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AIBU to expect school to change DD class so she can be with friends?

(274 Posts)
oreocookiez Tue 02-Jul-13 17:33:35

DD due to go up to senior school in September, she has been in the same friendship group with 3 other girls since infant school...senior school have put the other 3 in one class and my DD in another. She is really upset and so are her friends.
DD has had a very emotional year, problems with ex husband emotionally abusing her, his GF was nothing but a complete bitch to her, in the end she stopped visiting him. It destroyed her confidence and she was a very quiet little girl for a while. This last term she has really perked up and has been getting back some of her confidence.
Letter from senior school arrived last Thursday with the class allocations in and she has been an emotional mess since, some of it hormones I expect but some of it rejection and knowing she will be the only one of her 4 friends in another class.
Phoned senior school and spoke to head of year 7, he was nice and said he understood and would see what he could do. He phoned back and said after discussing it with the deputy head he was not able to move her to the other class.
Rang and spoke to her (she was such an old bag), refused to listen to my point of view told me to make a complaint if I wasnt happy with her answer, Said it would do DD good to make more friends and that I was being over the top. Was flippant and rude, talked over me several times (I wanted to throttle her), she refused to move her point blank.
Transition day tomorrow DD not wanting to go in as she is so upset, back to hiding under her bed feeling sad and rejected...... Do I take her in or keep her at home.....????
Phoned Ed Authority who advised me to make a formal complaint in writing to the head teacher and then if that didnt work to make a complaint to the governers of the school.
I feel so angry they wouldnt listen am at a loss what to do tomorow....

HeySoulSister Tue 02-Jul-13 17:35:46

It will only be for registration!!

They all go off to different classes and lessons, where she might share some with various friends


quip Tue 02-Jul-13 17:36:56

Yabu it'll not matter by half term

ParadiseChick Tue 02-Jul-13 17:37:25

You take her in.

Shit as our is she'll get over it.

ShatnersBassoon Tue 02-Jul-13 17:38:19

YABU. Tutor group allocations aren't going to make or break friendships.

DragonMamma Tue 02-Jul-13 17:38:38

YABU to not even give it a go before asking to move her.

I'm sure a lot of kids have similar problems and they can't start taking requests for certain classes from everybody.

Caitycat Tue 02-Jul-13 17:38:50

It's a difficult one as schools usually like to mix up friendships a bit but in my school we always ask children for one friend they would like to be with so in your dd's situation it would be two of them in one class and probably the other three in a different one. I think it is a bit unfair for her to be left the odd one out especially as she is quite vulnerable at the moment and I would be worried that the deputy is not listening to the background information you're providing as this sort of thing needs to be known in case of future problems. I think I would complain in your position.

Ragwort Tue 02-Jul-13 17:39:05

Sorry, but I really think you have to send her into school and try and be positive about the whole thing otherwise it will only make things worse. Ask her to try her very best to make some new friends (there will be other children there who don't know anyone else in the class) and promise her a special treat after school.

Is she aware that you have called Head of Year, Local Authority etc etc?

My DS was desperately unhappy for the first couple of weeks at school, we went in to see Head of Year who said, give it a couple more weeks, the vast majority of children settle in .............. he did settle and now has a large circle of new (& old grin) friends.

I am sure the 'friendship' thing is a much bigger deal for girls but try and boost her up, I think it would be a very bad idea to keep her home over this issue - what are you going to do, home educate if she doesn't get in with her friends?

stargirl1701 Tue 02-Jul-13 17:39:34

These primary school friendship groups rarely last in secondary. Is there anyone 'cool' who could chat to her? Older sister, older cousin, young aunt? I often had this role with 2 of my younger cousins.

HeySoulSister Tue 02-Jul-13 17:39:57

But it's secondary school!

frogwatcher42 Tue 02-Jul-13 17:40:41

If its anything like our senior school, they only put them in groups of 3s. So if the numbers dont work and they change it for your dd then somebody else has to move - i.e. one of the other girls.

She wont be upset once she has started. Within a day she will have made new friends. There will be some children from her class in the room and they will mix and match really quickly.

