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to be annoyed dd1 is never invited to peoples houses?

(67 Posts)
muddyprints Wed 26-Jun-13 13:59:43

dd1 is 5, has a nice group of friends at school and likes to see them out of school.
she has invited them all to our house over the past 2 years, some of them have been 5 or 6 times each, they play nicely together and are no trouble so im happy for them to come over, except dd is never invited back to their houses.
she has been to one friends house once when I specifically said can we come over.
dd is quiet and friendly so I don't think there is a personality problem that they don't want her there and they keep sending their dcs to our house so don't mind kids playing together.
people say it would be nice for kids to play together and then ask what do I think, I agree, then they stand there or say cant do it at their house and wait for me to offer.
aibu to ignore hints and suggest we meet at the park?
dd likes them to play so maybe I should just keep inviting and not worry but its getting unfair, im left with the mess, the noise, entertaining dd2 so she doesn't feel left out, cooking dinner for them and dd asks why cant she play at other houses and isn't getting the opportunity to be taken round while young and get confident to go alone.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 26-Jun-13 15:57:16


I agree with that. No reciprocationat all looks a bit like you are being used for childcare.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 26-Jun-13 15:58:35


to ignore hints OP.

Hullygully Wed 26-Jun-13 16:01:01

The thing is, good manners dictate one doesn't issue an invite in the hope of reciprocation


good manners equally dictate that if one accepts invitations, one does reciprocate.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 26-Jun-13 16:03:34

exactamundo hully

expectingtoomuch Wed 26-Jun-13 16:03:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadeOfStarDust Wed 26-Jun-13 16:07:40

just be blunt - "can you have dd over for tea one day next week, she really wants to go somewhere different, and she'd feel really comfortable with you"
Some folks just don't think, some folks would say - "sorry I have DD/DH/whoever at home with SN" or "we have a dog that is not too friendly" or whatever , some would say "of course".... don't ask, don't get....

Hullygully Wed 26-Jun-13 16:10:22

I would never ask, madeof.

It's been a revelation to me, moving somewhere where people understand the rules of civilised living.

NarkyNamechanger Wed 26-Jun-13 16:13:34

I'm a childminder and just can't do it, sorry!

If it bothers you don't invite my/their child over. I don't mind in the holidays if I'm off that day but not term time.

Hullygully Wed 26-Jun-13 16:15:29

But if you had a genuine reason why you couldn't, that's fine, you'd say so, no? I'm so sorry I can't reciprocate because of X, but I'll do Y in the holidays/whatever.

No one would mind that.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 26-Jun-13 16:15:50

I wouldn't ask, but sometimes the children may have arranged something between them during the day. In those circumstances I approach the other parent, tell them the DCs have cooked something up between themselves, and if it's convenient to me, I'll offer to have them at ours (through gritted teeth sometimes ..)

I think it's rude to present the other parent with a fait accompli and I always tell my DS that he can't assume he can go to someone else's house.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 26-Jun-13 16:18:01

yy hully

I do say when it isn't convenient. I think it gives the other parent permission to refuse sometimes as well. Some parents worry about disappointing their DCs more than I do ....

Kat101 Wed 26-Jun-13 16:26:56

Am glad I've seen this thread, was wondering if other kids didn't like mine.

GreenShadow Wed 26-Jun-13 16:31:26

This is us - the parent who doesn't like to say no and ends up hosting.

Ours are older now, but we still tend to have people here more than ours going elsewhere.

Sometimes there were good reasons - one mum was OCD and just couldn't have other children in her home, some worked and some may not have had much space. Then again, some parents just refuse or in some cases, are just weird.

Yes, it is still a pain sometimes, especially when several large teens descend on us, but I like to think that it is nice that the DC feel they can bring friends back.

TheRealFellatio Wed 26-Jun-13 16:39:49

I have always taken it as a compliment that my children are happy to invite all and sundry back to ours - especially as older teens. I think it's a secret sign that I am very, very cool.

or that I always have beer in the fridge

TheRealFellatio Wed 26-Jun-13 16:44:00

It's tricky when they are little though - if their bezzie happens to belong to one of these odd/uptight anti-social or 'always so very busy' parents, trying to explain why you are cheesed off to a small child without sounding bitchy and saying 'well he can't come round again because his bloody mother still hasn't invited you.'

It's better to just rise above it than to disappoint your child, but it does stick in the craw after a while, especially if you feel you are being taken advantage of.

Crowler Wed 26-Jun-13 16:52:23

It is better to rise above, and you can play the unhinged passive aggressive game I mentioned a bit back.

