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AIBU?

To ask DH to just tell me the truth from the start.

47 replies

celebmum · 27/06/2013 22:28

i need help here because i really dont think im asking too much. DH on the otherhand thinks im the one in the wrong.
example... it all starts with DH saying hes 'going out for tea after work' with workmates. this is fine, lovely even. not a problem. i know he works hard. he deserves to chill with his mates. then a day or so before the 'event' it becomes 'going for a curry and a few drinks' when probed further i get 'i dunno, not sure if im staying out. ill just come home'.
then by the time the night out in question arrives i dont hear anything about it and it becomes a 'full night out with the lads, change of clothess taken into work and everything'...
example.. DH says hes having a night out for his birthday with workmates.. few days later night out becomes night away.. bit further on and its a weekend going walking/boozing.. when probed for further info i get 'dunno/not sure' answers.. nothing specific. yet to others hes telling them that they have b&b booked, pub crawl planned etc.
AIBU to ask DH that if hes planning a night out or whatever to just tell me that from the start rather than feed me aload of bullshit all week?? im happy for him to go out and do whatever whenever all i ask is that he keeps me in the loop. i am his DW aand them one at home with our 2DC (3yrs & 8ms) afterall.

OP posts:

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LeaveTheBastid · 27/06/2013 22:30

YANBU at all, very immature and cowardly behaviour from him.

AndHarry · 27/06/2013 22:32

YANBU, this would drive me absolutely mad. Have you talked about this before? Can you afford this kind of lifestyle? I'd be pretty hurt if DH wanted to spend his birthday away without me and the DC TBH.

catherine19 · 27/06/2013 22:34

Yeah he should tell u the full story! Wha would u say if he did. I dunno but he mite b worried u'll stop him going or something like that. Men often don't work out the details much in advance! Maye tr calmly talking to him and explain u like to know plans and why x

LalyRawr · 27/06/2013 22:41

Ugh, my OH used to do this.

In the end I got so completely pissed off with it after another day of 'just two pints after work' turned into coming in plastered at 2am, I started triple locking the door and putting the deadbolt on at whatever time he first said he would be home.

So if he said he wold be back by 7, deadbolt and triple locked up at 7. If he wasn't in, well my friend, that's just tough shit.

Only needed to do it the once!

WorraLiberty · 27/06/2013 22:44

Are you absolutely 100% sure that you wouldn't give him a hard time if he told you the plans from the start?

It seems like odd behaviour if you really don't mind.

celebmum · 27/06/2013 22:55

i might piss and moan or mutter/roll my eyes or something. make a comment etc but if he wants to go out then fine. as long as im not going to be struggling with the kids on my own its not an issue. i just get upset when he doesnt tell me the truth.
if he cant be straight with me about petty things like this then what else does he think its acceptable to lie to me about?
he says that i 'kick off' everytime (by kicking off he means a few arsy texts) but this is only because he does this every bloody time! tells me hes doing one thing but then plans another!?
hes making out that hes scared of me and that i ruin his evening, when hes the one that has drove home pissed, ranted n raved, thrown a cup across the room and smashed a glass then stomped off to bed declaring neither of us can ever leave the house again. all because ive let him know (via txt) im fucked off with him for doing it again!

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grobagsforever · 27/06/2013 22:59

Hang on, he is violent? Sounds like a shit OP. Does he often do this?

dreamingbohemian · 27/06/2013 23:01

Well... I agree he's being really unreasonable, but at the same time "i might piss and moan or mutter/roll my eyes or something. make a comment etc" is not the same as "it's fine if you go out, no problem."

So maybe the two of you can make a fresh start together? Because it sounds like a bad dynamic all around. Sit down and talk about it in advance and agree to just talk to each other directly, no games, no rolling eyes, no lying, just talking straight.

LeaveTheBastid · 27/06/2013 23:01

You can't say you are absolutely fine, even happy, for him to go out when it's clearly not the case any more

If you send arsey texts, tut and roll your eyes every time then I can understand why he is reluctant to tell you his full plans. Forget that you do this beause he never tells you what he is doing, beause you've obviously behaved in a certain way before for it to get to this point.

