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To want to reestablish this friendship sorry this is long

(88 Posts)
vacantStation Sun 30-Jun-13 19:50:54

DH had a horrible surgical procedure earlier this year. We didn't want to tell anyone about it as 'twas intimate surgery. We did tell a couple, close friends of ours who were quite supportive.

Above friends were having a party for birthday. (Meal and drinks/dancing) which we planned to possibly shuffle along to for a few hours. This was about 4 days after DH was discharged from 3rd hospital admission.

Due to this surgery we basically went into hiding for what ended up being a couple of months! To avoid questions.

Friends knew that this was really private and we were avoiding people.

There was only one mutual set of friends going but above friends were short of numbers so invited a couple, friends of OURS that they have only met socially a handful of times... with us.

I was absolutely furious as we had not seen these friends for ages and were kind of avoiding seeing them until DH had recovered and above friends had not had the sensitivity to think about this,. To add to this

above friend had told them he was 10 years younger than he actually is. When we became aware of this, it was really a bit embarrassing. We told them that he had been dating a 16 year old girl (quite a few years before) and that he had lied about his age for about 3 years while this was going on. We didn't know he had actually decided to contiue this!

The disturbing thing was he has also continued this lie into his marriage with his lovely wife who became a great friend.
He told lovely wife that he wanted to be 27 as he had 'lost years' of his life to being depressed. She accepted this though all her family now believe him to be 27.

DH and i used to worry about him visiting this 16 yo girl who lived with this huge (and somewhat hard) family in rural wales. i.e if they ever found out he would get a pasting at best, at worst chucked in a hole never to be seen again.

The most uncomfortable think about this scenario is that at their wedding, the father of the 16 year old girl he was dating (he remained in contact with the family for years) got up and gave a speech about what a lovely 'young' man he was. (Friend and the 16 year old (now 21) are no longer in contact. 16 year old didn't want anything more to do with him. This was before the expensive wedding.

So anyway, i absolutely lost my rag with this bloke .. so did dh and said that we were really pissed off that he had put us in an awkward situation with our friends following dh surgery, Then this whole barrage of 'what the fuck do you think your playing at' re the age thing and lying and stuff came out....(which I know was a bit nasty and perhaps none of my business) I just feel that we were being brought into this rabbit hole of lies..(there were quite a few more too)

I am really glad to be away from it all. The guy was really controlling and hard work at times. Would walk around our houe like he owned the place and would be really aggrieved when we socialised with other people. He also turned up when we were on a date and would expect to be invited to family occasions.

It's our own bloody fault really . I think over years that the friendship needed to change as our lives were changing.

Me and DH both feel alot happier without the pressure and lies of this friendship but i really really miss this guys wife and feel years of friendship with both of them have been chucked away.

For all his flaws. (were all flawed right?) They were still people we cared about.

I regret not setting boundaries better and losing my temper. WIBU ? Shall i try and patch it up?

I have been in contact via text with wife and saw her briefly, it was lovely to see her and we rammed alot of talking into about 5 minutes but her H isn't comfortable for us to see each other or get a coffee or whatever. ~She says she needs to respect his feelings. She looked upset. I fee really sad. I don't want to harrass them but at the same time years of friendship are hard to erase. What would you do?

aldiwhore Sun 30-Jun-13 20:08:30

I struggled to follow that sorry.

Firstly, if you go to a party, you're not "In Hiding" and you cannot expect other people to think that much about things. Also, if your other friends have met this friend socially a few times, then why shouldn't your friend invite them?

After that it all got a bit mushy and you write in a way that your friend sounds like a creep so why bother with him if you disapprove so strongly?

Lying about your age, sad but no great crime unless you're committing a great crime.

I suppose it depends greatly on what came out in the wash when you shouted at him?

Your whole post sounds really odd sorry.

Our friends would probably either know about sensitive procedures or we'd be so hidden we'd bump into none of them at parties.


PorkPieandPickle Sun 30-Jun-13 20:15:10

I also found that quite confusing :S not really sure what the party had to do with it if you were not attending.

Also not sure how old this guy was when he was dating a 16 yr old and lying about his age, but it all sounds a bit weird and he sounds like a strange guy.

I wouldn't pursue a friendship with someone that expected me to lie about their age to people, just seems childish and pointless.

Onesleeptillwembley Sun 30-Jun-13 20:23:45

Tell it yo Jeremy Kyle. It may make sense.

OwlinaTree Sun 30-Jun-13 20:25:05

Did your friend who was having the party invite another friend who is dating a 16 year old? Is he married to the 16 year old?

What does this have to do with the operation?

I'm confused!!

Pinkflipflop Sun 30-Jun-13 20:28:01

It's their party, they can invite who they want!

MollyBerry Sun 30-Jun-13 20:28:26

Can you write a summary as I can't really understand it :S

Pinkflipflop Sun 30-Jun-13 20:29:15

And if you are in 'hiding' then you shouldn't be going to a party!

Actually it all sounds v bizarre!

Pobblewhohasnotoes Sun 30-Jun-13 20:30:26

Sorry, I don't understand.

RiotsNotDiets Sun 30-Jun-13 20:31:33


MrsPatrickDempsey Sun 30-Jun-13 20:31:59

Confused. Sorry.

Branleuse Sun 30-Jun-13 20:34:09


what was the surgery ?

OwlinaTree Sun 30-Jun-13 20:34:40

Who is it you want to re-establish the friendship with? Are you being a bit hypocritical if you are lying about why you are not on the scene and then getting mad at him lying about his age?

thecatfromjapan Sun 30-Jun-13 20:37:32

He sounds quite odd (to put it mildly).

I've come to a realisation recently that the fewer controlling men you have in your life, the better things are.

That said, I think getting cross about who is invited to other people;s dinner parties is Not On.

antimatter Sun 30-Jun-13 20:37:35

>> her H isn't comfortable for us to see each other or get a coffee or whatever.<<

do you think he may be worried you are going to tell his wife that he is 10 years older than he presents himself?

However I don't understand this:

>>we were really pissed off that he had put us in an awkward situation with our friends following dh surgery<<

WandaDoff Sun 30-Jun-13 20:41:13

Nope. Don't understand it. Sorry.

OwlinaTree Sun 30-Jun-13 20:41:22

How has this lady never found out that her husband is 10 years older than he says? Has he never let it slip ie talking about music from his youth, filling in a form etc? It's on a driving license and passport although he may not have either of these.

EleanorHandbasket Sun 30-Jun-13 20:44:24


LindyHemming Sun 30-Jun-13 20:46:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Celador Sun 30-Jun-13 20:50:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Llareggub Sun 30-Jun-13 20:51:07

How can the wife not know his real age? It's on the marriage certificate.

DoctorAnge Sun 30-Jun-13 20:52:12

grin what the......?

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 30-Jun-13 20:58:16

Sorry. but I'm struggling to work out who you want to reestablish a friendship with, the party-givers or the liar.

QOD Sun 30-Jun-13 20:58:59

I just wanna know what surgery!

weirdthing Sun 30-Jun-13 21:01:02


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