To be really peed off at people who are never punctual!?(51 Posts)
My friend is meant to be coming for lunch. I have three kids who are holding off from having lunch cos they want to eat with her. She's now an hour late and it's nearly 2pm- I'm starving!!!
Every single time we meet she us always late, she only has herself to get out the house whereas I have three kids and I always make a point of being punctual. It's bloody annoying and rude!
Argh just venting!
YANBU it annoys the hell out of me too, and after 11 years of living in a country where the entire population is always late I still dont like it. Agree that you need to use "strategies"- tell them earlier times/dont rely on them showing up at all/get on with your own thing etc. I do think some people eventually get better when they realise you carry on without them and they miss out on some cool activities.
One of the most irritating things about chronically late people is that they don't see it as a real problem. IME, they mostly don't acknowledge it (or give a cursory, 'sorry' accompanied by a lame excuse). If you pull them up on it, they act startled, a bit irritated/offended and imply you are the unreasonable one for making a 'fuss' and 'ruining' the evening.
My mil is consistently late, by an hour or more, for everything family related, blaming ridiculous things...she had to water the tomatoes/empty the recycling etc. Yet is on time for her WI meetings It drives me insane, I find it sooo rude and inconsiderate.
A mum from school has her poor DD ten to fifteen minutes late. Every day. Except for party drop offs...always on time...occasionally early! But obviously last to pick up at the end...
occasionally late with lots of apologies - understandable
always late - disrespectful
YANBU. But if you know she's always late, why are you letting her control when you eat? Learn from experience!
I hate this too.
I wouldn't have waited to eat - just got on with it after 20 minutes or so.
my DM is often late. Her reasoning is that - why should she have to waste her time, waiting for the other person (who may be late).
I try to be punctual, but DH is a last minuter - and slows me down. Hate it.
YANBU. People like that drive me mad. They really seem to think it's ok to waste other people's time and leave them sitting around for half the afternoon because they themselves can't be bothered to get organised and out of the house on time. It's really self centred. I know a couple of people like that and I have watched them, when they're due somewhere in half an hour and are cutting it fine, then decide 'oh I'll just bring in the washing' or somesuch and start faffing around instead of just leaving the house and being on time. It's almost like they can't bear not having a last minute rush.
Actually I read somewhere that people like that are unable to work backwards and so miscalculate how long they need to get somewhere on time but seriously how hard is it to work out:
It takes half an hour to get to friend's house and I said I'd be there at four so I need to leave at 3.30.
I want to change and put on make up before I leave so I need to start getting ready at 3.10
It takes ten minutes to get home from the supermarket in time to get ready so I need to leave the supermarket at 3.00.
Therefore I will need to go to the supermarket at about 2.15 to give me time to get there and back and do my shopping by 3.10????
But no, this person is still wandering around the supermarket at a quarter to four under the illusion that they will somehow manage to get home, changed and over to friend's house at 4pm.
Did she end up coming then? If my guest was an hour late I'd just feed my children. I wouldn't punish them with hunger.
This is one of my biggest bugbear. It's like these people make out their life is so much busier than everyone else's that they can't be on time. I'd ditch her.
She did arrive about 2pm so an hour late! She has done this the whole time I've known her and I've told her before in a jokey way that I ask her to come earlier than when I actually want her there, I didn't do that on Sunday for some silly reason like giving her a chance (again) to be on time.
She didn't even apologise either, I don't think she was bothered by it but if I was an hour late to meet a friend I'd be so apologetic! I've seen her getting ready to go out when we were younger and she would just faff about, have another cuppa, sit on the sofa to check lists, take forever to get ready, have to phone someone, etc etc argh!!!
It's arrogant - her time is clearly seen as more important than yours
Say you are eating at x time and then eat at that time next visit.
I'm not so keen on "Please come at 1pm, but the subtext is we all know I'm hoping you'll be there by 2pm." I think that's pandering to the person who's late and humouring them
YANBU. She put you in a very difficult position - your DCs were looking forward to eating with her so it wasn't as if it was easy just to say 'ah well, she's late, her problem, we'll eat anyway'. Very arrogant of her IMO. I have a friend who is always late and does a whole moral high ground thing about it - says that anyone who wants to be friends with her has to accept that she's always late. She's also always going on about how busy she is, as if no-one else is ever busy. I do like her and she has lots of good points but the implication that her time matters more than mine is endlessly annoying. I tend to go to the opposite extreme - I'm almost always early because I build in delay factors to journeys so if I'm meeting someone who tends to be late, I have a very long wait.
"She didn't even apologise either, I don't think she was bothered by it"
I'd have handed her her arse for that.
YANBU but I wonder if I am. By strange coincidence I've been sitting here tonight very upset. I meet my friend every Tuesday and have done for over a year. During this time she has been consistently late but only by 5 to 10 minutes. Today she was late again (5 minutes) and was very apologetic as always. I'd had a bad day, getting up extra early, running around all morning, struggling to be on time myself but managing to be. When she arrived I just blew up and told her I couldn't do this any more. She gave me a good reason why she was late, but she has a good reason every single week. I feel terrible tonight and have now lost a friend.
OP sorry to have stolen your post but I would certainly not put up with your situation at all. Your friend is very rude and very wrong.
YANBU. If the friendship/relationship with consistent latecomers is important to you, I've found that the key is to not put them in a position to control the situation.
What this means is- don't wait meals for them, if the DC want to eat with them, they can eat their lunch on time then eat their dessert with the latecomer(s) when she arrives. Don't accept lifts from them. If you are driving, tell them you will be leaving on time, then do so. if you are waiting for them, take a book/something to do, arrange to meet them somewhere you will be comfortable, then leave after you have been there long enough. Don't allow them to punish you/your children with their lateness or teach your children that if they are late people will wait for them.
