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to be unhappy that H gave up his job?

(117 Posts)
Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 20:12:42

Very long story Will keep it short as possible. He is in his second week of no job. I knew he hated his job but never in a million years did i think he would just give a weeks notice. One Friday he said, during a disagreement about something else, that he might hand his notice in on the Monday. I did go a bit berserk. Worried mostly that he won't get another job, mortgage etc. Made it clear i wasn't happy. Sunday spoke about it again, again made it clear. Didn't actually say 'DO NOT DO IT' Monday he text me to say he gave a weeks notice. So now he has been out of work for just over a week.

He has some savings so no immediate financial worry. He has blood pressure problems and was finding work very stressful (but he finds most things stressful....) but actually did nothing to try to help this - more exercise/relaxation time.

I really struggled to come to terms with him just giving up a decent wage. I have tried to 'get past my negativity' and was doing a half decent job of it. We absolutely cannot manage on my wage alone. I have kept my very elderly horse for 20yrs through very hard times (financially) and can't imagine how i Will feel if this unemployment affects that (only possibility if i can no longer care for him is put to sleep)

Last week - first week of no work, i tried and succeeded to some extent, to be supportive. But, i have got home both yesterday and today, after long busy and unpleasant days at work i(i work with homeless people) to find him chirpy, full of it, and having done sod all. Last nights washing up still to be done before i cook. No housework done and constant 'what's wrong?' i don't want to say what's wrong because i thought i would give him a couple of weeks 'off' before starting the new job campaign. For 6 months he has spoken about work to me every night for at least 45 minutes, often more and i have listened. He hasn't listened to me as he has been preoccupied with his own shitty situation. But he can't expect me to be suddenly thrilled after a hard day at work. My job can be challenging to say the least.

We've only been married two months but together 11yrs. I feel let down.

frillyflower Tue 02-Jul-13 21:06:24

He is lazy. If he was depressed he wouldn't be 'full of it' when you got in from work.

Poor you. I would be furious if my husband was at home in the day and didnt clean up and cook dinner for when I got in from work. It's basic kindness apart from anything else.

Stick to the horse and get rid of the lazy man. He sounds awful.

QuintessentialOldDear Tue 02-Jul-13 21:07:20

You are better off with a good old horse than a husband like that.

At least the horse cannot accidentally get you pregnant. Now, in your current circumstances, that would be real disaster. Sorry!

CloudsAndTrees Tue 02-Jul-13 21:08:48


That's why he needs the kick up the arse.

Be angry with him for good reason, but remember that he may have been very close to the edge of what he can cope with when he left work. Then turn your anger into proactivity and make it a mission to make him get another job.

Jaffalemon Tue 02-Jul-13 21:13:01

Bloody hell Clouds i just laughed so loudly reading your lick up the backside i frightened Dh grin

Xales Tue 02-Jul-13 21:17:17

Sit down and talk with him and tell him he is being very unfair.

If he doesn't change then get yourself something to eat on the way home. A sandwich/salad. If he can't be bothered to even clean the house ready for cooking don't bother yourself.

Get back to the Dr and get your contraception sorted out as soon as possible.

StuntGirl Tue 02-Jul-13 21:21:40

I agree, contraception now!!

He has been very selfish. I have been on the brink with an old job which made me utterly miserable, but I sorted out a new job before I left. I couldn't in all conscience have put my family through the worry of no money.

What is is plan? To stay off until his savings run out? To have 'x' amount of time off and then start looking? To do bugger all? He needs to have some kind of idea of what his next move is.

CloudsAndTrees Tue 02-Jul-13 21:22:00


Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 21:26:08

Sorry to add another dimension...i am 36 this yr. Hence coming off the contraception. I think too practically and worry a lot about how we Will cope. My 'cycle' hasn't returned yet, and the Dr won't let me go on the pill. I guess i could threaten condoms, that should work as well as anything!

pointythings Tue 02-Jul-13 21:28:54

YY to no condoms = no sex. You should not be having babies with this man, when there are children you need to be an equal partnership more than ever and right now he is relying on you to carry him. That will not change until he gets kicked into gear. <checks for typos> <breathes sigh of relief>

ZillionChocolate Tue 02-Jul-13 21:35:38

Er, don't threaten condoms, insist on them!

