To feel so upset at death of ex-H?

[ally2006]

Don't know if this the right place for this, but need to get it out as cannot relly talk to DH. I was married in my early 20's, a marraige which was a bad idea from the start although ex-H and I did have some good times, but towards the end he drank and had affairs - eventually left and I took over the mortgage (could just about keep my head above water) and divorced him, went back to my old name. We had no DC.

Roll forward 15 years and I have remarried to lovely DH, have a DSD and DS and think that I have been very fortunate. Anyhow last week out of the blue I had a letter from the Dept for Work and Pensions - I had been tracked down via my NI number. There was an enclosed ;letter from a pension company that stated that my ex_H had died and that they had been trying to trace any potential beneficiaries for nearly 2 years. I rang and explained that as we divorced I am no longer next of kin so obviouslsy not a beneficiary, they were v apologetic but then asked me loads of questiosn about any other relatives, it was clear that there had been no success in getting hold of any next of kin even his Dad :(

I cannot help but feel sad that anyone would die, relatively young, and there be no family traceable. It's not as if I have given him more than a moments thought for the last 10 years, but I feel so sad and upset at this and that I will never know what happended. DH knows about the letter but is mystified why I am this upset.

Sorry not sure what I am asking really but this is really preying on my mind. Has anyone got any advice?

Thanks x

[SisterMatic]

Of course yanbu, he was a part of your life..your first husband. It's okay to grieve for him if you want to. It doesn't mean you still hold a candle for him. I am sorry your upset.

[littlewhitebag]

He is someone you used to care about so it is very reasonable that you would be upset to hear of his death, especially as he has died without any close family around.

I had an Ex Bf who died. I was married by then and so was he. He and his wife died in a car accident going to tell his in laws they were expecting their first child. I was distraught. He was my first real love when i was 17/18 and my DH was very understanding about how i felt.

[VBisme]

Of course you'd feel sad that someone you once loved enough to marry died without anyone being close to them.

I'm not suprised you haven't thought of him for a long time, why would you? but I do think that you kind of hope people that you've "left behind" are still okay and having a decent life. It's human nature.

[parakeet]

I can completely understand why you are upset. But seeing how he has reacted it might be more diplomatic to discuss this with your friends (or us) than your husband.

You say he drank, so perhaps that is why he died in such sad circumstances. I don't want to sound heartless but it looks like it was for the best that you split up as he obviously couldn't control his drinking.

[StanleyLambchop]

I would be upset if a friend I was close to years ago died, even if I had not seen them for years. This is more than a friend, this is a man you loved enough to marry and that you shared a life with (for a time)

Your DH is being a bit BU to not understand that, it is not up to him how you grieve.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

YANBU. That does sound like a very sad story and I think your reaction is understandable.

[TheRealFellatio]

YANBU at all. I married disastrously young the first time, and for all the wrong reasons. Although my ex-H could be emotionally abusive and a total nightmare in many ways, I also remember the many, many happy times we had over the 8 years we were together and I would be very sad to learn that he had died while still a relatively young man. It's perfectly ok for you to feel sad about someone that was very big part of your life.

[Buzzardbird]

I am sorry for your loss, you would not be human if you didn't feel something :(

[EagleRiderDirk]

YANBU at all, it shows you have a good heart.

FWIW I would be upset to discover my XH had died. His mother is a whole other kettle of fish

[squoosh]

YANBU.

You're mourning for someone who was at one stage the most important person in your life. Knowing as well that they probably had a sad and lonely ending would make anyone emotional.

[EugenesAxe]

I would be (well, am!) upset to hear of anyone dying in this situation, whether known to me or not, so YANBU.

I just think it shows you are a human - just because it didn't work out for you with him, you weren't wishing him ill; in your shoes I'd be wondering whether the alcohol got out of hand, was he employed with somewhere to live, was he in pain & was he lonely when he died - all upsetting thoughts to have. It sounds a sad story and I'm really not surprised you are this badly affected, given how close you once were.

I don't think your DH should feel threatened at all; most women are nurturing types that are moved deeply by any sort of suffering. A lot of men are too, obviously, but it can't be quite as innate or the chick-flick would not exist as a concept.

[Hassled]

Of course you're upset - there was once a time when you loved him enough to marry him, whatever happened subsequently. And yes, it's so sad they can't trace a family. Hope you're OK - it's a lot to take in.

[TiredFeet]

of course yanbu. of course not.

my ex- boyfriend died when I was in my early twenties. of course it is normal to grieve for someone who was a big part of your life. in some ways I think it can be harder if there is a complicated background as well. do you have friends from that time or similar who you could talk to about it, it helped me to share memories and feelings with people who had been around when we were together.

[snooter]

Sad news - you loved him once

[lougle]

YANBU, but I really don't think AIBU is the right place when you are feeling sensitive.

I'm sorry for your loss.