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To either not to go the party or expect adults not to smoke around my toddler

(136 Posts)
Lulututu Fri 28-Jun-13 15:16:51

I haven't been on in a while but I am hoping I can have some opinions as to whether I am expecting too much or been abit precious...

So my mum is hosting a baby shower for my sil....apparently it's going to be nice weather Sunday it may be held in the garden. Most of my family smoke as do sil's family and friends and I am quite fussy about smoking around my toddler. There's the obvious don't make around her indoors....but when its outdoors my mum thinks I am been fussy expecting people not to smoke around her 'as it evaporates after 10 seconds'.

So my mum has stated that she wants sil family to feel welcome so they will be allowed to smoke wherever they want outside in the small garden. I don't want my toddler running in and out of people's smoke and I can't expect her to sit still for 2-3 hours or sit indoors when all the action is outdoors so I am thinking about not taking her? Tbh I am so annoyed my mum is not bothered about my daughters health I am considering not going myself....

I asked my mum is she would have her guests smoke at the side of the house or similar in a designated smoking area...that way I don't have to worry about my toddler breathing in the smoke as i would make sure she didn't go play over there but this idea was laughed at as apparently I can't expect my lo to live in a bubble.

I just find it really awful that people would even want to smoke sat near a toddler she isn't newborn but she still has developing lungs and its gives me a headache sat near passive smoke so I don't want her exposed to it even if it is outside. Of course I can't keep my child in a bubble but I just think family, especially GP's should be abit more understanding about me not wanting a family party to have smoking around children.

So AIBU to not take my little girl with me as even though its a 'family/child friendly' party I don't see nowt it is if everyone is puffing away around her and my mum won't consider a 'smoking area'. When I told my mum I was considering not taking my daughter she said 'well what do u think is more important, X mixing with her family or you been fussy about abit of smoke' my answer to that was that 'if my family are so bothered about seeing my daughter they will hold off on the ciggies or smoke away from her while she is at the party'

I am not anti-smoking...most of my friends smoke...they just know not to do it near children.

Opinions much appreciated as no matter how I try and explain the dangers of passive smoking in children to my mum she thinks I am ridiculous as long as its not blown in her face!

Thanks :-)

cakebar Fri 28-Jun-13 15:56:18

Is your dd the only child? A baby shower sounds an adult gathering to me so I would just not take her.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 28-Jun-13 15:56:50

Will it impact your and DD's relationship with your family if you don't go OP?

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful Fri 28-Jun-13 16:03:08

If it bothers you then don't take her. I think YAB a little U expecting everyone to head to a smoking area so your dd isn't exposed to smoke in a garden for 2-3 hours.

OddBoots Fri 28-Jun-13 16:03:48

I can understand why you wouldn't want your dd there, is there anyone who would be happy to look after her so you could go without her?

Lulututu Fri 28-Jun-13 16:04:38

No my family arn't that considerate they they ill think not to smoke near my dd's normal for them and they all think I am fussy about not smoking near dd.

You can still passive smoke outdoors if there are enough people smoking and its a small garden....everywhere you turn there will be someone smoking. Also the patio area with the seating and ashtrays is near the entrance to the house where my daughter will probably be in and out like toddlers of her age do....

yes I do expect everyone else to pander to my toddlers needs of not smoking near her..if they want her to attend as much my mum says they do then they can smoke elsewhere or wait an hour or so for a cig....if that's a problem then they can't be that bothered. smokers have a right to smoke but my toddler has a right not to have to breathe it in. I don't think it's excessive for them take a short walk to the front garden and smoke ....but I know they won't unless my mum says people can't smoke in the garden where the children and heavily pregnant lady is. W are talking about a family get together not an 'adult' party.

expatinscotland Fri 28-Jun-13 16:06:35

Don't go. Expecting someone to set up a smoking area in their garden is ridiculous, IMO.

Oh, Franca, I'll add to that:
Don't move to the countryside. People regularly burn garden waste and/or have bonfires or BBQ around firepits. Lots of places heated by solid fuel, too.