Have you thought that for some reason the other girls dont want her with them, or the parents dont. In our school you can specify who you want your children to go with, and who you dont. Most put some down for each!! I hope this isnt the case but it ought to be borne in mind. Given the fact that the head of year 7 was sympathetic but then came back and said no, I wonder if this is the situation and they obviously cant tell you. My dd and I put down a 'dont want' who was actually one of her best friends through primary. It just wouldnt have worked at secondary and my dd needed a break from her.

bruffin Tue 02-Jul-13 17:41:03

I very much doubt she will still be in same friendship group by the end of yr7 even ifshe was in the same form.
She needs to realised that her friends may make new friends themselves. Heard of too much upset in yr 7 where one friend embraces the new experience and another child gets left behind.

LunaticFringe Tue 02-Jul-13 17:41:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shewhowines Tue 02-Jul-13 17:41:39

On the fence.

I would feel exactly the same as you and indeed, did so when DS started primary. School said nursery said, he was too dependant on a couple of children he was at nursery with. Has the primary said something to the secondary along those lines?

They do change their friendship groups at secondary. DD was very disappointed to be in the other half of the year to all her friends, meaning their paths will never ever cross in lessons. She has survived though, despite having some emotional issues at the time.

School is not necessarily BU. If they agree to your request, then it will open the floodgates for others. Could your doctor write to them if she is really bad?

BackforGood Tue 02-Jul-13 17:43:01

Yes, YABU.
It's pretty common for pupils from the same school to be spread out amongst the different form groups, precisely so they do all make new friends. If the friendships are going to remain, then they will anyway - they can travel to and from school together (where most of the world is put to rights) and they can see each other at breaks and lunch. Quite possibly they will be in some subjects together too.
I speak as the parent of one in Yr12, one in Yr9 and one moving to secondary this Sept too. Both my older two have increased their friendship groups through being put in situations where everyone in the classes is "new" together and new friendships are forged.

AuntySib Tue 02-Jul-13 17:43:21

It might be worth approaching her current teacher and asking if he/she could speak to the secondary school. in my experience, schools pay more attention when other education professionals request something.

Sirzy Tue 02-Jul-13 17:43:36

Of course you take her. I can't believe you are even considering not!

You asked. They said no. They were under no obligation to move anyone. Now you need to be positive about the whole thing not encouraging the complaining or she will never settle in.

MadeOfStarDust Tue 02-Jul-13 17:45:28

which child (who already knows the class they will be in) do YOU want to move to make room for her?

my dd moved up on her own - they deliberately put the 5 from her school in different classes - and at the end of Y7 has plenty of new friends and has kept her old ones - with sleepovers and days out arranged for over the holidays etc...

It is secondary school - go with the flow unless there are real problems...

frogwatcher42 Tue 02-Jul-13 17:46:37

Of course you take her in. She needs to learn that she can face these challenges and deal with them. There will be much worse to come re friendships - nothing like senior school and hormonal girls!!

Hoolit Tue 02-Jul-13 17:47:15

My ds is y7 and he mentioned early on that he would be happier in another class.
We discussed it and decided he should stay where he was and see if things improved. He got on with it but maintained he'd rather move.
I rang the school, they saw me and him the next day and moved him 2 days later saying they would rather he was happy with his friends and settled.
I felt like I was being told I should of mentioned it earlier.
Go see the head of lower school, it makes a difference to your child. It's a big thing high school you want them happy. Hope it gets sorted.

Bonsoir Tue 02-Jul-13 17:48:56

I think it is really hard for schools to know what to do for the best. Some friendships outlive the transition to secondary and are incredibly strong and others wither and die fast and it is pretty hard to know in advance what is going to happen.

I wouldn't worry too much - try to reassure your DD.

Branleuse Tue 02-Jul-13 17:49:16

shes expecting it to be like classes in primary school where youre with the same people all day. It wont be. She'll probably be with her friends in other classes

frogwatcher42 Tue 02-Jul-13 17:49:18

And imo it would be a really bad start to put a complaint in about something that in years to come will seem so petty (when she has other friends anyway). If the head of year 7 was sympathetic yet was swayed after speaking to the lower school then there must be something that you are 'not getting'. Maybe your daughter is too reliant on the other girls to their detriment and her own?

oreocookiez Tue 02-Jul-13 17:49:53

frogwatcher42 they dont get a choice where they are put or get to choose a friend. The other 3 mums of my DD friends are being supportive in asking if DD can change to the other class. She had such a bad time with her father, we had SS involved and educational psychologist who have both recommended that she should have minimum upset at the moment because of the situation.

CointreauVersial Tue 02-Jul-13 17:50:06


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