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DH telling FIL details about our finances

(23 Posts)
wealthypensioneriamnot Mon 24-Jun-13 13:14:48

My FIL always seems to ask about the price of everything we buy . Just nosy I guess. Recently he asked my husband how much money we both got each month and how much we had in savings . My DH simply gave him the information and I was pretty angry, although I waited until we were alone to tell him how I felt . He said that he has " that sort of relationship " with his dad and just because I didn't it didn't mean that he couldn't tell him stuff .I pointed out that these were " OUR " finances ( all our money etc. is in joint names ) and not just HIS financial details and that I did not wish his father to know the details . He couldn't see what I was making a fuss about and I'm not really sure myself why I feel so strongly except to say that I would like to have some privacy .... things that are only just between us two . Interestingly he said that he wouldn't want our two children to know our financial details . Also interestingly SIL and BIL , until recently have kept their financial details to themselves , SIL always pleading poverty . As a a result of a family problem last year he found out about their finances and was quite surprised that in fact they were better off than he had been led to believe.

Sorry to go on and on but ..... he always gives us little " lectures " about how lucky we are ..... if we've been out for a nice meal for example . It's as if he thinks we are unaware of this and must be told like children. It wouldn't be so bad if he actually ever gave any money to charities but he never does .

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 24-Jun-13 13:31:56

Given your DH's keenness for shared holidays this doesn't come as a big surprise. FIL's interest may be a mixture of concern and pride - the older generation likes to think their children are secure and have prospered. Is it possible FIL is planning how to divvy up inheritances? Some people do seem to share that kind of information well into adulthood, your DH evidently feels he has no secrets from his father. To be fair I probably disclose intimate things to close friends that my DH wouldn't dream of sharing, we all have different ideas about what is best kept quiet about.

MondayMorningGreens Mon 24-Jun-13 13:35:51

Hmm, I can see both sides here.

On the one hand, I can see why you feel uncomfortable for your DH to disclose your details, or the shared details of which you make-up 50%, to his dad, who really has nothing to do with you However, if DH wants to share details of his earnings and his finances, I don't see that you have any recourse to stop him or complain about it.

On the other hand, I've never really seen the big problem with people (and by that I mean family members who I trust) knowing how much we earn and how much we have in savings.

<not helpful>

MondayMorningGreens Mon 24-Jun-13 13:37:42

I'd also agree with Donkeys that it can be a pride thing. My mum loves hearing how much me and DP earn and have saved because she's always worked in very very low paid work and is really proud and pleased for us that we have the sort of money she never has had.

Not sure if that makes sense hmm

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 24-Jun-13 13:41:46

I guess the thing that would be awkward even if you weren't bothered by DH telling his dad, would FIL then blurt it out to others or put you on the spot somehow?

wealthypensioneriamnot Mon 24-Jun-13 14:37:03

I think that part of my annoyance is that because of my own family background I have not been used to this sort of " sharing " of what I consider private information. It is also because in the past my husband has been annoyed with me for telling others things he doesn't think should be shared. I've found this confusing because I would tell his parents about something we were going to do e.g.go to see a friend for a weekend ....and he would be annoyed and say it was nothing to do with them ! But, when it comes to serious stuff like money it is apparently ok to share the information. A case of one rule for him and another for me perhaps ? I don't actually think FIL is thinking about inheritances etc. as he has sorted all that out and both his children know that . I think I was right in saying he is nosy !!! I also don't like the idea that my SIL knows all our private details ..... after all we don't ask her to " share " and neither me nor DH would ask , but I am pretty sure that FIl tells her stuff because of comments she has made ..... not nasty comments by the way .I suppose in short I just don't think it is anyone's business but ours and its not as if we borrow or take money from him in which case he might have a vested interest .

As for him taking a pride in what his son has achieved I often think the opposite is the case. He shows little interest in what my DH does and rarely asks about the voluntary work he does or about any plans we may have .... unless they involve him .Time spent on the telephone once or twice a week seems only to involve him telling DH what he has been doing and very little else . I actually think he would prefer it if we WERE hard up and reliant on him . He has given money to his daughter over the years for various things and she herself has said that he enjoys this because he feels it gives him some control over her . Not something I would want ... no thanks ! She has told me things in the past or asked for advice and asked me not to tell her father as she " can't face another lecture " . I actually think that the less he knows about various things the better ... but obviously DH doesn't always agree with me .

Triumphoveradversity Mon 24-Jun-13 16:38:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iklboo Mon 24-Jun-13 16:52:25

We recently told FIL that I can earn about 3 times as much as DH in a year (DH is self employed) because he was bapping on that a woman's place is in the home looking after the kids & 'it's not right' that I go out to work. Even though DS is in school full time.

NO disrespect to SAHMs at all - it's just a situation that works for us. There have been years where we'd have been bankrupt if I wasn't working.