Cravey Fri 28-Jun-13 16:06:43

I can't believe that you have even asked this of your mum. Anyone with half a brain will move away from your toddler. You can't ask people to rearrange everything for your child. That's madness. What happens if you are in a park and someone is smoking around you ? I find this really odd. Yabu and maybe slightly precious. I get the smoking things really do. But you already said its no smoking in the house.

Cravey Fri 28-Jun-13 16:07:47

And also after reading your last post. It's a party for someone else not your toddler. So don't take the child. It's simple really. You are coming across as really rude tbh.

MorphandChas Fri 28-Jun-13 16:08:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 28-Jun-13 16:13:06


do you walk along road that cars drive down, you dd will be breathing in fumes

best you stay in and not let any harm come to you dd it is a very dangerous world out there or stop being so melodramatic

cantspel Fri 28-Jun-13 16:13:07

If most of the guest smoke then a smoking area wont work as you will find that they all just move their chairs into that area and stay there chatting and drinking. They wont just go there for a couple of minutes for a ciggie then rejoin the party as the party will be in the smoking area and you will be sat on your jack tod away from them.

OneStepCloser Fri 28-Jun-13 16:14:27

I think if you ask for a smoking area, they will all just move to there and you could be sat on your lonesome. Either dont go or dont take your dd, it sounds more of an adult thing really.

HeySoulSister Fri 28-Jun-13 16:16:48

Are you going to be like this when she's 5/10/16?

All barbecues/receptions/parties will be out of bounds for you from now on....

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Fri 28-Jun-13 16:17:48

anyone with half a brain will move away from your toddler

No, they really don't. If that we're true then hundreds of babies and children would not still be admitted to hospital with problems caused by exposure to smoke. If it was just one or two people then its easy to avoid. If half the party are smoking at varying times in various different spots then that's enough to be pretty much a constant stream if smoke in a toddlers face. Smoke doesn't suddenly stop at alone saying "shot there's a child I can't go any further" wherever they stand however hard they try if there's enough people it will be a problem.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip Fri 28-Jun-13 16:18:27

Stop at a line

Cravey Fri 28-Jun-13 16:19:37

I am not stupid. I do realise smoke floats. Op was concerned about where the guests would be smoking. I responded by saying anyone with half a brain would move away. I'm sure they will. Op is being precious.

OneStepCloser Fri 28-Jun-13 16:22:03

x post

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 28-Jun-13 16:23:25

OP, you cannot dictate what others do outside of your home. YANBU to not go, YWBU to think that others should organize their gatherings to suit you and DD.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 28-Jun-13 16:23:31

Of course YANBU to not take your own child into an environment that you aren't comfortable with, family or not.

But YABU to expect the owner of the house, the host, and the majority if guests to revolve around your toddler. Just don't take her, or make it your job to keep her away from people while they are smoking.

If the majority of people there want to smoke, then majority rules IMO.

TheToysAreALIVEITellThee Fri 28-Jun-13 16:23:45

Yabu. Don't go if smoke drifting skywards into the ether is going to bother you.

And don't walk down the street either, I hear other people smoke outside aswell as your family.

KirjavaTheCat Fri 28-Jun-13 16:24:42

I don't think you're being precious at all OP, you say it's a small garden and with a lot of smokers in a small enclosed garden, the air is going to be filled with it. I wouldn't let my toddler run around in a haze of secondhand smoke.

LastTangoInDevonshire Fri 28-Jun-13 16:25:13

If you are worried about passive smoking OUTDOORS I suggest you go into your house, lock all windows and doors and STAY THERE.

It's outside FFS. Just don't go!

MummyOfSunbeam Fri 28-Jun-13 16:26:07

Yanbu!!! Your dm is being massively U in my opinion.

Fairyegg Fri 28-Jun-13 16:29:25

I'm one of those horrible anti ex smokers and you are being way ott.

HeySoulSister Fri 28-Jun-13 16:29:41

So groups if people are stood smoking and this toddler rocks up.... Are they supposed to move away from her?

Then she runs off to a different part of the garden, and those nearby are expected to move away from her too?

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