicked him out when she was six months old.

I got up to her in the night, woke, sorted her out for CM, took a taxi to said CM while he lay snoring (I couldn't drive but I paid for a car for him) paid CM while I worked, picked her up, taxi home to find him on the Playstation with breakfast dishes unwashed.

Funnily enough, he is living with his mother aged almost fifty and taking the piss out of her, having been found guilty of being a useless cocklodger by every woman of his generation that he has been in contact with.

He would work occasionally, to be fair, but it was always too stressful after a couple of weeks, no matter what he was doing. And the CSA have informed me recently that he has taken his first job in over thirteen years since DD was born having being dodging around on this benefit and that all this time. I'll not hold my breath hmm Good luck OP.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 04-Jul-13 21:10:01

Right, get the ads out for a lodger immediately. If he freaks, ask him what his alternative plan for paying the mortgage is. That might jolt him into action.

Triumphoveradversity Thu 04-Jul-13 10:18:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wordfactory Thu 04-Jul-13 09:12:25

I think there are some circumstances where giving up a job is not only valid, but imperative.

If my DH came home tonight and said he couldn't continue, I'd support him all the way. But in context, the man has worked like a trjoan for this family for nearly tweny years. I would accept it was a last resort.

OP, this doesn't seem to be the case for your DH.

He wasn't burnt out, or at the end of his tether. He was just pissed off. In those circumstances he should have looked for another hjob while he was still working.

You need to ask him why he didn't do that.

I'm wondering actually, if he was sacked? Or if he jumped just before he was going to be pushed?

Anyway, you need to explain to him how worried you are for the future. Ask him what his plans are now.

Nottalotta Thu 04-Jul-13 09:02:50

If it came to it i would. I know for a fact H wouldn't be happy with that but if we had to he wouldn't have a choice.

Oh and he is reasonably good looking. Difficult to say this without sounding awful - i thought we were about the same, but apparently people think he's 'done well' (cringe)

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 04-Jul-13 08:54:29

Any chance you could get a lodger in to help pay the mortgage?

Nottalotta Thu 04-Jul-13 08:53:19

Thank you all, i am trying not be all 'yes but.....' in my responses as i really want to take something from this.

His job was not what you would consider stressful. But obviously he found it stressful. My worry is that he is very .....immovable about things when he considers he is doing it right. Regardless of what others think (boss..) In the job he couldn't please the unreasonable boss and found it stressful as he knew that if left to his own devices the business would run smoothly.

aldi thank you for you for your post. I had planned to give him the two or three weeks moping time. And was doing - i haven't given him a list of jobs or asked him to do anything at all. I haven't nagged or moaned. But i'm still worried and he is obviously picking up on it and starts asking me what's wrong. I don't want to start that conversation at this stage but he won't leave it. So i guess we need to have it sooner. And regardless of moving time i don't think its excessive to expect the washing up to be done.

I'm at work now but am going to read through all these pcosts again.

I'm not pregnant.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 04-Jul-13 05:39:08

Yep, I agree with aldi as well. This guy has been talking about how much he hates his job for six months. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision.

I would sit down with him and talk. I KNOW you say you've talked already, but it sounds like you've made it clear that you're pissed off and he's acknowledged that but then 'forgotten' the next day - that's different from having a partner-to-partner "where do we go from here" talk. Which lays out your fears about the mortgage, and the horse, and the resentment about the housework, and hopefully comes to an agreement that, for example: he gets two weeks to decompress BUT has to do the housework in that time, and after that it becomes his full-time job to job-hunt. If he's depressed, he seeks treatment. You need an agreement about what happens if the money runs out. You also need an agreement about who pays for what when he's back in work.

McGeeDiNozzo Thu 04-Jul-13 05:28:21

I agree with aldiwhore, and to some extent also with SolidGoldBrass.

First of all, YANBU to be angry.

But you do not seem to be giving him a chance to decompress. That, I am afraid, I do see as unreasonable.

He felt bad enough about his job that he upped and left with no prospects. That is a tactically very bad move, which, again, I'll say that you're right to be concerned about: but it's also also a very brave one. So, while you may have listened to him for 45 minutes a night for six months, now is not, unfortunately, the time for that support to stop. He quit his job to take a weight off his mind; if that weight is merely replaced by the weight of your anger, then he's basically just swapped one problem for another one, meaning that his decision to quit his job, which was supposed to alleviate stress, has actually achieved sod all. It's within your control to make sure that he gets whatever respite he needs and is able to move on.
If you're not willing to do that, then fine, but don't expect the situation to improve any time soon.

Having said that, SGB asks valid questions, and if the answer to any of those is less than satisfactory, then you can ignore every word I've just said. If you haven't already.

Oblomov Thu 04-Jul-13 05:13:55

My dh is a Manager and seems to lose his job every 1.5-2 yrs. It is truely awful.
I'm sure another of these times, is about to present itself soon, (I can just feel it in my bones).
Dh hates job searching. Whereas I always enjoy it when I have to do it. But he has to. He has a list of all websites, and goes throrugh them.
He does also do all the cooking and cleaning. Guilt, I guess.

But, when he is out of work, it is a very painfull and stressful time.

Some hard talks are what is requirted right now, for Op's dh. Tell him, calmly but firmly, what you expect and that this is just not on. Whatever you do, don't lose your cool. If you do, you have lost before you even begin.
Hope you get this sorted, soon OP.

LessMissAbs Thu 04-Jul-13 04:57:01

Sorry should read STILL holding down a full time job!

LessMissAbs Thu 04-Jul-13 04:56:14

Oh and op, prioritise your own health. If you were in papworth last week, stop holding down a full time job and are obviously stressed and worried sick due to his self inflicted unemployment, this man is not good for you and could affect your health very badly over time.