I think it teaches your kids a pretty good lesson, which is don't let other people's bad manners get the best of you, or change your course of action.

facedontfit Wed 26-Jun-13 17:14:00

It's a relief to know this isn't just me. Numerous invites to daughters school friends and very very occasionally she gets a return invite. Most never return the invite, leaves me full of self doubt, thinking there is something wrong with us/family/daughter, but then remember they "bite my hand off" to accept the invite!
Daughter (9) is an only child so is often lonely.
The kids always seem to have a good time and take them out for treats (cinema, theatre, swimming, soft play etc, paid for by me, oh no can feel myself getting bitter and twisted )

Like OP some friends have 5/6 invitations and no sign of a return invite -to me that is downright rude & inconsiderate.

Parents all very well off, but have come to the conclusion very cliquey maybe because I don't leave in a big house with an AGA smile

Jinty64 Wed 26-Jun-13 18:32:21

I work full time. Ds3 (6) goes to after school club where he can play with his friends all afternoon. His friends mums will offer to collect him from school and have him to play and I let them know that I can't reciprocate. I do take his friends to soft play at the weekend occasionally but, after working all weekend, I generally like peace and quiet to do my own thing at the weekend. I don't ask for favours with childcare. I book it and pay for it.

VonHerrBurton Wed 26-Jun-13 19:38:12

As the parent of an only child, I made a point, very early on in his life, of having anyone and/or everyone he wanted round to play as we were very aware it was our choice to have one child, not his choice to have no siblings!

Any name that was mentioned from nursery onwards wad met with a 'di you want him/her to come round to play?' normally he'd say yes - everyone happy.

I noticed generally the dc with older or multiple siblings were the least likely to invite him back. I guessed it was either a case of 'been there, done playdates' or 'have 3 dc, they'll all want someone back and it will be like Grand Central Station' or simply can't be arsed. That's fine! I'm still happy to have well behaved, polite and quiet kids over, id hate ds to feel lonely and my parents were anal about lots of children in the house, I don't want my house to be like that.

I'm thrilled now ds is nearly 11, they all congregate here. Long may it continue! I heard one boy say, earlier on today actually, "your mums so cool Von, you're dead lucky"

pigletmania Wed 26-Jun-13 20:04:04

No is a whole sentence. They sound like tey are using you op

ManifestoMT Wed 26-Jun-13 21:13:38

Tidy mums might not mind but children from tidy homes do notice and comment. This was after I had tidied up .
I do all the tidy children in one huge play. It takes at least 2 or 3 days to sort out the house especially if I have been on a big project and worked all hours for weeks.

I do apologise to all and sundry when I don't reciprocate and I feel guilty I think it also helps if you know the mums better than a nodding aquaintance.

Also usually dd friends tell her to ask me to let them come and play so that usually gives me the impetus to get the black bin bags out and do a sort through all the detritus in the house.

BackforGood Wed 26-Jun-13 21:39:53

I wouldn't let my DD go to play at anyone's hues unless I was willing to reciprocate, it's only fair

How sad - so, another child likes your child, but, because of any one of many reasons listed above you can't have people back at the moment, by your logic, you mean your child can't go an play there either ?

As someone said, some people enjoy hosting, others find it stressful. People all have different circumstances. I treat each invitation as it is - an invitation. If my dc wanted to go, they could. IF the parent didn't want them there, then presumably they wouldn't ask them again.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar Wed 26-Jun-13 22:07:56

BackforGood, OP isn't getting any reciprocal invites! I never said I'd have them over the next day but I would reciprocate, it's hard work sometimes but as I said only fair

morganster Wed 26-Jun-13 22:14:00

My dd has three friends. one who's mum is a cminder - so she is never invited there because of numbers. One who's mum is like me - we'd rather go to the park for an hour or two. the other is fully into - come round for tea every week - what does she like/not like? she doesn't like pasta I say. for three weeks in a row she offered her pasta and lo and behold she didn't eat it. the next week - well I don't think she should come for tea any more because she doesn't eat anything. yes she does actually - just not pasta. we are in the world of stuckupedness here tho - it's a minefield in itself.

I had a woman practically hound me for weeks on end because her dc didn't have a friend and mine was friends by chance with the "popular" one. The lengths she would go to were just horrendous. I'd say "no we can't come out today". Then she'd get down on my 4 year old's level and say - but you want to come round and play don't you, isn't mummy mean.

I just think people have difference lives and different needs. Some dc have loads of out of school company, others don't. Some dc's parents are the sociable free house type, others are either busy, stressed or agrophobic.

It's too simplistic to say well i had their's round this week, they should invite mine next week.

Ixia Thu 27-Jun-13 09:25:59

Can't believe how petty people are about this. You invite a child to play as it's something your own child will enjoy, why would there be an expectation for a return invite? It's almost as rude as being cheesed off because you've given someone a gift and not recieved one in return.

I do invite kids round, but I hate it, DD always seems to pick the fussy eaters from immaculate homes. She also behaves badly when she has a guest, but is fab at other's houses.

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