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To leave a 'friends' house after watching him hit his 9 year old.... V hard

(146 Posts)
Yummyummy Tue 02-Jul-13 18:36:02

20 stone bloke, after about 10 beers and a few spirits..... His daughter caught his foot by accident running by, he turned round and walked over to her and absolutely belted her across her bare thigh ( she was in a vest top and shorts)

Me dh and our dc walked calmly to the door, dh said he didn't feel comfortable with what we just witnessed , we r leaving and we drive home 40 miles even though we should have stayed over.

Now receiving emails asking why we havent been in touch since and how we should apologise for leaving and questioning him in his own house.

He's getting even angrier that we haven't responded so far. Coming through thick and fast and I am actually a tiny bit concerned thinking if he could hit his child like this ten what is he capable of?

Not sure how to deal with this :/ don't want to any ANY fuel

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Tue 02-Jul-13 22:54:47

I'm not going to give you a hard time about walking out the way you did. You and your kids were scared (I bloody would have been too!) you got them out of danger, you protected them which is obviously what you're meant to do as their mum.

Please phone either NSPCC or police about this, if only for advice. He's already threatening you by the sound of it. He will keep doing so while he can get away with it. Do you want to live your lives like that? It's no way to live. The police can and will help you. They can and will get to you in a lot less than 38minutes if anything was to happen to you, I'm sure of it! (hello, they can break the speed limit you know!) They can help you AND this little girl and her family.

If you dont phone up for the little girls sake do so for your own DC's sakes.

kotinka Tue 02-Jul-13 22:56:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunaticFringe Tue 02-Jul-13 22:56:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Jul-13 23:09:37

Just out of interest, how well did you and your family know them before ? Where did this friendship arise from ? You were originally going to stay over, weren't you ?

You have usually spent a fair amount of time in someone's company before getting to this point

Are they related to you ? Is this why you seem reluctant to take any action ?

SinisterBuggyMonth Tue 02-Jul-13 23:55:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sashh Wed 03-Jul-13 07:54:10

what blackbirdatglanmore said. My thighs were often red for doing nothing and only my grandmother ever said anything.

A friend walking out would have mortified my mother.

pigletmania Wed 03-Jul-13 08:01:22

I would have walked out but not before telling him his beaviour was out of order

candyandyoga Wed 03-Jul-13 08:37:44

Please call the police please

10storeylovesong Wed 03-Jul-13 11:47:18

If an incident is classed as a grade 1 (potential danger to life, limb or property) the police must be there within 10 minutes. Response police officers do not sit in the station and work 24 hours (none of this nonsense about whether local station is open or not, you don't see what goes on behind the scenes). They will more than likely be closer to you than you think.

Once you have reported this you become a witness, so any further contact becomes witness intimidation (be that email or physical contact). This is very serious and would actually get him into more trouble than the original assault. Police can help by doing target hardening on your address (IF IT IS DEEMED NECESSARY BY THE NATURE OF HIS CONTACT) such as firebrigade round to put blocks on letter boxes etc. They can also put intel on your address and link it to phone numbers etc, so if the worst were to happen they could very quickly identify your address.

In all honesty though, the majority of the time bully's like this are more than happy to take it out on a child and not someone who could stick up for themselves - as he did on the night. He knows he is in the wrong and is now shitting himself, hence the emails. I have dealt with a lot of cases like this, and so far there has been no physical retaliation at all (maybe a couple of texts, Facebook messages or snipes at the school gates which are easily remedied).

Wrt to the mother, I suspect the reason she did nothing is that he has probably suffered from DV herself at some point (yes I know I'm surmising). She sounds too scared to do anything herself. Are you good enough friends to speak to her privately and offer some support?

allmycats Wed 03-Jul-13 11:55:14

I would tell them straight out why you left and why you will not be having any more to do them. I would also report him to the police and social services. if he behaves like this in front of other people what on earth does he do in private ?

aldiwhore Wed 03-Jul-13 11:59:06

You need to tell him why you left.

In no uncertain terms. See what his response is.

I am not sure I would report him, I think it very much depends on what he's usually like, did it seem to you that this was something that came naturally? It's hard to judge, so perhaps it is better that you leave the judgement to the authorities.

Oscalito Wed 03-Jul-13 12:16:57

10storeylovesong gives good advice.

I agree that a bully who hits a child and sends bullying emails is actually a coward. He knows he's in the wrong and is trying to make you feel like the unreasonable ones - he's probably not at all used to being confronted, especially 'in his own home' where it seems he follows his own rules completely.

Good luck with phoning someone and getting advice.

Eyesunderarock Wed 03-Jul-13 12:22:08

You do realise that if the OP had tried to evacuate the the other children and the wife, then the wife could have turned on her as well, along with the children? It's not as easy as the champion on a white horse scenario some of you envisage. The wife may well be a victim of DV or abuse, and passive in the face of it, but if her family is threatened she might respond in a hostile manner to her 'rescuers'
Police officers often find themselves being clobbered by both adults when they intervene in a DV incident.
OP, you did well to walk out, but you need to contact outside authorities now.

Dorange Wed 03-Jul-13 12:36:14

nobody ever suggested OP tried to evacuate the wife and her kids
my suggestion and what I would have done was to confront him (sending the kids to bedroom first) and let him dig his own grave...things scalate/call police immediately.
I very much doubt the bully would harm the OP and her husband and their children.......
And why on earth they are socializing with him anyway and being happily there while he is getting drunk and nasty.....?
There is more to this story and I hope OP see some sense for the sake of those kids

LaGuardia Wed 03-Jul-13 13:28:14

If he is prepared to assault her like that in front of witnesses, what on earth is he doing to her in private. For god's sake, report him.

lemonmuffin Wed 03-Jul-13 13:45:54

What is it that people think is going to happen; if the OP 'reports' this man?

10storeylovesong Wed 03-Jul-13 15:11:18

With regards to a police prosecution, possibly nothing. However, this would be brought to attention of child protection services who would then keep a much closer eye on the family. Additional support will be offered. The father would be aware that this behaviour is unacceptable and will have consequences. The child and mother would also know that there is help available and they don't have to put up with it.

This could have been the first incident of this type, it could have been one of many. The police and Ss will conduct a risk assessment and ask questions of all involved.

If nothing else the Op is being harassed which is an offence in itself.

What will be achieved by not reporting...?

LouiseSmith Wed 03-Jul-13 17:18:22

I would have remove myelf and my family from there home, and called the police from the car.

Where was the childs mother?

Dorange Wed 03-Jul-13 17:32:50

even if OP report now, it's going go be her word against his, I doubt the mother will go against her husband now, she is probably afraid.


10storeylovesong Wed 03-Jul-13 18:20:35

The majority of DV prosecutions are one word against the other due to the fact it takes place behind closed doors.

shewhowines Wed 03-Jul-13 18:50:58

Op I think a lot of people would feel exactly like you and would also be scared to do more. I think those people will be lurking and are unlikely to post because it goes against the flow of posts here. We all know what we should do. It takes a very brave person to actually do it.

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