Congratulations on keeping a horse healthy to such a good age, and long may the horse's retirement continue!

LessMissAbs Thu 04-Jul-13 04:52:42

I agree that the timing of this is related to your getting married. From how you describe his behaviour, he actually sounds quite pleased with himself.

Its also very odd that you feel unable to communicate your annoyance and financial worries to him. Well at least you are communicating it, but not verbally, and he is choosing not to listen.

You almost sound in awe of him, lest you annoy him and he leaves you. As a poster above suggested, I wonder if he is very good looking and considers this makes up for his lack of earning. Its funny though how men become unattractive when they cannot support themselves.

Tbh, given his employment history and current feckless behaviour, and that he is not some high earning over stressed manager, you might as well save yourself time and start the wheels of divorce in motion, on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. Also get the house on the market.

He's either not going to change and do this again and again, or serving divorce papers will give him the wake up call he needs.

Also start adding up how much he is costing you from now on. I dont believe you have asked for the services of a house husband, or indeed need them, so this is not to be taken as some kind of payback by him.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 04-Jul-13 01:25:39

Given he has a history of parasitism, I'd be interested to know a little bit more about his tewwible howwible job that he had to pack in. Was it something with an inbuilt high distress factor such as dealing with violent/traumatised/mentally ill/dead or dying clients? Was it physically more than usually dangerous? Was there a bully or a culture of bullying in the workplace?

Or was he being 'stressed and upset' by such unreasonable demands as being expected to turn up on time and do some actual work while he was in the workplace?

SingingSilver Thu 04-Jul-13 00:07:00

While he's not working, he should absolutely be in charge of the bulk of housework and cooking. If I were in your shoes I would go on strike domestically, even if it means taking his clothes out of the wm to wash only yours, and heating up a ready meal for one instead of cooking for you both - just until he understands that you shouldn't have to carry the full weight by yourself.

MysteriousHamster Wed 03-Jul-13 23:48:54

OP, just wanted to check - you said you were waiting for your cycle to come back - is there any chance you could be pregnant now? Because of course you would ovulate before your first period.

aldiwhore Wed 03-Jul-13 23:29:31

Firstly I understand your anger, frustration and fear.

Second.... may take longer. When I was 10 my dad 'gave up his job', he was a director in a big corporation, Mum was a part time 'something' (her career was in radiology but she'd given it up/taken a break because of Dad's job - rightly so, from a 'pot o money' point of view) it came out of the blue for us kids (again rightly so, why heap worry on us) but I suspect that after months and months of my Dad stressing and (badly) vocalising his Distress, suddenly Dad was unemployed.

My dad is a good man, who reached his limit FAR before he handed in his notice.

Anyway. Mum gave him a month to 'de-stress' and he did the garden, and played darts, went fishing and was utterly miserable.

He then got another job.

Here's the relevant stuff. Mum really DID allow him (what she called) Healing Time. He's a good man, a provider, he loved us kids (still does) but he'd reached his limit. He needed his healing time (Mum refers to it as moping time, he did fuck all around the house during this time which must have really pissed my mum off...)

End of story - he eventually got another job. We as a family moved 250miles from home (I was 15, not to be recommended) and started over. It was difficult, major sacrifices had to be made, my mother's frustrations and worries were completely valid BUT... looking back, we all acknowledge that although it was shit for all of us, my Dad simply would not be here now if he hadn't walked. He's a Yorkshireman, proud, strong, a fervent provider, a work addict (so long as the family are ok) and if he walked, we have to trust that it really was a make or break situation.

Your DH has left his job, and that's not easy. Not if you have any pride. You're right to take the stance that this isn't acceptable, BUT... you're a couple, and sometimes you have to soak up the shit of the other and life doesn't work to order. Telling him you're pissed off every time you see him adds no value, nagging him to get work adds none either. If you can mange for a couple of months, then dig deep and manage. He will also not turn into a perfect housewife overnight, especially give the circumstances.

Roll with it. Live to necessity only. If you have no children, and you do have an old horse, what is it that makes you not be able to manage? Outgoings? Slash them. If you cannot survive on just your wage AND keep the horse/child (I mean that respectfully, your horse is important and you can't just get rid) then you need to show your DH the facts... move home, somewhere smaller, somewhere that can be supported on just your wage alone, somewhere that he has no say until he earns.

YANBU in your worry. YABU to think he should just put up and shut up. Shit happens. Believe me it happens big. May as well accept it.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Jul-13 23:10:28

Then you need to tell him to fuck right off

I don't see where else this is leading, tbh

Roshbegosh Wed 03-Jul-13 23:04:00

Well give him a grumpy look then and say everything is fine.

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 23:00:35

I know i need to speak to him but to be honest i HAVE spoken to him, not in the last few days, but i HAVE made it perfectly clear how i feel which is why it infuriated me when he starts the 'what's wrong' crap So i have to tell him again, and again? Everytime i'm feeling pissed off, or upset or just bloody fed up with it all?

StuntGirl Wed 03-Jul-13 22:53:19

I agree you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel.

Roshbegosh Wed 03-Jul-13 22:51:02

Ffs stop all the being grumpy. He won't get it. SPEAK to him.

Nottalotta Wed 03-Jul-13 22:46:06

It did happen. He was just finishing it when i got home at 7.15pm. And he had bought me a dvd which he left in the place where my post goes. Trying to make casual conversation with me. It only serves to not miss me off further though rather than make anything better.
I don't know if he's trying to wind me up. Cap at communication as i am, i have made it clear that i am upset and angry. I think because i managed to put it to the back of my mind at the weekend he stupidly thought that was 'it' and was somewhat surprised to find me grumpy again.

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