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To not adjust my parenting style because it makes you feel threatened

(87 Posts)
MoltenBlondie Sun 23-Jun-13 19:35:12

I'll start by saying I am nowhere near perfect as a mother, DS is only 18 months and already watches a fair bit of TV, to give one example

But anyway. I have found since he was very little, that if it was discovered that I did something differently to another person (largely MIL, DM and my older sister, but friends too), that they would scoff and try to belittle my choices.

Found it quite upsetting at times but DP has a theory that when I do something differently, it makes them question the way that they parent/ed their children and therefore makes them feel indirectly 'criticised'.

For example DM thinks I'm 'snobby' as I won't let DS have juice in a bottle, DMIL thinks I'm 'mean' for being rigid with bedtimes, Dsis thinks I'm 'controlling' for already insisting DS says 'ta'! and tells me "there's no way you'll have time to be so precious about manners when you have your second" (am currently pg, she has 3)

Why should it bother them so much? Do you think people who do this are genuinely threatened (not even sure that's the right word) by different styles of parenting or after some validation that their own parenting methods were fine?

I should add that I don't volunteer this information, they just witness it when they see me.

probably shouldn't add that I have started to antagonise them a bit now for fun, eg talking to DS loudly about GOING TO BED AT 7, AS THAT'S YOUR BEDTIME EVERY NIGHT, WITHOUT FAIL, ISN'T IT

Smithlings Tue 25-Jun-13 10:19:32

I think all your choices sound very sensible, so if you're family are picking at you, it's probably because they know that really and feel a bit guilty/envious. It will wear off in time when they see your children growing up into lovely young people!

Lol Mrs MangoBiscuit - my DD3 is exactly the same - she gets so much praise for her charming manners she works it for all she's worth! They're not stupid!

ZiaMaria Tue 25-Jun-13 09:08:54

This has been an education. Ta. smile

We have a routine much like yours OP (though no words yet). Deviation from the routine does occur occasionally, but DD gets a bit cranky so we try to keep it fixed.

You sound like a great mum.

chocoluvva Mon 24-Jun-13 23:12:10

Who knew that 'ta' is such a fraught term of thanks? shock

LillyGrinter Mon 24-Jun-13 19:07:01

I'm with 'MadeOfStarDust' regarding bedtimes. I aim for 7PM but life often pushes it to a later time and at weekends I get a lie in if DD goes to bed later. I don't give juice at all but still giving milk in a bottle at bedtime and DD started saying Ta at 1 when she started at nursery. One thing I've come to realise is thatParenting is a not an exact science!

MadeOfStarDust Mon 24-Jun-13 16:23:48

Everyone's parenting style is different -

we have never had rigid bedtimes here - too much going on, too much travelling about, too many ill relatives to care for and visit etc.... the kids fit in with our family life... they are 10 and 12 now and can still fall asleep to order...

maybe they think having a rigid bedtime is building up trouble if things do change.. rigid bedtimes can end up meaning a child can't get to sleep easily any other time, so why do it deliberately....

you see..... I sound judgy .... because my way works for me....

Elquota Mon 24-Jun-13 16:07:25

> Is "ta" considered a more casual form of "Thank you?"

Yes, it's more casual and perhaps more friendly too. In certain parts of the country it's not in any way unusual for adults to use "ta", to friends, to a shopkeeper or bus driver etc.

MoltenBlondie Mon 24-Jun-13 14:50:07

Ack, please, I am not a parenting bore! I didn't start by drawing attention to my choices, it was other people's choice to draw attention to them and make me feel like I had to defend myself

And, look, we are not talking about masses of people - just three immediate family members and a couple of friends. Most people, quite rightly, could not give a shit.

But for people here who are claiming I am being over sensitive and seeing criticism where there is none, just look at how many people have had something to say about TA!

I don't bang on about things, i hate labels eg 'attachment', 'blw', I don't stick pictures on my Facebook wall, advertising my choices eg "Harry getting to grips with BLW" or shite like that - as at least three people I know have done!

MiaowTheCat Mon 24-Jun-13 14:30:59

Ta as the precursor to thank you when they're old enough - no problem at all. DD1 said it in the correct context for the first time today and it made my morning (then she wouldn't have a nap which un-made it!)

