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AIBU?

AIBU to feel totally different about my job now I have a baby?

69 replies

Redpolkadots · 27/06/2013 22:24

I used to love my job but am now facing the prospect of returning to work after my maternity leave.

I was in work this week for a day to catch up, even though I'm not due back to September (I'm a teacher)

I just felt sick being there and knowing my baby was at home with someone else.

I am going back full time as we need the money and I just feel so flat and low that I have to do this. I had made the decision to go back 4 days but dh thinks I should go back full time. We have £600 left each month after all bills are paid but he feels this wont really go very far, when we divide it in 2.

I can't really explain it but I feel really teary tonight and am probably rambling

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mameulah · 27/06/2013 22:36

YANBU, I totally understand. You will be fine though. Just work hard to find shortcuts and use your time really wisely so you can get home.

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IsItMeOr · 27/06/2013 22:37

Aw, sorry you're feeling low.

It's such a shocker how different the theory and reality of going back to work after having a baby. I had no clue how I would feel.

Luckily for me we could afford for me to stay at home for the first two years, and then go back part time with DH looking after DS on those day. But I still don't feel the same about work as I did before having DS.

I think you'll find you get used to it okay, so long as you're confident in your childcare arrangements.

Big hugs for tonight though (and I'm probably rambling too ).

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foreverondiet · 27/06/2013 22:38

Its quite hard to imagining adjusting, but once you get back into the swing of it you'll enjoy it again (providing your DC is happy) - and you can always say later that you can't manage full time and what to go down to three days.

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Pinkflipflop · 27/06/2013 22:38

I'm in the same situation very soon.

It's awful

£600 is quite a bit left over, could you def not go 4 days?

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CheckpointCharlie · 27/06/2013 22:39

Blimey, you should do the four days, teaching full time is a killer with a baby. I know!!! And you don't need the money! £600 is LOADS! And I bet you can save a shit load more than that if you have to.

Surely DH knows what your work load is like? I really think you need to reconsider and then you won't feel so awful. It is always a nightmare going back to work, especially teaching. I used to feel hypocritical as well as guilty as I was 'looking after' other people's young children all day and abandoning my own! Then I went part time (3 days) and I haven't looked back. My dd starts school in sep and only then will I go to four days.

Your DH needs to try and understand how bad you feel.

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ImagineJL · 27/06/2013 22:43

I really sympathise, I felt exactly the same, with both my kids.

And I probably shouldn't say this, because it won't make you feel any better, but I still feel like that, and my kids are 4 and 7. I miss them loads when I'm at work, I resent having to go to work, and I loathe the fact I often can't get to school events etc.

I would work as few days as you can possibly manage to be honest.

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BlueyDragon · 27/06/2013 22:44

When I was doing DD's settling in days at nursery before I went back to work, I sat in the coffee shop in the nearby village and snuffled through the 2 hours whilst texting friends and saying how guilty I felt. She was 5 months old. 6 years on she is a happy articulate little soul, her 3 year old brother is just fine too and I am happy to be at work.

Work out what balance is going to make you all happiest and go for it; it's worth remembering that whatever you do will be a bit wrong somewhere.

Good luck OP.

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WeAreSix · 27/06/2013 22:45

The anticipation is much worse than actually going back.

It's still hard to leave baby and go, but it gets easier.

Good luck

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Doodledumdums · 27/06/2013 22:46

I could have written your OP...aside from the teaching part, I am not a teacher!

I also went to work one day last week for a meeting and I couldn't believe how little I cared or wanted to be there. All I could do was wonder what my baby was doing, and whether he missed me etc.

I also have to go back full time, though am not due back until January, although for financial reasons I am likely to have to go back in October or November. It literally makes me well up just thinking about it. I genuinely don't think I can bring myself to leave my DS every single day between 8am and 7pm. It is heartbreaking.

Sorry, no advice because I am in exactly the same position, but just to let you know that you are not alone and I totally understand!

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Redpolkadots · 27/06/2013 22:46

Thanks for trying to cheer me up. I honestly can't believe how much different I feel about life now that I have a child.

Dh says 4 days teaching is pointless as you are basically doing all the work for 80% of the pay.

He's adamant that £600 is cutting it fine and why should we sacrifice our security and quality of life for me to have a day at home.

I can't explain it, I so desperately want to have a day with my baby.

I'm gutted.

I need to pull myself together but it's hard.

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ImagineJL · 27/06/2013 22:48

Do you have to do what your DH says? He sounds like he's being very unreasonable.

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theoriginalandbestrookie · 27/06/2013 22:49

Look your DH may want you to go back 5 days a week but does that mean that you will be doing 50/50 of all house work and child care? Doubt it.
£600 a month after all bills is fine. Work places are generally happy for people to up their hours, less keen on reducing once you are back. Do 4 days a week for a school year, then you can reassess.

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RazzleDazzleEm · 27/06/2013 22:50

£600 is a fortune to have spare each month.
As others have said you could probably tighten the belt much further.

on the other hand its good that you feel your baby is more important than your job.

