SIL and holiday - aibu to be pissed off?(73 Posts)
It's my FIL's 60th birthday soon and he is going to Las Vegas with my MIL. We have all been to Vegas a few times, last time was with DH, PIL, SIL, her DH and their 2 kids. My DH and I have decided we will fly out to Vegas to surprise my FIL for his birthday. He really wants everyone to go, but DS was born 11 months ago so we have told FIL from the beginning there is no chance we will come as I don't want to take DS or leave him with anyone. So as far as he is aware, he is just going away with MIL. MIL knows what we have planned but is sworn to secrecy.
I am leaving DS with my mum as we are only going for 5 nights - they are going for 2 weeks. DH and I booked our tickets back in April and told SIL of our plans. We asked if she and her DH wanted to come too. We said we would be leaving DS as it would be adults only as it is only 5 days. She said she would think about it due to the financial cost but was very excited at the possibility of an adults only holiday.
She has now said she is coming, but doesn't want to leave the kids at home. They are 17 and 15 so not exactly tiny. Their other grandparents live 5 mins away and they were going to stay there, but SIL has now decided she can't possibly leave them (this would be their first holiday without the kids. Ever.) They will also be going out for a week, so will get there 2 days before me and DH.
AIBU to be annoyed that my SIL can't possibly leave 2 teenage kids with their grandparents for 5 days, and will be completely changing the tone of the holiday? The fact that they are getting there 2 days before us means that the surprise will be ruined when DH and I turn up as SIL will be there already. We have spent best part of 2k trying to organise a surprise that FIL will really appreciate and now it feels like we are going to have to spend the 5 days doing stuff the kids can do and helping with babysitting so my SIL and BIL can have a night out. I love my SIL and the kids to bits but this has really annoyed me. AIBU or should I just grit my teeth and bear it?
She's being a bit silly and clingy. I can't abide people who have to be attached to their children at all times, under any circumstance.
They're 15 and 17, it's not like they're toddlers.
Well you asked your SIL if she wanted to come, so you had to be prepared for the possibility that they might actually take you up on the offer but not actually fly on exactly the same flights as you or for exactly the same amount of time! It may be cheaper or more convenient for them to fly earlier.
I'm not sure what kind of things you would do on an "adults" holiday which you can't do with a 17 and 15 year old? They're not babies who need a nap in the middle of the day or hand holding. And why would you end up "babysitting" them? Surely if their parents want dinner on their own the teenagers are perfectly capable of watching a movie in their hotel room or even going to the hotel restaurant themselves?
Just because you don't want to take your 11mo DS, doesn't mean that SIL doesn't want to take her 15 and 17yo DC, and YABU to suggest that they have to fall in with your plans.
I doubt it is clinginess, but more the fact that - at that age - they would really love to see Vegas and might not get another opportunity.
If it has been a struggle for them to get the money together, they may have decided that it must be their main family holiday this year.
FIL will probably really enjoy seeing his teenage grandchildren, and I doubt they will change the mood of the holiday significantly - they won't need to go to bed early or have babysitters or anything like that!
SIL has probably discussed her plans with MIL and she thinks it is a good idea.
I do think it is a shame that they will surprise FIL before you do, but he will still be surprised to see you two days later won't he??
I'm surprised shes never left them at that age (I've never left DD either but she's only 17 months).
BUT I think these teenagers are as good as adults and should be perfectly capable of having an adult holiday. It's not like they're gonna need 24 hour supervision etc.
Will a 17 year old and a 15 year old need babysitters?
i would find it easier to leave behind an 11 month old for five days than a 17 and 15 year old. The 11 month old won't know what he's missing. I'd want my older children to be part of the celebrations.
Yabu she can do what she likes and 2 teens are hardly the same as a baby!
Grin and bear it.
It could be that she can't stand leaving them, or she could enjoy holidaying with them, or thinking it could very well be the last family holiday with them.
I don't think a 15 & 17 year old will impact on anyone's fun, or alter the tone much? You're not all thinking of drinking until you puke and going to lap dance clubs together? They shouldn't need babysitting, early meals, or non stop entertaining. A baby or toddler would impact the tone.
And you said Fil wants everyone to go, won't he be happy they are there?
Can completely understand how disappointed you must feel, both at the surprise being ruined and the tone of the holiday changing. It doesn't sound like there is anything you can do about it though, so I would say you just have to try and think about the positives - FIL will still be so delighted you're coming, and if SIL and family keep quiet he still won't be expecting you.. Oh and don't feel obliged to babysit!!
