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To feel completely gutted?

(38 Posts)
Bambi27 Fri 28-Jun-13 23:49:08

I have been friends with someone since primary school we lost touch for a few years over a silly argument but reconnected after a few years when we had children. From then we remained friends for a few years (very close friends would see each other at least once a week) I even made her my child's godmother. Then she became pregnant with her second child and became very distant and now we don't see each. I tried to text and ask why she was ignoring me and she just brushed it off but still made no effort to see me. Impartial friends and my husband feel I'm better off without her and feel me 'stupid' if I tried to make contact again as its only been me for months but I literally feel like I have 'split' up with someone, I miss her and her son so much and am missing out on her new child. Just feel gutted....sorry just venting really!!!!

Nanny0gg Sat 29-Jun-13 10:05:14

Of course you can share success. So fine to mention DH promotion. Less tactful to mention the doubling of the salary.
You can do nothing about the house you live in, and that she just has to accept - we live where we live and that is no-one else's business.

But keep quiet about salaries. That should be private information.

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 09:19:37

Thanks for the replies ladies! You have made me feel better smile was definitely starting to really question myself but as many of you pointed out we should be able to share success with our close friends! Onwards and upwards I suppose!!

MrsMelons Sat 29-Jun-13 08:01:51

I don't think you did anything wrong, you should be able to share anything with close friends and they should be pleased for you. It is normal to maybe envy someones situation etc but doesn't make you not pleased for them.

I don't think she is much of a friend if she has let this ruin your friendship.

birdmomma Sat 29-Jun-13 07:36:37

I think if a friend's a really good friend, then you should be able to talk about anything with them, without having to keep certain things quiet. There shouldn't be jealousy or ill feeling if you know and trust each other. At worst, a real friend might tease you or say they wish they had your luck, but good friends shouldn't really harbour resentment and quietly seethe. You shouldn't have to watch what you say around good friends. Chippy friends piss me off, and in the long run you might be better off without her.

WillowKnicks Sat 29-Jun-13 07:13:24

I understand the feeling but in the long run I think it will be easier for you that you do know why. & to be able to have closure & move on. At the moment you are feeling a kind of grief for your lost friendship but it will pass eventually

I think you did nothing wrong & a true friend might feel envious of your lifestyle but not jealous & bitter! Maybe if your husband lost his business she'd want to be your friend again...that's not what you want from a friendship!

WillowKnicks Sat 29-Jun-13 07:09:43

I understand the feeling but in the long run I think it will be easier for you that you do know why. & to be able to have closure & move on. At the moment you are feeling a kind of grief for your lost friendship but it will pass eventually

I think you did nothing wrong & a true friend might feel envious of your lifestyle but not jealous & bitter! Maybe if your husband lost his business she'd want to be your friend again...that's not what you want from a friendship!

Lj8893 Sat 29-Jun-13 06:23:52

If she is already feeling quite down about her financial situation then there's every possibility she felt that you were rubbing her nose in it with your comment about your husband doubling his income. If she then started to become a little bitter she easily could have felt the same with the new house and new car.

I'm not suggesting you were rubbing her nose in in by any means, just saying how easy it could be for her to see It this way.

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Jun-13 01:07:46

You've both changed, but in different ways.

She maybe feels she's in the same financial situation she was when younger, and seeing you emphasises that she's not as far on as she'd like to be.

You have changed financially, but are still the same in your head when you reference what you (thought you) had as friends.

If your life depended on it, which would you say, out of the two of you, was the most needy in the friendship?

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:51:37

Agent zigzag I know in essence you're completely right, I don't want to be friends with someone I have to hide any financial successes from, it's silly as I genuinely never talk about it (this post makes it looks bad as I had to explain) I have friends from all different walks of life and we all are happy for each other for all our different successes and help each other through our bad times. I am sad we're not friends but like you said don't think it's worth fighting for someone who doesn't want to be friends with me just sad about it I suppose! hmm

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:46:19

I'm not totally convinced that you do. It would appear tat the difference I your financial situations makes her sad/ uncomfortable so if you could find a way to get past it then maybeyou could stay friends. I suppose it depends how important money/status is to you both. It can't be easy and I genuinely am not unsympathetic.

AgentZigzag Sat 29-Jun-13 00:45:42

I have a friend where it was very apparent that she wasn't able to take kindly to the balance of power we both had (as she saw it) changing.

I was always the skint one who didn't have any stability, whereas she was always the working responsible adult.

How she saw things was really marked if any of that made her feel at a (perceived) disadvantage, and she thought I would think the same way as her, even though they're not things I'd give a monkeys about.

Being unequal must affect your friendship, you might not mind about any of it, but she sounds like she does.

She can probably help it as much as you can help your change in circumstances, once something rankles, it's hard to ignore it.

You have to accept she has a say in whether or not she sees you, and try not to take it personally. Although would you want to spend time with her knowing what you do now? That she thinks money/lifestyle means more to her than what you had?

Fuck that.

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:40:06

Perhaps but was just trying to be I say we were b close so would have previously been there to help with anything so was just trying to say I'd do it again...obviously wasn't what she wanted to hear, i don't know just need to move on obviously!

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:38:01

I totally agree and I did too (need help with a child)but if things are awkward between you then she is likely to be defensive and construe things the way I suggested

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:36:50

Amazingly well of I'm rubbing you up the wrong way then please feel free to stop commenting. I understand playing devils advocate but not pulling apart everything someone says!

gobbynorthernbird Sat 29-Jun-13 00:36:25

And some people enjoy being patronising...

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:36:01

X posts but actually prob appropriate response.

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:35:42

Every one needs help with a child/baby I certainly do!!

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:35:14

To a degree I'm playing devils advocate as if you want to retrieve this then you need to try to see it from her POV but I do think you would possibly rb me up the wrong way too.

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:34:29

Casmama I feel you enjoy being mean...if you can't admit that perhaps you will struggle

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:33:47

It implies she can't cope- condescending.

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:33:03

You were - nobody says "doubled their income" no matter what the circumstances, without knowing they are bragging. If you can't admit that you have no chance of getting this friendship back.

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:31:58

And 'I want to be there for you' I meant helping with her child and new baby. Wow I don't see how that's condescending...

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:30:55

Or led = doubled
"I want to be there for you" I'm not sure how you could be more condescending!

Bambi27 Sat 29-Jun-13 00:30:54

Casmama...i really want bragging, it's difficult to relay situation basically my oh had had a difficult year as had to part with partnership (which was difficult decision which caused tension with his partner) take on a apprentice, basically a lot of decisions, we were discussing this and I said well I'm v proud of him for finally doing it as it had meant he doubled his income (didn't mention earnings) it was only later I thought f when she asked about income previously that I thought this would have annoyed her...

Casmama Sat 29-Jun-13 00:27:16

I struggle to believe that you forgot the convo about how much your dh earns. You know that she financially cannot afford to make the same decisions that you can yet you felt it appropriate to mention hat your dh had or led his income?
You do know exactly why she has dropped you so let it go and think twice before bragging about your dh's salary in future.

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