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to feel uncomfortable about OH hanging out with his younger mates...

(51 Posts)
Khaleasy Sun 30-Jun-13 21:34:37

Genuine advice wanted!

OH (26) has recently starting seeing a lot more of his old group of mates. They are all a few years younger than him but act like rowdy teenagers (think taking pictures of themselves on the toilets at night clubs, flashing at strangers etc).
OH and I have lived together for the last 3 years and before that he was dating another girl for 3 years, they broke up because she cheated.
Ex-GF is always at these outings, she is loud, self-centred and very "it's all about me" so is nearly always centre-stage. She spent a lot of time trying to steal OH back from me (emails, calls at home and at work, stalking. OH ended up having to change his number, she threatened to come to our house etc).

I don't really like the group, have hung out with them once or twice a few years ago but its not really my scene. They live a good hour away and OH will go out of his way to see them, often at the detriment of seeing me.

(OH is very kind, loving and supportive when I do see him though).

I have a feeling that IAMBU for would like some tips to stop myself getting so internally wound up about it. Everytime I think of it, I get a horrible feeling.

Sodapop55 Mon 01-Jul-13 07:05:37

YANBU. I would not feel comfortable with my partner putting juvenile friends and an ex partner who'd harassed me as his priority. What is it about going out exactly that concerns you? That his ex might try to get him back? Or do you just feel left out?

You have a few options.

A) accept that DP is a grown man and will want to hang out with friends that you don't like, and try to feel more confident about your relationship. This is difficult, but doable. It just takes time and a lot of communication. You need to tell him how this makes you feel and why it makes you feel that way. His response will tell you all you need to know.

B) Point blank tell him you don't want him seeing these people and that you don't like him prioritising these friends over your relationship. However, people always resent being told what to do and it's not very healthy.

C) Go along with him, have a <strike>tedious</strike> fun time and watch the ex seethe. You may be bored watching their immature antics and he may resent it a little but it may alleviate your anxieties without stopping your partner from going out.

D) See this as a deal breaker, ditch your partner and find a man who you love who will always put you first.

Look, this is a difficult situation and loads of people will probably be on here telling you you should accept it and that they're fine with their partner hanging out with their exes because they're sooo secure but you know, not everyone is. Especially if this girl caused a lot of strife for you in the past. And especially if he's prioritising spending time with HER over YOU. Good luck.

Twooter Mon 01-Jul-13 07:17:28

I would do D if you haven't got kids. His idea of fun makes you feel like shit.

MusicalEndorphins Mon 01-Jul-13 07:35:32

Those are all good ideas. Do you two have mutual friends that you socialize with, or is it a his friends, your friends situation?
Would you want that group at your wedding were you to marry?

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 11:05:35

Sodapop - Thank you so much for your time and detailed reply.

D) feels like an extreme reaction when everything else in the relationship is good. But I have to admit, the idea does lurk around sometimes. I think it would be unrealistic to think I can find a man who would always choose me over his mates 100% of the time though.

B) I would never do. I wish that I could but I won't. It would put immeasurable strain on the relationship and he would resent me. It really wouldn't be fair either.

A) seems like the best and most mature option to take. I could try and combine it with C to maybe alleviate my concerns. I feel very fat and frumpy at the moment so tbh have put off being faced with ex!

His idea of fun makes you feel like shit. - I don't really think he is an active participant in most of the antics. Not that I've seen, but he does come back a bit more childish. If it was a 24/7 thing then D would be my first choice too.

I am "only" 21 and actually a few years younger than the people he hangs out with; I think he expects me to be "fun" like them and love going out and getting wasted and stealing road signs etc.

Ashoething Mon 01-Jul-13 11:08:16

He and his friends sound like arseholes-they are doing things that I would expect from teenagers. Get rid.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 11:08:19

It sounds like you and him are at different stages of maturity

You could hang around and hope he eventually catches you up I suppose, but there is no guarantee of that, of course

Or you could cut loose now, and find someone else that doesn't hang out with immature dickheads

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 11:10:37

At home, we're on the same level of maturity. In normal day to day life he is fine - but it changes completely with his mates. Maybe that's why it makes me so uncomfortable; it's like I don't know which one he is.

He is 26 though and without sounding a presumtious twat as I am only 21 myself I am under the impression that the maturity phase of a bloke is normally 26-30?

DoJo Mon 01-Jul-13 11:18:49

His friends flash people? That's a sexual offence, and he'd rather go out with them and risk imprisonment than spend time with you then that's a fairly major concern.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 11:24:11

No, you have it wrong

If he is still influenced by his mates to the point where he "changes" personality, the harsh fact that this really is who he is

you are making excuses for him. A common mistake, but one that will not do you any favours at all

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 11:25:57

look love, don't read or listen to any crap that "men mature at blah blah age"

some men remain twats all their lives

some are decent ones in the first place

ie. they are all individuals, and if this one is giving you cause for concern, waiting around to see if it gets better could be wasting many years of your life

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 11:37:15

Just to make sure its clear - he doesn't do the immature things with them. But he does enjoy hanging out with them.

