About popper-inners at my house?(149 Posts)
Unannounced guests. Drop-ins. Surprise visitors.
I just don't like it, never have, never will. My mum knows this. I don't make exceptions for close friends or family. I appreciate a phonecall to let me know of a planned visit, even if it's an hour before. As long as I know you're coming, that's fine.
So my mother drops in unannounced today. I heard the door knocking but was hanging my wet washing out. I decided to ignore as I was still in PJs and wasn't expecting anyone. Instead of leaving, she hammered on the door, then went down the passage at the side of my house and called over my garden wall. She could see me hanging washing out so I had to go and answer. I went to the front door to let her in and she could tell I was pissed off. She said "Sorry about dropping in unannounced, I know you haite it." I said "I do, but it doesn't seem to bother you!" Then she looked really hurt and said "Oh I'll go then" I'm hardly going to let her go after a 30 minute drive over...
I will accept that I have got PMT so am probably a bit grouchy. AIBU though, to not like unannounced visitors? It seems to be a habit on my mum's side of the fam that just "popping in" without warning is fair game and if it is not appreciated, it is the problem of the visitee.
I love it! I doesn't happen much and I wonder whether it is because of the bizarre (to me) attitude of those who think it is rude (rude? WTF? How is it rude to show you like someone and enjoy their company?). I really, really, don't understand why people have an issue with family and friends that they like calling in. It can make a boring day interesting and with luck they will interrupt you and stop you doing some horrible job! (Usual exceptions for those with mental health issues).
I hate it, it's so rude to presume that someone will have nothing better to do than entertain you and so irritating when you're in the middle of something.
My family live too far away to just pop in and I certainly wouldn't mind if they did, as they are a take you as they find you sort and my mum will normally get stuck in and help out with the kids etc, they also wouldn't expect me to run around after them if they popped in unannounced.
Otoh, hate, hate my in laws 'popping' in, they expect my house to he spotless and if it isn't they will just go home and bitch about it to H at some point, they are also big on the whole 'proper afternoon tea' thing, china cups, side plates, little sandwiches etc etc.
I hate it too. It panics me if it's a family member. I have generalised anxiety disorder. If my mum and dad/brother turned up unplanned I would panic and think something had happened. Even knowing it was ok wouldn't help as I have a problem worrying about 'what ifs' so it would still cause me problems.
I'm not a fan of it either. What if I'm in the middle of a nice long bath and just not feeling sociable? Or just had a tiff with DH? Or even if you had plans to go out or fit in some food shopping as its the only hour you have spare all weekend to do it? These drop-inners are never the type to take the hint that they really can't stay long as you have plans and so you end up feeling resentful towards them being there which is awful!
It's not something I would do in case it was causing the person I was visting an inconvenience.
It's the expectation thing, I guess - about having to cater and make polite conversation, when in the midst of necessary drudgery.
If it's a mate or a fab relative who will just muck in and make you laugh, that's different.
I hate popper-inners.
I'm not even that keen on the people that live here
I vant to be alone.
That's how I feel Curly. Plus some people are hard work and I have to have notice that I will be seeing them to mentally prepare.
Cardibach - most people's days are not boring and filled with big gaps of time where they are sat twiddling their thumbs. A lot of families are extremely busy during the week so their weekend time is precious and carefully planned.
I hate any kind of visitor. Many because my house is such a shithole.
"I hate it, it's so rude to presume that someone will have nothing better to do than entertain you and so irritating when you're in the middle of something."
Well put. Nobody would dream of 'just popping in' to your workplace and comandeering your time. yes you can rearrange your time at home (when you're busy cleaning/cooking/laundering/decorating/gardening etc) but a little notice makes a big difference. Not all of us have so much free time to play with as our (retired) mothers seem to have.
I hate it too - YADNBU. I don't mind people popping round to drop something off, for example, but when the point of the call is purely social, I think it's rude not to call beforehand. I agree, it smacks of 'drop what you're doing now because I'm more important'. We had huge problems with my FIL over this when we moved into our new house last year, quite near his (and he doesn't even knock, just walks in). DP explained and explained that whilst he was always welcome, he had to phone ahead, but FIL just carried on - until the day I burst into tears and told him I needed some privacy in my own home, at which he stormed out and didn't speak to me for 6 months. (I wouldn't normally react like that but I'd just had a MC - which is another problem with popping in: you never know what you're stepping into; you just expect people to be delighted to see you). Anyway, we're on speaking terms again, and he no longer pops round unannounced.
The point is here, is that she is your mum. And does know better by now of your wishes.
tbh, I also have a close relationship with my mum. And I think, just, that I would let her learn the lesson on one occasion.
Else she is never going to change, is she?
But, I dont think you are going to do that, so you will have to put up with it for ever more.
How long or how much effort is it to make one phone call.
For me, it depends entirely WHO is doing the popping
I tend to plan my day, so I'm not generally just hanging around bored or whatever, so 'poppers in' do tend to derail things a bit, but if I like you that's mostly OK, if I don't you are a bloody pain in the arse Generally I'd say you'd be able to tell which!!
These threads always really annoy me though. It is a difference of opinion, it doesn't make 'poppers in' rude, nor does it make people who don't like 'poppers in' rude to say so.
Yabu spectacularly so and frankly coming over as a sour old grump. With that attitude u really could end up very alone just when you really need people.
I can't bear it when MIL pops over, 5 mins after I've got in from work/school run.
There may be breakfast dishes still lurking in the sink, the dog is over excited and wanting some attention and I want 5 mins sit down before I start with dinner, dog walking, taking DD to activities etc.
I agree with yams about your Mum though, just let her 'learn the lesson once' today would have been idea as it was 'already an issue', you should have just let her go home... harsh but probably would have stopped her doing it.
I'm quite happy for anyone to just pop in, especially family.
But if you don't like it fair enough.
Strip off. Leave giant vibrator on coffee table. Smile languidly.
It will never happen again
My dimwit MIL (who I love dearly) called round on a kid free Sunday morning to see if dh was going to church.
Our only kid free morning in 6 months.
She laughed when I leaned out the top floor window and said 'bugger off, we're busy"
Oh I bloody hate it. No one ever chances it with me, they know I'd strop.
Wow i didn't know so many people felt so strongly about this. In my family all are welcome anytime. I dont see family coming over as a need to entertain them. If i am busy then they are more than capable of putting the kettle on themselves and even make me one at the same time.
"I'm not a fan of it either. What if I'm in the middle of a nice long bath and just not feeling sociable? Or just had a tiff with DH"
That is why.
Me and DH had just had a massive barney. Awkward...
Can I also add, often at the weekend I can be found slobbing about in my comfiest
rattiest clothes, no bra, bosoms a swinging, no slap and nothing worse than someone popping in and seeing me in that state.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.