Advanced search

to have no idea how to handle this death?

(16 Posts)
theorchardkeeper Fri 28-Jun-13 18:03:14

Thanks for the advice.

I know im overthinking it grin

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Fri 28-Jun-13 13:44:19

Please stop worrying about what to say or do - just be you. He's with you, he loves you - you being there is all he needs from you x

RainboxFX Fri 28-Jun-13 13:34:35

Just talk to him like you are talking to us here. Tell him you love him, you are there for him, and whatever he feels or needs or want to do is not wrong. People grieve in so many different ways, when we suffered a breavement last year the people we appreciated the most were the ones who took their cues for us. Even when they were saying "We don't know what to do or say, how are you?", it just meant so much to know they cared.

You sound like a lovely person. I am sorry for you and your partner's loss.

SueDoku Fri 28-Jun-13 12:31:58

Tell him what you said in your last post ^^ it says it all...

theorchardkeeper Fri 28-Jun-13 12:29:06

I'm worried that as i have a very important essay due soon I might not have as much to give, plus my DS who's 2 takes up a lot of energy.

I'll probably find reserves i didn't know i had though.

just don't want him to feel im not fully there!

theorchardkeeper Fri 28-Jun-13 11:39:27

Really appreciate the replies btw.

Im very aware that i have no idea what it's like and know that many here do.

Im quite sad myself as she was literally the sweetest, warmest woman i knew and was kind to me from day 1 but that's like a drop in the ocean compared to what his family are going through

theorchardkeeper Fri 28-Jun-13 11:35:49

He said he's not sure what to do or say, so although I've not said 'you're in shock' it's made it look like he is.

Im very wary of presuming how he feels, comparing or judging

theorchardkeeper Fri 28-Jun-13 11:32:59

Im doing a nice meal when i get back, as he's not lost his appetite or so he says. Want him to know he can feel however he needs to around me iyswim? He often supports me as im a bit of a stressy bessy at times and he's the calm one but i don't want him to feel any pressure to be 'ok'.

I think just taking his cues and doing practical things that help is probably all i can do isn't it?

He wasn't going to tell me til i got back bless him sad i found out through friends back home

Don't expect him to necessarily be weeping and wailing. A lot of people don't really react that visibly to death, it doesn't make them cold hearted or bad people. Especially if the deceased was elderly some people don't struggle to accept death, while they are sad the person is gone they don't suffer from massive waves of grief many others do.

Neither response is wrong, just be relaxed and calm and assess his mood when you get there before making assumptions about how he should be responding.

Mollydoggerson Fri 28-Jun-13 11:28:26

It's nice when people actually acknowledge the shock.

Even saying to him, 'It must be a shock/It must be difficult', helps because it opens up an avenue for conversation. He can then talk if he wants. He might feel a bit frozen and not know what to say.

Offering to get people drinks/food/whatever, lets them know you care, but you are not forcing them to feel a certain way or you are not forcing them to talk.

theorchardkeeper Fri 28-Jun-13 11:24:50

I sort of know what not to do or say but have no idea about what i should do/say iyswim?

He's still in shock atm but i think the funeral will change that, as it's open coffin

Mollydoggerson Fri 28-Jun-13 11:23:39

You have got all the right ideas.

Just take your cues from him. Doing practical things help, helping out, getting shopping and food ready, keeping the place tidy and nurturing people in their grief, that helps. Also remember just to be there for him for the next few months. People are vulnerable for a long time after a death, it's nice to know there are people there for you.

Sounds like you are on the right track.

evelynj Fri 28-Jun-13 11:23:14

Bless you. Just be honest, say you're sorry & in shock & play it by ear. Follow his lead as everyone deals with grief differently. You will be fine. He may want to talk or ot say anything. Either is fine but is there other family members you should visit? Who will sort funeral? Maybe practiacal help for them if he wants to

Good luck

thebody Fri 28-Jun-13 11:22:48

You sound lovely. Just be there and listen. Let him talk or cry and just go with the flow. Equally if he doesn't want to talk that's ok too.

theorchardkeeper Fri 28-Jun-13 11:19:33


theorchardkeeper Fri 28-Jun-13 11:18:15

My partner's gran died on Tuesday and I've been away so am coming back tomorrow, as i couldn't leave til then.

She was 75 but seemed alright so its a shock.

I've never dealt with grief before and want to be there for him but is there anything i should avoid? My plan is to just let him talk if he wants and I'll listen and if not, then I'll just sit with him and be there for him in the physical sense.

I have no idea what to expect though and am worried about putting my foot in my mouth! Any advice would be greatly associated as my Google search just came up with obvious stuff but nothing practical and Im bricking it tbh.

Just feel so bad for him

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now