Anyfucker - On a simlar level though, I don't want to waste years of my life trying to find a non-existant perfect man

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 11:41:00

Only you can decide what you are willing to settle for. I know many blokes in their 20's who don't act like this, nor do they hang out with folk that act like this.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 01-Jul-13 13:18:42

Do you two ever go out on your own together? Socially, I mean?
Do you go out of an evening with other couples?
Or is it just him seeing his mates?

It's good to keep up friendships outside a relationship but this bothers me,
OH will go out of his way to see them, often at the detriment of seeing me.

If you feel a few pounds overweight or frumpy, he's not made any comment has he? You're 21, you don't need to go OTT, don't worry about looking less glam than your partner's ex. He's with you by choice. I'd say [C] go along, not to throw keep-off glares or hang onto him but because couples can go out together and show they enjoy each other's company.

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 14:20:33

We don't go out socially, no. That's completely my fault. I've lost a lot of confidence really, became tee-total (decided that I didn't gain anything from alcohol except a nasty next day) and basically because a bit "highly-strung" (OHs desciption).
I have no idea how to get out of this social rut but basically have been overcompensating by taking on extra work, doing 3 or 4 jobs etc.

(In short, I really haven't been the best gf!)

Annakin31 Mon 01-Jul-13 14:51:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 14:55:33

eh ? This immature twat has labelled you highly strung ?

Any bets on whether this apparent drop in confidence and developing social anxiety has cropped up since you have been with him ?

This is going to turn into one of those threads that changes into something else entirely isn't it ? sad

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 01-Jul-13 15:02:45

Right then getting closer - "highly strung" always sounds iffy I wonder what that means? Confidence issues aren't normally prominent in a happy, mutually supportive couple. Teetotal doesn't mean repressed or dull.

You have a great work ethic and saving money is admirable but it can mask a growing tendency to keep busy out of someone's way and away from a challenging home envirnment.

Try asking another question: has he been the best bf?

Sodapop55 Mon 01-Jul-13 15:06:14

You're most welcome for the reply Khaleasy. I hope it helped you out a little! But it worries me you're blaming yourself for being a bad gf.

As Anyfucker noted, there are men out there in their twenties who don't act like this. While I wouldn't suggest breaking up straight away, if you find the relationship is not working out for you or not meeting your needs - remember you are only 21! Loads of people don't even get married until their thirties these days. You have plenty of time to find a man who may be more compatible. (Please note I said compatible, NOT perfect :D)

But if this man is very important to you then it's equally important that you express yourself. It sounds like your needs are being put on the back burner and he's not being sympathetic to you stopping drinking/losing confidence.

On another note, you may find that socialising will get easier the more you do it. It's really easy to get caught in that work-eat-tv-sleep trap and sometimes you have to make a real effort to socialise. Not just for your bf and the relationship mind you, but for you.

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 15:14:02

has he been the best bf?

He encourages me to do what I love and tries to stop me worrying about career-building too much, he does most of the housework, does most of the work relating to the pets, brings me surprise presents, its very giving in bed, cuddles me a lot and tells me I'm beautiful everyday (even though I'm not, bless him), makes a real effort with my family.

I have limited experience in boyfriends (we've been together since I was 18) but I think I have a pretty good deal.

I genuinely don't think he's a bad boyfriend - it makes me feel worse for being such a cow about his friends.

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 15:19:56

Sodapop- I really struggle with socialising. Especially since I left college and uni where I'm not forced to make friends. I have a few close friends but they live very far away now. Its a bit pathetic really but I think my closest friend at the moment is my Mum!

AnyFucker Mon 01-Jul-13 15:39:31

Oh dear

I hope your self confidence doesn't get any more destroyed before you realise this was a starter relationship and you deserve a lot better

We are talking to the hand ATM though, it would seem

What does your mum think of him?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 01-Jul-13 15:43:41

He is kind, loving and supportive and the things you just mentioned are all positives so why do I look back at your OP and feel you are on edge? Are you scared it won't last? Is that what he refers to as you being "highly strung"? Staying at home brooding or endless hours apart working will drive you apart. If it is ex gf's presence more than mates bothering you do you have any reason for doubting that he's over her?

Do you have siblings or colleagues or neighbours your age? A bbq or some sport or sharing petrol costs going to the beach or Alton Towers or ice-skating or a gig or whatever floats your boat can be something to do that isn't centred on a night out or drinking. If you want to go out with him it doesn't have to be at night, expensive or dressed to kill.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 01-Jul-13 15:47:13

Bottom line is, you should feel comfortable with each other. Not stifled, nor abandoned. You shouldn't feel you have to turn cartwheels to keep his attention. People get along for ages sometimes before realising at heart they're incompatible.

Khaleasy Mon 01-Jul-13 15:50:32

My Mum LOVES him actually, really really pleased we're together. Shes normally a very good judge of character though not with her own relationships! My best friend loves him, neighbours love him, colleagues love him, etc etc

Do you have siblings or colleagues or neighbours your age? No. I'm by far the youngest. Always am at work etc. My best friend is 37, other closest friend 34. Neighbours are retired grin but I don't think they'd turn down a trip to Alton Towers!

OOO - Iceskating! Used to LOVE iceskating

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