However waffling on about parenting styles - ffs - quit seeking a bloody label and just bloody do it and enjoy your kids without worrying that the rest of the planet's doing it the same way (and that goes for everyone)!

UniqueAndAmazing Mon 24-Jun-13 14:17:43

fred - it was a joke.

Feminine - it is casual, yes. Perfectly acceptable within normal casual situations (such as within family, or close friends, when someone hands you something etc. not for more formal situations where you might need to use thank you. such as a shop, or a visit etc)

I think this is getting a bit blown out of proportion here

2rebecca Mon 24-Jun-13 13:19:04

My kids said ta when they were toddlers, now they are teenagers they say thanks. They don't talk about moo cows any more either, to me it's just age appropriate language.
I don't think it matters how formal your thank you is as long as you say it. I'd rather my kids said ta than nothing.

CecilyP Mon 24-Jun-13 13:11:44

Agreed, RazzleDazzle, two of OPs examples are just different ways of doing things. Neither exactly right or wrong, though I think I have the same negative reaction to 'ta'.

Where juice in a bottle is concerned, OP is 100% right, and perhaps her mum is the one being a snob if she is suggesting only a certain demographic know the effects of juice in a bottle on teeth.

cantdecideonanewname Mon 24-Jun-13 13:09:49

I said this to my DH in regards to my choice to try and breast feed, neither of our mothers or SIL etc etc breast fed and they seemed to take my decision to breast feed as me insulting the choices they all made. They seemed to take pleasure in my feeding not working out very well too.

They've had/have their babies and did/do it their own way. Keep parenting your child your way.

Feminine Mon 24-Jun-13 12:58:02

Is "ta" considered a more casual form of "Thank you?"

I use it, so does my Mum.

Just wondering...

JenaiMorris Mon 24-Jun-13 12:55:37

But she's getting it from dozens of people - that's not normal!

Either she's taking general chit chat about different approaches as criticism far too readily, or she's getting people's backs up.

As a new parent it's easy to fall into either trap.

Beamae Mon 24-Jun-13 12:43:39

I don't think the OP is smugly lecturing everyone on her superior choices though. She is having her choices challenged and belittled, forcing her to defend her decisions.

FanjolinaJolie Mon 24-Jun-13 07:39:27

You sound like you are making the right choices for your LO, so just go with it and try not to let other peoples opinions get to you.

I look at all the happy children who are friends of my DD's we are all parenting slightly differently, but the children are happy and thriving so who's to say whose way is the best. We are all making what we believe are the right choices.

If you acknowledge you are being antagonistic you may wish to address this <ahem> or you could find you are a pain in the arse to be around

Chandon Mon 24-Jun-13 07:35:59

Sounds like you are a bore, and as you say you deliberately antagonise them and hammer your superior approach home

JenaiMorris Mon 24-Jun-13 07:33:37

If quite so many people are making snide remarks, I'd wonder if I was being insufferably smug.

The last sentence in your OP makes you sound dreadful actually.

Elquota Mon 24-Jun-13 00:04:56

There's nothing wrong with "ta". It's a perfectly good dialect word for "Thanks".

FredFredGeorge Sun 23-Jun-13 22:37:01

UniqueAndAmazing That's possible, but then he's just obnoxious, so still unreasonable teaching him to do that!

UniqueAndAmazing Sun 23-Jun-13 22:28:06

in my neck of the woods nan-night is the correct form for goodnight wink

sleep tight and mind the bed bugs don't bite

MoltenBlondie Sun 23-Jun-13 22:22:06

unique yes that will be it grin

Nun-night, er shit, I mean night um GOODNIGHT!

UniqueAndAmazing Sun 23-Jun-13 22:18:02

fredfred maybe he's just reminding the recipient to say thank youwink

ballroomblitz Sun 23-Jun-13 22:17:37

I teach 'ta ta' to my kids. Did it with ds and never had a problem transitioning to 'thank you' when he was able enough as he had SLT problems. Yes manners in important in any shape or form, I'm rigid with bedtimes and don't give a baby any sort of drink out of a bottle at that age. I wouldn't antagonise though. Stuff em. You really don't agree with their parenting style as much as they don't yours and you'll just put them on the defensive and make them worse. It won't make a damn bit of difference all this stuff once the kids are teenagers.

MoltenBlondie Sun 23-Jun-13 22:16:18

Off to bed, night all! It's been fun

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