When he says "what's wrong?" You can explain that you're disappointed to come home to chores when he's been home all day. That's it for starters.

hermioneweasley Tue 02-Jul-13 21:38:33

Agree about getting back on contraception straight away (though I doubt you're having very romantic feelings right now).

It seems like you have different values about work, responsibility and money, which will make a marriage really hard (surprised you've survived 11 years). What sort of person would sit around all day and then watch the person the are supposed to love come home from work and then start clearing up and cooking? I truly cannot compute that selfish behaviour.

Pick a time when you can speak calmly, but do speak to him, otherwise you are going to snap and have a big argument and you won't get your point across so clearly.

badbelinda Tue 02-Jul-13 21:39:04

Come in from work,sit down and ask "what's for dinner?"

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 21:46:49

That's my worry hermione but you are all right, we do need to talk.

I think i would get a blank look badbelinda....

complexnumber Tue 02-Jul-13 21:52:10


Southeastdweller Tue 02-Jul-13 21:52:20

What most others are saying - get the contraception sorted and have an honest talk with him.

I don't blame you for being so angry. Not at all. He's downright lazy and selfish. Does he think jobs come down from the sky like raindrops? Not know that it's ten times easier to get a new job when you're already in one? confused

Wishing you lots of luck.

pleiadianpony Tue 02-Jul-13 22:06:33

Nottalotta I hope you can get it sorted. I can totally understand why you are furious!

Horse comes first. If horse isn't a priority for DH then he HAS to accept that it is for you and that you come as a package. He is not a dependent, he is responsible for himself and you as a family. (whether he likes it or not, horse is part of the family)

But .. IF he has enough savings to cover the mortgage for a little while AND the skills and experience to guarantee he will get another job, let him have a break. 2 or three days 2 be miserable and lazy and then he needs to get on with finding another job.

If he is a serial unemployed person who has no sticking power and always an excuse then you might need a rething.

Nottalotta. I frequently remind my DH (when need to) that without my horse i'd probably be dead and we would have nothing at all. So suck it up or bugger off!!

Nanny0gg Tue 02-Jul-13 22:14:54

You also can't take the risk of him doing this again when you're pregnant.

You need a very clear chat...

Nottalotta Tue 02-Jul-13 22:36:47

This is the problem. He doesn't have a great employment history. I do, and i would worry about getting another job on the same salary.

He has savings for 6or so months. Which makes me think there Will be no sense of urgency. I deal with homeless people on a daily basis, and i don't just mean the ones living in a box. I mean the families with children, or people my parents age, who have lost jobs, or had some other catastrophe which meant they couldn't pay their rent or mortgage. I tell them 'sorry, we can house you and your children, but not your 18 yr old cat or your family dog' ire i tell them 'you gave up your job and now you can't pay your mortgage? You have a two bed house when you are just a couple? Sorry, no help to be had here'

We do need to talk, when i am feeling less upset and more rational. He has accused me of over reacting and losing perspective. (during the first few days)

Southeastdweller Tue 02-Jul-13 22:50:19

I doubt he would have quit had he not had the savings back up (which by the way I would be angry for him using as a get out clause, as it were - in my book savings are only for either nice things/a big thing/or an absolute emergency).

pleiadianpony Tue 02-Jul-13 22:59:17

Sounds like you have different values. I always have a contingency and the only time have been out of work is when pregnant or for a brief time while seriously depressed (even then i have 99% of the time ploughed through to keep the bills paid)

I think all you can do is step back and watch what happens over the next few months. See what he does.

