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To tell my cousin that she should wait to have a baby

(145 Posts)
AmadeusRocks Sun 23-Jun-13 17:40:35

I am well prepared to be told that it's none of my business/to keep my nose out but bear in mind she is like a sister to me and I only want the best for her.

My cousin is 21 and has been with her DP (22) for just over a year, she has just started out as a lawyer and he works in IT and they're both currently earning around 25k each - both have promising careers ahead, probably her more so than him. She rang me earlier today and told me that they are planning on getting engaged/married within the next 1-2 years and then immediately to start trying for a baby.

AIBU to have told her that I think she's too young and she should wait?

SantanaLopez Sun 23-Jun-13 17:58:40

Don't expect an invite to the wedding. YABU.

expatinscotland Sun 23-Jun-13 17:58:44

And so? She will be married and with dual income.

expatinscotland Sun 23-Jun-13 18:00:02

Nearly all the doctors who treated me daughter began having children in their mid-20s after marriage and combined it all. Why on Earth would you tell her that?

I would be livid at you calling me a moron, too, tbh. What a horrible thing to say.

Ginderella Sun 23-Jun-13 18:00:34

I agree with you OP. They are both too young to be thinking about marriage and babies.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 23-Jun-13 18:00:38


Well that's not so bad a piece of advice, given there is no real guarantee that the firm you train with will keep you on once you qualify. It's not like you were beating a drum shouting she was too young.

HolidayArmadillo Sun 23-Jun-13 18:00:49

Yabu. Completely none of your business. Your cousin sounds very sensible. You sound like a nosy old bag.

CheeseStrawWars Sun 23-Jun-13 18:00:56

She's just started a course that's 2 years long? And she's waiting 1-2 years before getting married and then TTC? Last time I checked babies took about 9 months to arrive after conception, so she should have finished the course before the baby arrives. I really don't get your problem, at all. If she's bright enough to be a lawyer, I'm sure she's bright enough to make her own decisions.

AmadeusRocks Sun 23-Jun-13 18:01:51

Yes she ASKED me what I thought about her plan. I said I thought she'd be better off getting fully qualified first and then getting a few years experience behind her.

onedev Sun 23-Jun-13 18:02:26

As usual I agree with Chipping grin It does sound young given how you've described, but if she's 25 when she's considering trying, then that's not so young.

Re those offended by your 'too much potential' comment, I tend to agree with you - as wrong as it is, facts tend to show that women's progress career-wise is often negatively affected once they have children (usually because of the attitudes of others) so it's important to be in a strong position before having children. Good luck to her though & don't make her feel bad - let her enjoy the moment.

ExcuseTypos Sun 23-Jun-13 18:02:27

No Expact, I think the OP means, "I didn't call her a moron"

I hope so anyway!

expatinscotland Sun 23-Jun-13 18:02:56

'I agree with you OP. They are both too young to be thinking about marriage and babies.'

At 22? Highly sensible, IMO, and I say that as someone who had her first at 32. Right for me, but I wish I had started younger.

Not right for some at all. Some were and are far more mature than I was at 22.

These two have a plan, marriage in 1-2 years, marriage, and then babies.

I envy them that, tbh.

eurozammo Sun 23-Jun-13 18:03:26

I was puzzled by the qualification at 21 too - it takes a minimum of 5 years to become a barrister and 6 years to become a solicitor.

It's not an easy career to have with a baby, but it's not impossible. A small minority manage it. Most wait until they are a lot more senior and have more control over their own work.

AmadeusRocks Sun 23-Jun-13 18:03:30

expat where have I ever called anyone a moron confused

expatinscotland Sun 23-Jun-13 18:03:57

Facts? Tell that to the Xenias of this world. Like Xenia, this young woman has a plan.

Ashoething Sun 23-Jun-13 18:04:31

Actually am sure the op is voicing her concerns because she cares about her cousin but I still think yabu.

My mum spent all my life telling me never to have kids or wait until I was at least 40 to have them as kids ruin your lifehmm

Guess what-I was desperate to have a family from the age of 18! Your cousin will make her own choices in her own life. As she should.

Tee2072 Sun 23-Jun-13 18:04:45

Drip drip drip drip drip.

DoJo Sun 23-Jun-13 18:05:08

YABU - what a horrible thing to say to someone who is excited about planning their life. Being 'too young' is not a reason for someone in their 20s not to have children unless it is how you feel about yourself. If you had an objection beyond that, then it still would have been none of your business, but at least you could have given a reasoned comment and then left it to her to decide. As it is, you've used your position as 'like a sister' to be mean and bossy.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 23-Jun-13 18:05:25


She asked,you told her. Getting pregnant in the middle of a training contract isn't totally unheard of but can really cock things up regarding finishing it depending on how far into the training the woman is when going on maternity leave.

It would be sensible to get the training contract and at least one year newly qualified under her belt.

That would put her at 24/25. Which is a perfectly fine age to have children at.

Ginderella Sun 23-Jun-13 18:05:38

There is no need to call the OP an "nosy old bag". Where are your manners?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sun 23-Jun-13 18:06:07

oh well, fair enough then. If she actually asked you to give her your opinion on her plans then you did nothing at all wrong by doing so, did you?

expatinscotland Sun 23-Jun-13 18:06:18

Exactly, Tee, mid-20s, too young. LOL.

TigOldBitties Sun 23-Jun-13 18:06:39

I think her timings are fine.

Having DC early on in my career was the best decision.

When I had them later, it was much more disruptive and had much more of a negative effect on my career than when I had DC earlier.

CrapsWithBears Sun 23-Jun-13 18:07:08

I'm 23 and I have a daughter, gosh, there goes all my potential. hmm

expatinscotland Sun 23-Jun-13 18:07:16

Let me start a thread about people my age (early 40s), being too old to try for a baby. That'll go over like a lead balloon.

onedev Sun 23-Jun-13 18:07:28

Unfortunately Expat, the Xenias of this world are few & far between, therein the exception which proves the rule.

I wish it weren't so, but in my experience, it sadly is.

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