AIBU to think I'm being just a little bit used?(14 Posts)
I Suspect I am just a tad.
My best friend only seems to want to see me on her terms.
we've known each other and been best friends over 20years.
For the last 6months or so I have had the feeling she's pissed off with me for some reason unbeknownst to me.
It started when I would phone her for catch up chats (always do this) usual "how are you?/work?, she would chat about her day, weekly plans and moan about certain things family, men, work etc and I would follow with same topics (-work, I was a sahm, I have DC she doesn't).
She started getting funny when I would talk about things I needed to get done round the house like tip runs or large furniture shopping. She'd make a comment like her car was too small and would end the call, that was weird for two reasons 1. she has a 7seater and 2 I wasn't asking as my brother does it in his 4x4.
when I talked it over with my sis she said she might think I was dropping hints, I don't drive,she does. I decided to not mention any thing that could be construed as hints.
after this she would make plans to see me and then cancel short notice saying she'd been called into work. I had a feeling she was lying(something felt strange) so looked on our GPS location app we have for each other and she was at home all day. but other times she will arrange visits at the drop if a hat literally phone ask if I'm home and show up. I'm fine with this but its happened more times than I can count, i just don't understand lying?
I thought about what could be going on and decided I might be suffocating her with regular calls etc (just to add she is on AD's and has confessed to being suicidal 4 years ago,she has no BF and says things like if she died it would be weeks b4 anyone found the body, so I liked to check on her and let her know I care)
I stopped calling so much and would just send txt asking how she was. She started phoning me every time she was driving home from work to moan about things, the calls lasted the whole 30min journey and then she would get home/shop and end it. I couldnt get a word in and after about 2weeks they stopped.
I've started working and my xp has the DC every other weekend so have more freedom. We've gone out a few times but she also has many other friends and commitments outside of her work. (she's my only friend which added to the feeling I was suffocating her)
Shed been having a few weekends away with a group of friends and was spending time/dating a guy in the group.
So I continued to make plans for a few weekends in advance as I thought she would soon have an official bf and she'd be off the grid during the first few months of a new relationship.
I asked my sis to a fancy eatery which we had to book a few weeks in advance.
unfortunately it didn't work out with the new guy.
and when it came to the day of my meal she got very funny during a phone convo and made a snotty comment about "enjoy your meal with **(sis name)"
She txt me the comment again while I was eating and then put a comment on FB about how everyone was out without her and she was being neglected. (sis saw it and showed me when we were on the bus home at 9pm) so I phoned her to see if she was ok and that I was on my way home if she needed company. She was at my house before me and stayed over 2nights.
we seemed fine after that apart from the odd fake called into work scenario but I've never mentioned it to her that I know she's lying.
she's got funny again now that I've been asked on a few dates. She wont speak to me unless she has something to say or do and calls me along for the ride. it could be coincidental that its happening at the same time I've had attention from a few guys due to meeting them in or through work.
I really don't know if I've upset her or what but it does seem like I'm being a tad used. we've never had fights and normally really support each other through life and help each other out I know she's been feeling a bit down after the way the potential BF treated her(and has admitted lying about certain aspects of their relationship because she thought I would judge her) so I've bought her cards and token gifts to show I care and I've been very careful for her not to get the wrong idea about our conversations, the one time I had to ask her a favor and she did it I bought her flowers and took her out to Dinner to show I do appreciate her.
Would really like advice.
She sounds like hard work. I think you should have to work at friendships by making the effort to meet up etc, but it sounds like you're treading on egg shells. Perhaps focus on your new job and expanding your circle of friends/acquaintances.
She is on ADs. Does she suffer from depression? Why haven't you just asked her.
You have GPS Location App so you can track each other??? That is plain weird.
She must know about the app. Is it possible she didn't want you tracking her so switched it off at her end thus making it look like she is at home?
Seriously tho you sound strange. The GPS tracker and constant calls alone would drive me nuts and why on earth is she your only friend????
