SIL and holiday - aibu to be pissed off?(73 Posts)
It's my FIL's 60th birthday soon and he is going to Las Vegas with my MIL. We have all been to Vegas a few times, last time was with DH, PIL, SIL, her DH and their 2 kids. My DH and I have decided we will fly out to Vegas to surprise my FIL for his birthday. He really wants everyone to go, but DS was born 11 months ago so we have told FIL from the beginning there is no chance we will come as I don't want to take DS or leave him with anyone. So as far as he is aware, he is just going away with MIL. MIL knows what we have planned but is sworn to secrecy.
I am leaving DS with my mum as we are only going for 5 nights - they are going for 2 weeks. DH and I booked our tickets back in April and told SIL of our plans. We asked if she and her DH wanted to come too. We said we would be leaving DS as it would be adults only as it is only 5 days. She said she would think about it due to the financial cost but was very excited at the possibility of an adults only holiday.
She has now said she is coming, but doesn't want to leave the kids at home. They are 17 and 15 so not exactly tiny. Their other grandparents live 5 mins away and they were going to stay there, but SIL has now decided she can't possibly leave them (this would be their first holiday without the kids. Ever.) They will also be going out for a week, so will get there 2 days before me and DH.
AIBU to be annoyed that my SIL can't possibly leave 2 teenage kids with their grandparents for 5 days, and will be completely changing the tone of the holiday? The fact that they are getting there 2 days before us means that the surprise will be ruined when DH and I turn up as SIL will be there already. We have spent best part of 2k trying to organise a surprise that FIL will really appreciate and now it feels like we are going to have to spend the 5 days doing stuff the kids can do and helping with babysitting so my SIL and BIL can have a night out. I love my SIL and the kids to bits but this has really annoyed me. AIBU or should I just grit my teeth and bear it?
Don't really understand the problem. It is your PILs (who you say will be happy about their GC being there) holiday which you are crashing without permission or thought to what they want. Your SIL is doing the same but it's just that she's not doing it the way you want her to. You seem to be thinking more about what you want than what the PIL's want. Fair enough to be a little disappointed but can't see that your SIL is doing anything wrong.
PILs will enjoy having them there, they are a very close family. PILs will want to go to the casinos, last year DNs were back in the hotel with SIL/BIL by 9pm. DN's have been asked and don't want to come. They are fine with everyone going without them as they know they will get loads of presents! It's just SIL who doesn't want to leave them as she doesn't feel ready. SIL has been asked not to let on we are going too.
It's up to your SIL what she does. I have never left my two who are 16&18, not because I don't want to but because my parents especially, and PILs a little bit, favour their other GC and were always 'too busy' to look after ours when we asked. I wouldn't have left them at 11months, though.
Our kids are great company and we like spending time with them, so I can see where SIL is coming from.
What an arse (the whole thing, not just SIL).
Make it clear that during a five-day very expensive hol, you WON'T be doing any 'babysitting'. They'll have to be the ones staying behind - tell her nice and apologetically that part of the reason you went ahead and booked is that it was supposed to be an adults only holiday - not that you don't want to spend time with your lovely neices, but sitting in a hotel room while the rest of the gang spend time in the casinos is just no fun. As your neices can testify. So just so she's 100% clear before you go, it WON'T be organised the way it was last time.
Say it now and I wonder whether coupled with her daughters' complaints, she might rethink.
It's up to her. Just ask them to make sure they don't tell your FIL that you are coming and spoil that surprise. BUT - as some have said above - don't get hung up in any arrangements to stay looking after their children, and if you want to do something that they don't, just split off and do it. I'm sure FIL and MIL will join you at least some of the time.
What do the neices want to do? Has anybody actually asked them? They're old enough to make their own minds up, especially are going last year, surely?
Will your pils enjoy having their grandchildren there or will they be disappointed?
she knows that a lot of the things we had planned will now be out of the question but I haven't told her she is spoiling things as it's done now so I just have to make the best of it. To be fair we will have a good time, we always do, it just would have been nice to have some time with SIL and BIL doing things we have never done before.
Does SiL realise she is spoiling things? (YANBU btw).
thanks tempus. If it was anywhere else in the world then it would not be an issue, even anywhere else in the US. We would take all the kids and I would never dream of suggesting otherwise.
I agree with Hully and Norma.
SIL is being bloody precious.