But regardless of how you act, or why you act that way, he still should have the balls to stand up to you and not lie to you.

I think all you can do is assume its going to be a full blown night out whenever he mentions going for dinner, not kick off, and maybe in time he will feel able to tell you the full extent of his plans.

Does he go out often? Do you get the chance to go out? You work hard too.

celebmum · 27/06/2013 23:02

no! hes definatly not violent! hes a perfect husband (almost!) in every other way. hes just got himself wound up about this and says im being unreasonable and controling because i want to know his plans.

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AndHarry · 27/06/2013 23:03

That is not on at all. It's your call but I'd be having a frank conversation about his utterly unacceptable behaviour and requesting an action plan to correct it immediately.

AndHarry · 27/06/2013 23:05

Smashing glass and storming off is violent behaviour. He needs to stop that now.

RinseAndRepeat · 27/06/2013 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

celebmum · 27/06/2013 23:07

arrgh i wouldnt do all those things! just maybe say 'fine, yeah whatever shrug.. or say 'what? again..? but i wanted to do such and such.' i never stop him going out or say he cant go or anything.

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MadBusLady · 27/06/2013 23:09

Violence includes throwing stuff about and smashing stuff. When he does that he is being violent.

Obviously it is totally reasonable that you should expect to know what his plans are. It's not "controlling" to want to know whether someone you live with is coming home tonight or not.

But if you really don't mind him going out why on earth do you moan and send arsey texts when he tells you?

celebmum · 27/06/2013 23:10

this is something that hes pretty much always done. 10yrs ago it annoyed me. now that we have young kids it really fucks me off. as its not easy doing bedtime with them both in my own. id just like a few days notice im doing it alone rather than being sat waiting for him and then find out hes not going to be there (as ive had to txt and ask him because he hasnt bothered to let me know)

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Blessyou · 27/06/2013 23:10

My DH does this too. I am pissy when he's not back when he says he will be, if he said he wouldn't be back til after midnight and don't wait up I wouldn't get pissy hours after he said he would be home.

celebmum · 27/06/2013 23:14

i dont moan about him going out. if hes going out and i know hes going out thats great. i wouldnt contact him. if he tells me hes grabbing a curry after work and then 4.5hrs later i have to ask where he is/is he coming home and he replied 'dunno, just having few drinks' thats when i get arsy.

im not good at typing this.. i need u all here to discuss with me!

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AndHarry · 27/06/2013 23:14

I'm regrouping my thoughts here so bear with me :o

YANBU to want clarity and to ask for this. YABU to say 'fine' and then send off texts but I can understand that. My DC are the same age as yours (infact are you me?!) and I would be furious if DH did this. However, he has a serious problem if he is getting wound up enough to start smashing things. I have been there. It is not a good place. I can highly recommend marriage counselling as a platform for your both to air concerns and re-establish a solid foundation to your relationship.

goodasgold · 27/06/2013 23:17

If my dh sent me grumpy texts when I was out with my friends I would be really hurt. I might also consider him to be a grumpy controlling domineering old git.

celebmum · 27/06/2013 23:18

i feel i need to clarify!
if hes going out for curry.. thats fine.
if hes going out all night.. thats also fine.
if he tells me its just a curry after work and he stays out all evening knowing full well he was going to be doing this all along.. not fine. thats gets me arsy!!

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MadBusLady · 27/06/2013 23:19

Oh well, fair enough if the arsey texting happens at 11.30 on the night in question! I misunderstood, I thought you meant being arsey when he first made the plan.

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goodasgold · 27/06/2013 23:19

I'm really sorry to say this but do you really need two days notice to be able to bathe your own children and put them to bed?

celebmum · 27/06/2013 23:19

does that make me controlling?

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celebmum · 27/06/2013 23:21

with a stroppy preschooler and a breasfed baby yeah i do! *well more than 2mins notice to be fair

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