Should friendship be this hard work? I don't think so tbh and you'd probably do your peace of mind a huge favour if you just slowly phase her out from your life. Whatever her problem is - and she obviously has one - if she's not prepared to be honest with you about it - well, you just don't need it do you?
She's my only long term friend, I've recently came out of an abusive relationship where my ex alienated me from everyone. (including family)
We both called each other for regular chat not just me doing all the calling so it wasn't weird we were just close.
The tracking app just shows where your contacts are on a map I use it like a Sat nav when I look for locations I'm going to for appointments, I'm new to the area. I have more than just her on it, and if it is turned off you don't show up. She actually told me about the app, She's very into FB and logging her locations when out and about so it was her idea.
I only looked on it because normally she would ring to cancel and she sent a funny txt which was out of character.
I'm not some weird stalker so I did try and leave her alone, give her space and get on with my own life when she found out she starts making hints about being alone when I'm out without her.
Yes she's on AD as well as other medications, but she's called me up many times to moan about Dr's who are basically calling her a pharmacy junkie.
you can't seem to reason with her, when I have spoken to her a few times about this and she just denys everything.
Really sounds like too much hard work. Distance yourself and move on.
Get rid of the app for starters. Stupid thing. I think she might spying on you through the app and is jealous or getting bitter about your social life. Weird.
I think you have two options.
1. Talk to her honestly and calmly, along the lines of 'X, is everything ok between us? Because there's been a few things during the last few months that's made me feel that you are somehow cross with me. Have I done something to upset you?'
2. Distance yourself from her and end the friendship.
In either case I think you need to
1. delete the app thing (it really is weird)
2. try and get out and make some new friends and acquaintences.
I've bought her cards and token gifts to show I care and I've been very careful for her not to get the wrong idea about our conversations, the one time I had to ask her a favor and she did it I bought her flowers and took her out to Dinner to show I do appreciate her. THat's really nice of you but we all have different love languages so she might not have picked up on the message that you were trying to send.
You also need to know that sometimes friendships, like other relationships just run their course.
You sound like you're more of a sounding board for her problems than an actual friend. It's a tough situation because if you stop contacting her, it'll be the whiny comments about no-one caring about her, but it doesn't sound all that healthy to continue either.
She sounds very needy. Maybe she is having a hard time with her depression and as a long time friend you are the one she falls back on? A problem with this is that at times she may resent you because you know all the 'bad' bits. You sound like a goid friend. I do think you need to talk to her.
Antidepressants can do funny things to people,they can change the way people think and if she is depressed she probably has times when her thinking isn't as rational as it should be.Be there as a friend of course but it can be hard because when you spend time with someone who behaves like that their behaviour can influence the way you are behaving.You have known her such a long time.Do you find it hard to understand that she has an illness?You might think she is being odd but you have to think along the lines that her personality has probably changed with her problems.
She does sound depressed. Some times AD's aren't quite balanced - it's not a smooth ride even with help. Not sure what to suggest really sorry. Possibly an honest talk and clear the air?
Thanks for all the advice creepy app is now history, soon to be followed by Facebook, once I have up to date contact info for friends.
She has been on AD's for over 10years now so I may be desensitized to the possible ongoing side affects. (I'm definitely no expert).
I do feel sometimes that I maybe a bit unsympathetic to her medical conditions (she doesn't display any symptoms, (they are very obvious)and although she tells me she has been diagnosed, she has been refused medications and has even admitted herself to A&E on those occasions, to yet again be refused any pain relief after this she has discharged herself and hopped from different A&Es with no joy and then she will give up and go back to the GP and make formal complaints until she has a prescription.)
Although I really shouldnt disbelieve her it is getting harder and harder to sympathise. And one reflection I feel horrid.
I do think I need to grow a pair and distance myself but it is hard especially with the guilty inducing remarks. Just tonight she heard I was taking DC out and invited herself.
I just don't want to be a bitch especially if the way she's acting is down to a medical condition.
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