Don't worry about the biological clock. 36 really isn't that old. I am same age as you and just pregnant with 1st. Doctor laughed and said i had 'years' of fertility left when i went in with fertility worries last year. A few months of putting it off won't hurt. It will also relieve some of the inevitable stress trying for a baby will involve.

I hope you manage to find a way through and to talk to him. Enjoy your horse and your work in the meantime.

I am in a similar job to you and miss it now i am on maternity leave. I also miss being able to ride my horse and do all the things i did with him before i was pregnant. I'm also shitting myself about how our finances are going to look in 9 months time and waiting for DH to say 'if you didn't have that bloody horse' ! But hey, cross that bridge.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 03-Jul-13 00:19:33

Nottalotta, can I just ask, after being together for 11 years, why did the two of you get married now? What was the catalyst for that? It's just that, this man felt entitled to be kept by his parents - I am wondering if he feels similarly entitled to be kept by a wife. The timing just set my alarms off - together 11 years, married two months, jacks job in. Sorry for my cynicism, but I find the timing suspicious.

Also, why do you feel the need to 'get past [your] negativity'? And would I be correct to assume that this is his phrase and not yours, seeing as how he "has accused [you] of over reacting and losing perspective"? (Your perspective is fine, BTW. His is screwed to fuck.)

Why are you "trying, really trying, not to be bloody grumpy" ? Grumpiness is absolutely natural in this situation, and he should be bloody grateful if grumpy is as bad as you get. I'd be absolutely ready to kill!

I really think you should not be so understanding/supportive. I'm actually wondering why you feel that you have to be, and I'm not liking the answers popping into my admittedly cynical head. He's fucked up. The onus is on him to fix it, not loll around being all chirpy and expecting you to wait on him hand and foot. You should not "give him a couple of weeks 'off' before starting the new job campaign." He's already into his second week and looking very comfortable not looking for a new job. I suspect he would be very, very comfortable with never looking. I also suspect that you suspect that too sad.

And please, please reinstate contraception. But you already know that sad.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 03-Jul-13 03:08:38

I find the timing extremely interesting too, WhereYouLeftIt. Just gets married, jacks in his job then sits of the sofa waiting for the servant wife to come in and clean and cook for him. He wants to crack on with kids? Tell him you won't consider having kids with a voluntarily unemployed bum.

BTW I got pregnant VERY quickly after coming off the injection while older than you. Be careful.

MammaTJ Wed 03-Jul-13 03:46:28

I actually left my first husband because of these issues. Iwas in a job I hated. He kept just giving up jobs and doing so without another job to go to.

He rang me one day, just as I was about to hand my notice in to start another more satisfying job, to tell me he was giving up what had previously been his perfect job. I told him if he left that job, I would be leaving him. He still left, so so did I, that very night.

I think the fact that him leaving his job coincides with you having married him two months ago means he now thinks you will continue to support him no matter what. He needs to know you expect him to support you.

That starts immediately, with him doing housework and cooking.

DolomitesDonkey Wed 03-Jul-13 04:42:47

Time to stop dicking around. In case anyone hasn't pointed it out to you yet, you're 36 and don't have children - yet you want them.

If this isn't the man for you then you need to move on and find one who is ticking more boxes.

Or, you find a solution for this relationship. It's a bit of a red herring saying "suck it up, I have to pay livery" because you say your husband has quite serious health problems - bit daft to send him off to a job which will result in a heart attack which kills him.

What's it going to be then? Work through this as a couple to find the kind of solution which will give you both the future you need, or ditch him?

You don't have another 11 years to fuck around.

titzup Wed 03-Jul-13 05:08:49

This is an awful situation! Everything about it is wrong and you have every right to be furious IMO. At the very least I would expect him to have the house spick and span and dinner sorted! >sad why should it be your 'mission' to find him a job - you have a job, you are still looking after the house, he has NOTHING else to do.

DON'T sacrifice your chance of children or beloved horse for this lazy selfish man sad

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