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SquinkiesRule · 27/06/2013 22:50

If you want that day then you have to put your foot down and say so, he can't demand you do 5 if you can financially make it OK on 4. Maybe do 4 days for the next school year then up it to 5 if you need too. He needs to tighten his belt a bit now you have a family, life isn't the same as before and never will be.
How old will baby be when you go back in September? Are you already going back before summer starts?

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BlueyDragon · 27/06/2013 22:52

It's not a case of pulling yourself together, honestly, don't be so hard on yourself. The key word in what he's saying is "we" - what will make all of you happiest?

What does the £600 come down to if you work 4 days, bearing in mind you won't need to pay for childcare on the fifth day?

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slightlysoupstained · 27/06/2013 22:53

Four months ago I was having a pretty hard time wrapping my head around going back. DS just seemed to need me so much, and I couldn't picture how it would work.

Am back now, and loving it. DS is not the same baby he was 4 months ago - it's really hard to picture how much your baby will change in that time. But he's busy and curious and sociable and it's different from leaving him when he was smaller.

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RazzleDazzleEm · 27/06/2013 22:54

"He's adamant that £600 is cutting it fine and why should we sacrifice our security and quality of life for me to have a day at home."

Maybe so your little baby can also have some more of your quality time, and can feel the security of one of his parents for one more day. you know this little person who hasn't chosen to be brought into the world?

what do you mean you cant explain it? This is being a mother.

Your a mother now. Its totally natural and normal to want to spend time with your off spring especially whilst they are helpless and vulnerable.

You may have one days less money in the bank but what value can you possible put on any extra time with your baby FFS?

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Redpolkadots · 27/06/2013 22:55

It's lovely to be able to talk about how I feel and sob at the iPad

No, I don't have to do what dh says but he will be a bit disapproving if I not go ft.

We save £200 each month for hols but I think we could cut back on this.

He will do 50% of household chores, he is very good that way. I don't mean to sound sexist but a mother just has such a longing to be with her child, I think dh thinks I just want a day off.

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RazzleDazzleEm · 27/06/2013 23:00

£200 a month for holidays where do you go?

I cannot believe I am reading this.

Has he not bonded with the dc?

Who cares about him being disapproving>

I am sure someone will come along and be loads more sympathetic, maybe other issues are going on here, it sounds like maddness to me.

There is no way on gods earth I am going back so my DH isnt a bit dissaproving>!

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IsItMeOr · 27/06/2013 23:01

A day off [snorts]?!

Now I'm feeling guilty, as I have almost always found days at work easier than a day with DS. But then I'm not a teacher, so it's rare for anybody to shout at me at work.

Does DH look after your DC by himself sometimes? He's sounding a bit clueless about what it entails tbh.

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ImagineJL · 27/06/2013 23:03

I would sacrifice my husband's approval in order to have an extra day with my kids any day! You never get that time back.

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ExitPursuedByABear · 27/06/2013 23:03

What do you mean when you say split it in two?

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Prozacbear · 27/06/2013 23:06

£600 p/month spare between the two of you is a good deal IMHO.

Means you can't go crazy all the time, but if that's after bills you're doing well! And saving £200 p/month for holidays is loads - where are you going the moon??

Sorry, that's trite, but really there is room for you to cut back on work. The real issue is that you and DH have different expectations and, apparently, needs, given this new situation you find yourself in.

My opinion is that your DH should trust in your motives for wanting to be with your baby for 1 day a week. That's fine. But ... he's working F/T I assume - maybe he'd like a day at home? I honestly don't think there's a difference between the men I know and the women I know with kids ... I see DP pining for his kids when their mum has them ... I know I pine for DS when his dad has him and vice versa ... pining for your kids kind of becomes the norm, wherever they are and for whatever reason.

Then they are returned to you and start calling you "Mummy Dog" and asking you why your eyebrows are funny ....

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Redpolkadots · 27/06/2013 23:07

Sometimes I wonder if dh really understands that it's not the easy looking after a baby. I'm quite good at it though, (don't meant to be boastful)and when dh comes home baby is chilled, fed, bathed and ready for cuddles.

Dh has looked after baby a few times by himself- once when I went for a massage and then once when I got hair done. He does help and if I needed time off, he would willingly do it.

Re. hols, we go to italy, France but tbh I would be as happy with a week in a caravan. I don't have any desire to bring baby to the sun, so we could save here?

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twinklyfingers · 27/06/2013 23:07

It really shouldn't be all of the work in reality. Your job share would have to plan and deliver the lessons totally on your day off. I don't know which sector you teach in, but stand alone topics/subjects are often given in splits like this in the primary sector I think.

I really feel for you. I hope you can have a calm discussion with your dh about this. Perhaps on reflection he might see that you having a day at home would improve the whole family's quality of life, i.e. you would be cheerful, refreshed, have had a chance to spend some one on one time with lo and get some household tasks done and prepare for the weekend? I wouldn't suggest this angle otherwise, but £600 does seem like plenty spare cash to be getting on with. Hope you get something that makes you both happy sorted.