MummytoKatie Mon 24-Jun-13 19:19:10

My family are "financial discussers" and dh's are not.

As a result I tell my parents my financial details (ie how much I earn) but not how much dh earns.

They have a vague idea about how much we have in savings "don't worry mum - we have enough savings to cover my maternity leave and to leave a decent buffer in case the boiler blows up."

They roughly know how much our mortgage is but dh is happy for them to know this as my mum's hobby is to scour for the best mortgage and savings deals available (retired accountant -apparently she hates flower arranging!) and knowing our rough mortgage value means she can find us the best deal - hours of fun for her, £££ saved for us. Win win.

AllSWornOut Mon 24-Jun-13 19:39:14

YANBU my husband has this sort of relationship with his parents, I do not with mine. I hate it when he overshares and over the years we've come to an agreement that he can share his business but not mine.

In our case, although I don't really see the need to share our financials as it's just to satisfy their noisiness, it's more because the PILs are major worriers. So DH will tell them that my car's in the garage and FIL won't sleep for a week worrying that I'll have an accident with DC in the car or something. Drives me round the bend ('scuse the pun) and I hate being quizzed or having something brought up for months afterwards that was totally insignificant.

NotYoMomma Mon 24-Jun-13 19:43:25

I think YABU and I agree with your DH

t because you dont have that sort of relatiobship with your parents doesnt mean he can't.

I chat about money with my mum all the time, what we are saving towards etc. She helped us out temporarily recently with sone money so we wouldn't have to get a loan and we pay her back.

She knows we are sensible and open and her and my father are the same

SanityClause Mon 24-Jun-13 19:58:56

My PIL are like this. They want to know everything, including from how much we pay staff in our business, to how much we paid for our new window washer, and everything in between.

So bloody annoying! YANBU!

CloudsAndTrees Mon 24-Jun-13 20:03:05

It doesn't sound like you like your FIL very much, so it's not surprising that you don't want him to know things.

But I think YABU. It is ok for your DH to share some of his financial information with his own Dad. It's not the way you would talk to your parents, but it's no less valid.

When my children are adults I think I'd want to know whether they had savings or if they were in financial difficulty or whatever the situation may be. But it would be out of love and of wanting to know that they are ok. It wouldn't be for the sake of nosiness annoying their wives.

digerd Mon 24-Jun-13 20:18:53

My DH , his family and my family never discussed income as that was a private matter.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 24-Jun-13 20:24:55

But he's not just sharing his information he's sharing the op's as well.

Fine tell who ever you want about your own income but you don't get to make that choice for others even if you are married to them.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 24-Jun-13 20:57:01

But likewise, you don't get to make the choice that someone can't continue the open relationship they had with their parents even when you are married to them.

People do usually realise they have to compromise when they get married.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 24-Jun-13 21:00:51

But he could continue his open relationship by just sharing his own info.

CloudsAndTrees Mon 24-Jun-13 22:03:51

Not if they follow the MN rules of having completely joint finances be couldn't!

By default, his info is her info, but it's still his info to share if he wants to.

I think it's very controlling to tell someone what they can and can't talk to their own parents about.

2rebecca Mon 24-Jun-13 22:20:01

My family don't discuss money much (apart from to email each other with bargains, we'd never say "how much do you earn" that would be rude). Luckily my husbands family are similar.
If my husband went round telling people about our finances I'd be very unhappy.
It really shouldn't be that important to other people.
If my husband did dicuss our finances with his family I'd ask him not to and to just be vague "oh I'm not sure" "we have enough at the moment" that sort of thing.
I do think my wish to have some privacy should come before his parents' nosiness.
Asking someone's opinions on investing, mortgage options is fine.
"Exactly how much money do you have in your savings account" isn't.
That is intrusive and rude.

ENormaSnob Mon 24-Jun-13 22:20:18

I would be pissed off too.

My finances are my business.

inabeautifulplace Mon 24-Jun-13 22:25:20

Simply ask your FIL how much he has in savings and investments... I'll bet that he finds it impossible to answer your question.

Kafri Mon 24-Jun-13 22:27:49

My inlaws, mil especially thinks she should know the details of every single aspect of our life.
To the point where if I mention, for example, a friends (of ours, not hers) wedding - she immediately puts it in her diary.
I can completely understand why you don't think it's any of your fils business and dh should be more willing to give out less detail IMO

olgaga Mon 24-Jun-13 22:43:04

I agree with Clouds. OP what's interesting here in terms of potential for conflict is the fact that your DH decides what can or can't be shared about your lives.

You on the other hand get "told off" for sharing the most mundane information.

OP I certainly agree that it's your DH's need to control your involvement in these discussions which is the problem, rather than your FIL's (probably well meaning) concern about your finances.

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