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To not adjust my parenting style because it makes you feel threatened

(87 Posts)
MoltenBlondie Sun 23-Jun-13 19:35:12

I'll start by saying I am nowhere near perfect as a mother, DS is only 18 months and already watches a fair bit of TV, to give one example

But anyway. I have found since he was very little, that if it was discovered that I did something differently to another person (largely MIL, DM and my older sister, but friends too), that they would scoff and try to belittle my choices.

Found it quite upsetting at times but DP has a theory that when I do something differently, it makes them question the way that they parent/ed their children and therefore makes them feel indirectly 'criticised'.

For example DM thinks I'm 'snobby' as I won't let DS have juice in a bottle, DMIL thinks I'm 'mean' for being rigid with bedtimes, Dsis thinks I'm 'controlling' for already insisting DS says 'ta'! and tells me "there's no way you'll have time to be so precious about manners when you have your second" (am currently pg, she has 3)

Why should it bother them so much? Do you think people who do this are genuinely threatened (not even sure that's the right word) by different styles of parenting or after some validation that their own parenting methods were fine?

I should add that I don't volunteer this information, they just witness it when they see me.

probably shouldn't add that I have started to antagonise them a bit now for fun, eg talking to DS loudly about GOING TO BED AT 7, AS THAT'S YOUR BEDTIME EVERY NIGHT, WITHOUT FAIL, ISN'T IT

Thurlow Sun 23-Jun-13 21:54:49

Ta can be cute. DD is currently working out the different between ta and please. She knows if she says ta when it should be please we look at her for a second to see if she'll work it out. Now she just follows everything with "ta peas ta?" in the hope of covering all bases.

MoltenBlondie Sun 23-Jun-13 21:57:18

Vile? Gosh yes, it really is isn't it. I humbly bow down to your judgement!

chocoluvva Sun 23-Jun-13 21:57:50

Yes, you're best to smile and nod. It'll be great practice for when your DS is a teenager!

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Jun-13 21:58:08

You could stop this conversation dead by saying, "Using the word 'ta' is part of my culture acksherly!".

Then no matter how annoying people find it, they'll leap to your defence or start wringing their hands about any criticism grin

<< Loves MN >>

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Jun-13 21:59:02

Now she just follows everything with "ta peas ta?" in the hope of covering all bases

She'll go far, that girl!! grin

MoltenBlondie Sun 23-Jun-13 22:02:08

And just to add, we taught DS 'bye' for goodbye for a while, but recently switched to goodbye when we saw he was managing the word 'good' quite nicely (says 'good dog' to our mutt) - he mastered goodbye in a matter of days. I'll know when it's time to encourage 'thank you', but he gets a real kick out of saying 'ta' so nicely, so fuck it.

Don't know why I'm explaining this anyway. Do we really care that much??

RikeBider Sun 23-Jun-13 22:03:04

In real life I have never come across people who object to babies/toddlers saying Ta grin But then I have also never come across anyone who agonises about fruit shoots or sausage rolls either.

People do feel indirectly criticised by different parenting, especially if you are rejecting something they did.

BOF Sun 23-Jun-13 22:05:17

What a load of shite they are talking about manners. If you let them slip, having another baby will be much harder. Manners (which are, afterall, simply a way of showing others consideration) get more important with subsequent children, not less.

MoltenBlondie Sun 23-Jun-13 22:07:11

worra it is indeed. Ta is Canterbury and Medway dialect for thank you, first used in Chaucer, I do believe.

Are you dissing me because I is Kentish?

UniqueAndAmazing Sun 23-Jun-13 22:11:47

Molten - of course I didn't mean your ds! adults are the culprits who say ta when they mean please!
it's normal for children because they see us say thank you when handing over stuff. so they use the word interchangeably grin
your ds does sound cute grin

MummyAbroad Sun 23-Jun-13 22:12:21

ignore the language police OP, just to wind you up I think!

I thought ta was a cockney thing? Everyone in my family says it and we are not vile

FredFredGeorge Sun 23-Jun-13 22:12:51

You sound either very oversensitive - friends, family, everyone criticises you - or you have surrounded yourself with pretty unusual people.

We do things pretty different to many, there's plenty to criticise in our choices, but no-one we know ever does to our face? (Some imply they disagree by how they act differently...)

I've nothing against ta, I'm not sure there's any point in teaching an 18month though, as you note he says it when he's giving things too - so he clearly doesn't understand thanking people.

MoltenBlondie Sun 23-Jun-13 22:16:18

Off to bed, night all! It's been fun

ballroomblitz Sun 23-Jun-13 22:17:37

I teach 'ta ta' to my kids. Did it with ds and never had a problem transitioning to 'thank you' when he was able enough as he had SLT problems. Yes manners in important in any shape or form, I'm rigid with bedtimes and don't give a baby any sort of drink out of a bottle at that age. I wouldn't antagonise though. Stuff em. You really don't agree with their parenting style as much as they don't yours and you'll just put them on the defensive and make them worse. It won't make a damn bit of difference all this stuff once the kids are teenagers.

UniqueAndAmazing Sun 23-Jun-13 22:18:02

fredfred maybe he's just reminding the recipient to say thank youwink

MoltenBlondie Sun 23-Jun-13 22:22:06

unique yes that will be it grin

Nun-night, er shit, I mean night um GOODNIGHT!

UniqueAndAmazing Sun 23-Jun-13 22:28:06

in my neck of the woods nan-night is the correct form for goodnight wink

sleep tight and mind the bed bugs don't bite

FredFredGeorge Sun 23-Jun-13 22:37:01

UniqueAndAmazing That's possible, but then he's just obnoxious, so still unreasonable teaching him to do that!

Elquota Mon 24-Jun-13 00:04:56

There's nothing wrong with "ta". It's a perfectly good dialect word for "Thanks".

JenaiMorris Mon 24-Jun-13 07:33:37

If quite so many people are making snide remarks, I'd wonder if I was being insufferably smug.

The last sentence in your OP makes you sound dreadful actually.

Chandon Mon 24-Jun-13 07:35:59

Sounds like you are a bore, and as you say you deliberately antagonise them and hammer your superior approach home

FanjolinaJolie Mon 24-Jun-13 07:39:27

You sound like you are making the right choices for your LO, so just go with it and try not to let other peoples opinions get to you.

I look at all the happy children who are friends of my DD's we are all parenting slightly differently, but the children are happy and thriving so who's to say whose way is the best. We are all making what we believe are the right choices.

If you acknowledge you are being antagonistic you may wish to address this <ahem> or you could find you are a pain in the arse to be around

Beamae Mon 24-Jun-13 12:43:39

I don't think the OP is smugly lecturing everyone on her superior choices though. She is having her choices challenged and belittled, forcing her to defend her decisions.

JenaiMorris Mon 24-Jun-13 12:55:37

But she's getting it from dozens of people - that's not normal!

Either she's taking general chit chat about different approaches as criticism far too readily, or she's getting people's backs up.

As a new parent it's easy to fall into either trap.

Feminine Mon 24-Jun-13 12:58:02

Is "ta" considered a more casual form of "Thank you?"

I use it, so does my Mum.

Just wondering...

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