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To date a friend's ex...?

(86 Posts)
WhoBU Fri 28-Jun-13 16:43:29

Have you ever done it? Would you?

Now-DP and I have been friends since we were teenagers. I moved away for uni and lived with X, who became a very good friend. Now-DP visited me, and started dating X, and they were together for 3 years. Then they split up, X moved away and dated someone else for 2 years, and now-DP dated several other people too. Over this general timescale I had two boyfriends of 2.5 years each and there was no flirtation between me and now-DP. Now-DP and I remained friends with X but didn't see her much due to distance.

Then, I split from my ex and now-DP and I started dating. We kept it quiet for a month or so (as we share a social circle and rightly knew it would be major gossip) then came clean, and I called X to let her know before she heard from elsewhere. She has barely spoken to me since.

Now-DP and I have been together for 3 years now and are very happy, but I still feel sad about losing X as a friend and miss her. She wanted to stay friends with now-DP but not me, due to my "betrayal of womanhood," as she called it in an email.


WhoBU Sun 30-Jun-13 00:40:49

I think for me it's context - he was my friend first. There's still something about it that makes me feel a bit sad, but I'm so glad I started dating him.

Bogeyface Sun 30-Jun-13 01:20:15


We had 2 best men at our wedding. Best Man 1 was Best Man at Best man 2's wedding.

BM 1 had been married to X, they split up due to BM1 being an ass about his job and X moved away. Several years later X moves back and she and BM1 have a short reconciliation that ended and gave them both closure. She then started seeing BM2 and now is married and has 2 children with him.

It has all worked out fine, everyone is happy. Seems like your friend doesnt want him but doesnt want anyone else to have him. As living said, you dont own your exes and your friend needs to remember that!

LauraRoslin Sun 30-Jun-13 13:09:20

I'm active on the professional chess scene. If people there didn't date their friends' exes, a lot of people would have very lonely lives.

KLou1105 Sun 30-Jun-13 13:56:02

I married my best friends ex boyfriend but they only together for 6months me DH have now been together for nearly 8 years. But it did ruin my friendship with best friend we do speak but were not good friends anymore. I don't regret what we did because we fell head over hills for each other and knew straight away this was it! And it was

quoteunquote Sun 30-Jun-13 15:22:14

My friends would be stuffed if I had that attitude , I did date the best out of bunch, until I found DH,

It would be very dog in the manger to hold claim to them all.

HighInterestRat Sun 30-Jun-13 15:29:15

Those chess players are dirty buggers grin.

OrangeLily Sun 30-Jun-13 15:38:08

I'm married to a friend's ex.
My other friend is married to my ex.
My ex is marrying his pal's ex too. That pal is also my ex too to make it even more complex.
smile. Sometimes people come in to your life for a reason.

OrangeLily Sun 30-Jun-13 15:39:17

AND I've just remembered that friend married to my ex is also ex's pal's ex too! smile If you can follow any of that....

hellocatty Sun 30-Jun-13 15:52:13

I think she is being ridiculous and really wouldn't give her another thought!

ZZZenagain Sun 30-Jun-13 15:56:05

how long after your friend broke up with him did you and dp get together? I think considering you go back a long way and both the friend and dp had relationships between their break-up and you two getting together, it seems a bit strange for your friend to object so much, unless she still cares for him?

Not much you can do. She has the right to decide whether to be your friend or not. Just get on with your own life and leave it to time maybe.

threefeethighandrising Sun 30-Jun-13 16:01:51

"betrayal of womanhood?!"

I agree your friend is being ridiculous.

Plenty of my friends have gone on to date other friends. DP is my best friend's ex (gap of over a decade between us being together).

It's only an issue if you make it one. It's a shame she has done, and YANBU to feel sad about the loss of the friendship, but you've done nothing wrong.

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