YABU - it is up to them if they want to bring their teenage children. Why should they have to leave them at home?? I tell you, at 15 or 17 if my mum and dad had gone to Vegas and not let me go, I would have been mightily pisse off.
What does it matter to you if their kids come? They are not toddlers and will be quite self sufficient I imagine.
annh - it's Vegas so to be in the casinos etc you have to be 21. Under 21s are only allowed on designated walkways within the casino so it would be unfair on the kids if we wanted to go to a bar or gamble as they are immediately restricted due to their age. They were moved on by a bouncer last year for standing too close to a slot machine. I'm not saying they need a nap or anything like that, its just the very nature of the place is not really geared up to under 21s. We took them last year and they didn't really enjoy it. They don't even want to go this year!
They need 'babysitting' (for want of a better word) as SIL won't leave them in the hotel room alone. Last year I stayed with them and created our own hotel casino so BIL and SIL could go to dinner with DH and their parents.
...and no way do a 15 and 17 year old need babysitting, that is just plain ridiculous.
Can't SIL and family stay somewhere else for the two days until you and your DH arrive - and then surprise FIL all together?
I hear you on taking the teen DCS, but as said up thread maybe this is their annual family holiday. I can't see they will get in the way much.
I am not sure i quite understand,
Are you annoyed that they are going before you?
You can still be a surprise,
as for her children not going, they are not babies, i doubt they will need babysitting, and will have a great time,
Unless they are very well off I doubt the family will repeat the trip in the near future, it would be quite a bit mean to make them miss out, for the sake of a piss up.
and I am sure you can drink and gamble (the only things other than sex shows I can that I can think they won't be involved in) separately or in the evenings,
I'm sure your FiL will enjoy having lots of family there.
I'm sure as they are 15 and 17 your SiL is anticipating empty nest syndrome and wants to grab as much family holiday memory time as possible.
At 17 would you of liked been told by an auntie that you were not welcome on a family trip to las vegas , because you might spoil her fun?
YNBU regarding the surprise, I would be pissed off too seeing as it was your idea. Can they tell fil of their plans but not say anything about yours?
YABU (only a little bit though) about the kids. No, they aren't babies so don't need babysitting especially the 17y.o i do understand though that being in a different country it's best that the kids are with family so therefore limiting any bars/casino's sil and bil can go to. Thats their problem though not yours so don't offer to babysit. You've left your dc so you can do as you please for that reason.
If you were taking your DC would you feel differently? I have a hunch you are regretting this part of it. Why don't you take him and 17 and 15 yo can babysit him?
I thought you were going to say that her children were babies or toddlers. They are practically adults - would they really require babysitting?
And you did say that your FIL wanted everybody to go...this is supposed to be about him, not you.
YANBU to be pissed off but you are going to have grin and bear it.
Are the kids high maintenance?
I'm not really sure what they could do in Vegas for a week to be honest <bit dim> aren't they really strict about the gambling and drinking there more than anywhere else?
I know they have fabulous shows etc but again I thought there was a strict age limit? There is surely only so many waterfall and fountain shows they can watch? And other than the strip there is just desert?
disclaimer - totally prepared to have my Vegas knowledge dismissed as complete bollocks!
fair enough, IABU. I suppose I am being a bit selfish. I guess it's just after last year and the kids didn't enjoy it, it seems a bit crazy to me to fork out another 2k to take them on a holiday they don't even want to go on. I won't get involved in any 'babysitting' scenarios this time. My SIL kept on saying how much fun it would be for us all to go without any under 21s but I need to accept that she doesn't want to leave her kids. I love my 2 nieces very much and never thought of the very valid point made by quoteunquote - I would hate them to think I thought they would spoil my fun
They are her children and you can't tell others whether they can or cannot take their own children, whether they are 15 etc is irrelevent. Maybe she feels she doesn't trust them just yet and maybe she doesn't want to be in a separate country from them, after all, all mothers feel differently even with teens.
I really cannot see a problem, it may be that your teen neices wanted to see las vegas and are excited, let your sil make her own choices in regards to her dc.
Don't offer to babysit then and get on with any things you want to to with Fil.
Your brother and sil know what holiday you're all expecting, they know what they're happy for their children to do, it's up to them to deal with it. Of course make a few arrangements for things you can all do together.
Yabu, if she doesn't want to leave them, she doesn't want to leave them.
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