If you become one of the important things for which they must be on time or they, not you, will suffer consequences, they will be on time, just as they would manage it for a flight or a job or a concert.
"She gave me a good reason why she was late, but she has a good reason every single week."
Every single week? Then they're not really good reasons, no matter how they looked on the surface. Don't feel bad poorpaws, this may be the jolt she needs. If you have lost her, then she wasn't really a friend.
poor paws I think being 5 mins late is socially acceptable. If I arrange to meet someone at 8pm I think it's fine if one or both of us arrives at 8.05pm
I hear you OP! Currently sat waiting for certain family members to turn up for lunch, they were meant to be here at 11.30! I'm not sure if they'll turn up so late that they won't bother with lunch (they're bringing it) or if they'll still want it, so I've not had anything so far and I'm staaaaaarving!
I am often late. I would NEVER think my time is more important than someone else's. I am very likely to have counted backwards incorrectly the time I need to set off, or underestimated how long it takes to get ready. Or relyed on the satnav version of a journey time or just remembered the fastest time I ever made the journey in and incorrectly predict it would be the same again. It's not a rudeness done on purpose but it is something that is harder for some people than others.
Giving excuses is just that, I could have set off earlier then the traffic jam would not have made a difference but blaming the traffic is not on when it was me messing around before leaving the house that really made the difference. I will apologise but I'll already be feeling terrible about being late that I'll probably not enjoy the occasion anyway.
I would be miffed by someone turning up at my house early, that is much ruder in my book!
I am trying to learn better ways, it does not come easy. Since you are all pretty much the folks that get it right, how do you do it please?
I find it particularly demoralizing when I've been on time but the other person is early so they moan for keeping them waiting then to be told you are 'always' late when this is not factually correct.
I like to arrive calmly and without the sweat of there not being a car parking space close by but usually the early birds have rocked up and walked a short distance and had a wait while I walk hurriedly the 3 blocks back from the only car parking space left in the neighborhood.
Socially it is harder to make small talk when arriving early and waiting with a gathering group it's far less stressful arriving once things aren't so stifling.
Have you all got a good awareness of time in general, is there something lacking on the part of the late comers?
MohammedLover, it basically comes down to "hope for the best (get there on time) but plan for the worst (expect delays)". Always have contingency built in. Whereas from your comments, you would seem to be hoping AND planning for the best ( "remembered the fastest time I ever made the journey in and incorrectly predict it would be the same again" ). If you think it'll take twenty minutes to get ready, give yourself thirty. If it's a ten minute walk, set off fifteen minutes before. If you're driving, remember you have to find a parking space (and finish the journey on foot), and that there may be roadworks/diversions/traffic jams.
Look at some of the things you've said :
- I am very likely to have counted backwards incorrectly the time I need to set off
- or underestimated how long it takes to get ready.
- Or relyed on the satnav version of a journey time
- or just remembered the fastest time I ever made the journey in and incorrectly predict it would be the same again.
- it was me messing around before leaving the house that really made the difference.
These are all things that can be planned for - and 'planned for the worst' for ! Double/triple check your time counting if you've got it wrong before. Build contingency (urgent loo trip) into your estimates of how long it takes to get ready. Don't assume you will match your 'record journey time'. Remember the SatNav knows nowt about roadworks or congestion.
"I like to arrive calmly and without the sweat of there not being a car parking space close by but usually the early birds have rocked up and walked a short distance and had a wait while I walk hurriedly the 3 blocks back from the only car parking space left in the neighborhood."
This is the result of not planning for the worse. Not only were you not an early bird who got parked more easily, you hadn't built in the contingency of having to walk from a far space.
"Socially it is harder to make small talk when arriving early and waiting with a gathering group it's far less stressful arriving once things aren't so stifling."
If your contingency gets you there in plenty of time, you don't have to be early. If you're parked up with ten minutes to spare, listen to the radio or take a slow stroll to your meeting point. Go to the loo and comb your hair. It's always better to waste a little time calmly at the end of your journey than to eat into the time you need before setting off.
"I find it particularly demoralizing when I've been on time but the other person is early so they moan for keeping them waiting then to be told you are 'always' late when this is not factually correct."
It may not be absolutely factually correct, but you yourself say that you are 'often' late; it is therefore that person's perception of you, as a latecomer. If they moan, just calmly point out that you are on time THIS TIME. Once you've done it often enough, their perception may change.
"Have you all got a good awareness of time in general, is there something lacking on the part of the late comers?"
I don't have a particularly good time-sense. Without a watch on my wrist I am lost. There are clocks in every room of my house, and the radio is on pretty much always, which gives me regular timechecks. If I have somewhere to be at a particular time, I just leave loads of contingency and get as much preparation (clothes ready, route planned) done the day before as I can. Planning for the very very worst !
It is the height of rudeness. I wouldn't tolerate it.
I had a friend who behaved like this, so I did it to her one day. She was absolutely furious, standing on Putney Bridge in the rain and cold, as I had done many times. She let rip when I got there. I told her: 'Now you know how it feels waiting for you" and took the next bus home. She never did it again.
I have a friend like that. If you arrange a time she will without fail send a text message half an hour or more after she was due to arrive saying she is just setting off . Totally boils my piss.
A friend of mine is regularly an hour or more late to meet me. That's bad enough but she then moans at me if I'm 2 minutes late meeting her and gets really annoyed.
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