It will totally alter the holiday.
Regarding the surprise, tell them not to reveal you are coming too. Your FIL will think they are the surprise but that you couldn't make it due to baby - then will be even more surprised when you show up two days later.
If it was anywhere else in the world, YWBU.
Vegas - YANBU. Fuck all to do except drink and gamble once you've walked the strip a couple of times.
You may feel its nice to have time away from your kids but myself personally I would not leave an 11 month old for 5 days to go on a boozy,gambling holiday. Different strokes and all that..
Your sil is bVERYu. I am that she would take them away to Vegas. They have been before and didn't like it. Hardly a holiday of a lifetime, although it might be in 10 years.
You can make Vegas child friendly if you have to. To make the most of it you should be over 21. If sil wants her dds to be accompanied, she should do it. As you are only going for 5 days I would say it's perfectly acceptable to enjoy days together and make the nights out your own.
She had stolen your thunder a bit with regard to the surprise. I don't understand why you can't get the same flights over. Why don't you go for dinner just before the holiday and tell your fil that you are joining him? He can look forward to your arrival. Your sil could book an overnight trip to the Grand Canyon, Palm Springs, etc. the day you arrive? Her girls may enjoy something a bit different?
See if you can persuade sil to do a big reveal on the day you arrive and stay hidden for the first two days. Will give her a chance to get over jet lag.
thanks for the wide range of responses. To clarify a few points...
DN's don't want to come. They have been before and didn't enjoy it. They both look older than they are and the 17 year old especially wants to go to the bars/casinos. They are both lovely girls and a lot of fun and don't need babysitting (for want of a better word) but SIL doesn't want to leave them in a hotel room alone as can't guarantee DN won't chance her arm at trying to sneak into a few casinos (highly unlikely this will work as I know first hand how strict they are on ID). The 'babysitting' involved will be going to the free family attractions such as the volcano, treasure island and circus circus. The rest of the party will be in the casino as all are poker players.
My BIL and SIL are both lovely people and we were looking forward to going out for a few drinks and a gamble all together, but as SIL won't leave DN's unaccompanied it means someone will have to keep them company. As previously mentioned both DN's are great girls and this is not a chore, it just makes it a bit more difficult when 99% of the places the whole group will want to go are age restricted.
My SIL could have flown home 2 days after us but she didn't want to be there for 2 days after we had all gone. So she has decided to go out 2 days before.
I think my main issue is I was looking forward to spending some time with SIL and BIL without any kids, mine included, as we have never done this before. Yes, it is not up to me to dictate how people parent and if SIL can't bear to be parted from her girls then that's fine but it is nice to spend some time away from the kids every now and then.
I think you will just have to roll with it. Play the hands that dealt you and all that...(sorry).
I think this would annoy me too just a little as under 21's will effect how the days pan out if you tend to do things in the family group together.
I'm thinking a bit of forward planning will avoid you doing any actual babysitting.
Don't offer, and if it's hinted at, whip out your notebook and say, we only have the 5 days and all our time is allocated to the fun plans you have made to do x,y and z. Sorry about that, would have been happy to help if we just had had a little longer, and we have so been looking forward to doing x,y and z.
Don't allow them to tag onto anything if you really don't want them to.
Be prepared to state clearly you will meet up with SIL and teens at family friendly restaurant at lunch time.
I wonder if it's worth you looking into stuff for the teens to do so you are ready to throw suggestions at them if they seem clueless and tag on and float about with no plans other than to cramp your Vegas style.
Trip Advisor Vegas forum can be quite helpful although the folks on there will tell you it's not the place for kids/teens.
Have fun though, don't let this bad hand ruin your game and keep a poker face when asked about babysitting!
The 15 and 17 year old have already been to Vegas - they were there last year (according to OP) and didn't love it.
They need babysitting because their DP won't leave them along in the hotel room.
Will it have such an effect?
You can't all be in the casino/drinking together.
But, that's SILs/BILs lookout-doesn't affect your time with FIL-which is the whole point of it.
why would a 15 and 17 year old need babysitting..?
I think YABU my children are similar ages to your SIl if I could afford to take them I would, they would be gutted if I left them at home, as they have never been to America, it wont change the holiday they are old enough to stay up or hang out in the room for adult nights. As to the surprise she doesn't have to say you are coming you just turn up tow days later so two surprises.
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