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To say nothing to my friend?

(15 Posts)
SenoritaViva Tue 25-Jun-13 14:00:34

My friend left her husband for a man she'd known for 2 weeks and he left his wife and small children for her.

Within a month she had introduced him to her children. They are talking of moving in together and are like love struck teenagers. I think she's made a mistake, but hope i am wrong. I feel that if this is true love then she could have waited so her kids can adjust to the idea that their parents are no longer together (but she'd done it before i could say anything - I definitely would have if I'd known). There's something about it though that just doesn't seem right, too rushed and mad for her and possibly a bit of a mid life crisis.

But it's done now and she's so blinded by love for him I know she would just dump me as a friend. Am I unreasonable to say nothing of my thoughts and hope that one day I won't have to pick up the pieces? I did try gently to get her to see about slowing things down but she won't listen.

Is it wrong to stay out of someone's business and just be their friend even if what you think they're doing is a bit crazy?

everlong Tue 25-Jun-13 14:02:59

If this was me and one of my good friends I would definitely say something.

Bobyan Tue 25-Jun-13 14:03:13

I say what I think and think what I say.

I really couldn't be friends without being honest.

Dahlen Tue 25-Jun-13 14:07:23

You have to judge it on her personality, your tact, and the strength of your friendship.

I think real friends are the ones you can rely on to tell you the unpalatable truth at a time when fair-weather friends (or people who don'ty have to be around to pick up the pieces) will simply tell you whatever you want to hear.

However, there is a vast difference between tactful advice and full-on criticism.

Whatever you say, be sure to follow it up by saying that you love seeing her excited and happy, and that having said your piece you wish her all the best and will be there to support whatever decision she makes. And while you hope you don't have to, if it goes wrong, you'll be there for her without saying "I told you so."

Snoopytwist Tue 25-Jun-13 14:08:07

If you say something to her, do you think she would listen? Likelyhood is, she will tell you to butt out...

She is a grown woman and she is making her own choices, even if you think they are the wrong ones. When someone is is the throes of a new relationship like this, they don't want to hear about mistakes, however gently you might put it. Stick around to support her if it all comes crumbling down, but you never know, it might just work out...

SenoritaViva Tue 25-Jun-13 14:08:23

Yes, I normally say what I think and have said a few bits, I couldn't hide my horror that the kids had met him. Without drip feeding there are other aspects, it's all so complicated and I hate saying nothing but there's so many angles I hardly know what to say.

Smartieaddict Tue 25-Jun-13 14:08:37

I think you've done exactly the right thing. You say you've tried to tell her, and she has not listened, so all you can do is hope for the best for her, and be there to support her if and when it all goes wrong.

SenoritaViva Tue 25-Jun-13 14:13:30

Snoopytwist - that's it. In the beginning she asked my opinion and I gave it to her. As the relationship has developed she's cut herself off and wouldn't want to hear it.

Dahlen - that's the approach I took in the beginning. Now I wonder whether I'd either just be criticising or being seen as taking her ex's side (I am good friends with him) and if I'm honest I feel angry on his behalf (although he has not asked this of me, he is being brilliant with the kids but utterly broken).

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 25-Jun-13 14:20:00

What would be the point?

It won't change her mind. After she's done all this for a man she's known for such a short period of time, been ok with the collapse of 2 families and thrown kids into this new situation without regard for how difficult it is for them - do you really think that if you Tell It Like It Is - she'll say ok, of course, you're right, I'll slow down.

No. She'll just turn on you.

Clearly her and this bloke are bonkers. They've behaved horribly selfishly but they're not going to listen to you or anyone else. They no doubt think they're in the middle of a tragic love story hmm

I think you should be a friend to those kids. They're going to bloody need one.

SenoritaViva Tue 25-Jun-13 14:36:01

Thanks imtoohecsy (great name). It is slightly batshit crazy. Right at the beginning she was considering staying with husband for him and the kids or whether to 'take the selfish route'. I think once having taken the selfish route she must have thought why stop there? I think she also kids herself about how bad her marriage was and that the kids are 100% fine (they're doing we'll considering...)

Dahlen Tue 25-Jun-13 18:31:20

Just to put a slightly different spin on things, you may want to rethink the introducing new partner to the DC. Although in this case it sounds like she's handled it all wrong and too full on.

Unlike most people I think it's a good idea to introduce DC quite quickly once you think you're having a LTR rather than just dating someone. If you wait you run the risk of being too emotionally invested in the relationship to see any subtle red flags in the relationship between DC and new partner - including just a clash of personalities.

However, the introductions should be done on a very, very casual basis where there is no opportunity for a real bond to develop between new partner and DC. Children can cope with passing transient relationships very easily (think caregivers, teachers) as long as they aren't over-bonded through bedtime stories, playing happy families all weekend, etc.

However, it sounds like your friend has pitched straight into the 'happy families' mode, which is a really bad idea for the children, poor things.

Mouseface Tue 25-Jun-13 18:40:07

If she brings you into it, then I'd say something, tell her how you feel I mean.

It depends if you know all parties concerned.

It also depends how close or not you are to her and those involved.

If she wasn't happy and he wasn't either, they'd both 'tried' to make relevant relationships work and both were hitting a wall then, I guess life is too short to wait and see.......

I'm not one for staying with someone for the children's sake, sorry to those who are. Not for me. I'd rather have happy children and separated happy parents than war zones.

It's hard really, she's going to feel shitty for leaving him, and for taking his children 'away' but if they can all be amicable, then I'm sure life will settle, hopefully it will work out and all will be good.


SenoritaViva Tue 25-Jun-13 19:05:14

Yes mouseface, it's not the leaving of her husband I feel uncomfortable with, desperately sad yes but who am I to judge, I wasn't part of their marriage. They'd definitely hit a rut. It's the speed if the relationship with the kids. They are old enough to understand mum and dad aren't together anymore but not old enough not to realise chattering away about mum's boyfriend is quite hurtful for him. Very sad. Her ex is half the man and gutted.

dufflefluffle Tue 25-Jun-13 19:11:01

My opinion is that you are her friend and your job is to support her (not necessarily encourage) but to listen and be a shoulder for her to cry on if it doesn't work out and be pleased for her if it does.
Their marriage might have broken up anyway whether or not he happened along. The thing is your opinion is not going to break up her marriage but may make it impossible for her to confide in you if she needs to.
I have just been through this decision with a friend and I chose to listen and not judge (although the conservative part of me thought AAGGGHHH! at times). It all fell apart in the most unexpected, catastophic way and I was very glad I was there for her.
But that's just my opinion - you have to do what you feel is right.

dufflefluffle Tue 25-Jun-13 19:12:21

is not going to break up her marriage
oops that should be: not breaK up her relationship!

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